Hidden Thoughts
In my pain I walk alone,
solitary in my own personal hell.
My heart and mind split in two,
divided,
by the one thing which
brings about both my happiness and misery.
How is it that a thing so little,
and so often misused,
can create such contradictory turmoil
within so simple a mind?
Seemingly impossible that that
which brings me this joy inside
can, at the same time,
cause my heart to ache,
the tears to fall,
and the hurt to rise to the surface.
But, alas, it is too true.
“I burn, I pine, I perish”,
to borrow the words of another.
So much yearns to break free
from the guilded, yet padded walls
of my soul.
And yet, I can never expose
the true feelings.
Behind a mask of indifference
I hide,
Praying that I will never
reveal my true heart by accident.
For, past all the pain and hurt,
I am able to love, and love deeply.
but never shall you know this.
Never shall you hear of my
dreams of you,
the way my heart beats
within my chest with more irregularity
than normal when you are near.
Never shall I tell you of the simple
way your soft baby powder scent
comforts me when I am beyond comforting.
How your touch makes me tremble
down to my very core.
No, you shall never know,
for as long as I have this love,
I will also have the hurt.
Ah, the age-old story of unrequited love.
From ancient times, this has continued to be
man’s oldest nemesis.
The knowledge that I am little
more than a friend with benefits.
For now, it your “old loves” who consume your thoughts.
Not I.
You felt as if you were getting too close,
so why, then, do you push me away?
Are you so afraid to love?
Would that I could show, prove
to you somehow, that I can love
you unconditionally and would never
hurt you?
But then, how can I show you
when I am deathly afraid to love, myself?
Were I not, I would have confessed
my heart when asked.
Alas, my heart is fragile after having
been broken so many times.
So content am I, to love you
from afar.
Maybe someday, the turmoil within me
will cease,
and on that day, I will tell you
how I once loved you, oh so long ago,
and I can hope perhaps,
in some small measure,
you managed to love me too.
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