The World Out There... or Stream of Consciousness

The rain beats on my window,
the moon reflects off the water
giving the world otuside a distorted look
that only confuses my heart more.

In here, in my room, I am safe.
Here my demons cannot reach me.
It is only out there, the world outside,
where they torment me.

Every tree, every cloud, every mountain
carries with it the Memory of you.
In here, I can pretend I have forgotten you,
it is only Out There where my love for you awakens again.

But why? I should, for all practical purposes, hate you,
the same way you now hate me.
So why do I still ache to see you?
Why do I still fear the world out there?

With every happy memory comes one of pain.
Why then can I not shut you out as you have me?
Love was never rational, never sane,
always complicated, full of twists and turns out there.

My distorted look on the world continues to change;
from love to hate, back to love, then to confusion.
Inwardly I scream as my mind splits in two.
I was wrong! My demons have a way in!

In a crumpled heap, I lie, my two minds in mortal combat.
My knees tucked up in a fetal position.
Yes! I will be reborn! That will rid my world of the demons.
I try to think myself back inside mother's womb.

No! I am too big for her now! It's breaking!
No! I cannot lose! I must be reborn to rid myself of you!
No! Mother cannot die! I must stay here!
Safe from that world out there!

I feel the womb split and slowly feel the life drain from me.
Back on the floor in my demonless room
I fail to notice the blood stained knife in my hand.
Yes! I think. Once dead my mind will be free and whole!

The rain beats on my window,
the moon reflects off the water
giving the world outside a distorted look
that only confuses me more.

Never, never free, one mind split in anguish.
Always held by 'out there', that world out there.

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