Yah... it's been a pretty long day... ive felt pretty lonely since after church... and i decided to write this journal so that then i can keep track of life during this time... well i broke down crying today cuz i missed angela today and it pretty much sucked... my eyes are burning from the tears, as usual... i think angs dad is a really nice guy... he's always been nice to me and treated me a lot better than most people... i really dont know why i fell so completely in love with angela... i mean i know... but i dont understand... the moment i saw her she GLOWED... and it was like "wow... she's got something really special and i want to be apart of it"... maybe thats why this has been so hard lately... i miss that specialness she had added to my life... she provided me with so much happiness... i mean it was just another one hose wow things... my mom made me play cards with her for like forever... actually it was more like an hour or two...
1-3-00
gosh.. i have all these thoughts going thru my head.. ive been singing to and praising God as best as i can to try and help keep my mind offa stuff and its not actually helping all that much... actually, its kinda making me sadder... it makes me think about so much happiness that seems to be gone from my life now... my mind just starts to wander everywhere else besides being focused on something... i try to thank God for stuff and then my mind wanders to Angela cuz im so thankful for her... God had put her in my life for something special... and i know it... i just hope i didnt screw it up and that God will repair us... i really really miss Angela... well my shoes are a bit weird... its weird cuz my soles are like an inch thicker than what they normally were... and its like im so high off the ground and its even harder to drive... i dont know exactly where my feet are and how hard im pushing the pedals in... i was thru my books and came across some letters i had written Angela before... i hope i'll one day soon be able to give them to her and not make her upset over them... i left my car lights on today when i had gotten to skool and then had to get back into my car and get them off... my key didnt want to go into the keyhole and open the door so i had to pound it in and make it work finally. i think i know almost exactly how Ang felt when rachel left her... its so difficult not to have your "best" friend there as they used to be in your life... its like "poof" and one day they're "gone and not your FRIEND" anymore... but theyre still there, just not the same.. its they're there, but they're not there for you anymore, even if this is only for a month or whatever. it still hurts me more than anything i have ever experienced before. even more so than when my appendix almost burst. its feeling so much worse than that and its such a continuous, constant pain. its only like a month and a half before i get my tongue pierced... thats gonna be cool... im at the point where i wanna cry again.. the spanish teacher asked me if i am ok and of course i said yah, im ok, cuz i had to say that... i cant even really look at another girl. everytime i do i feel all sick to my stomach and stuff... i dont want any other girl.. i dont want any other person... im trying to have so much faith about this as possible.. i think i do really have a lot.. lately the sick feeling is even worse... its to the point where i just wanna throw up... my throat starts to hurt and everything... to the point where it is almost vomiting...
And i heard a song at work today.. it was so sad... it was stuff me and Ang used to say to each other... it was like "i loved you before i even knew you" and it brought back so many memories... i miss those days...
1-4-00
I keep getting this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach... ya know, its like the feeling of weightlessness or the feeling of that drop off of a big rollercoaster where its freefall, but its also a sick feeling. I want something to do... im so soo bored right now.. i hope i can find something to do today and not just sit around the house. Maybe i'll be able to shopping somewhere or something... well i got back from shopping.. that was pretty cool.. i got some new toys for my b-day... its the beast machines tankor, cheetor, and two other guys from the line.. and i sent out the stuff that i had sold today.. a lot of checks were cashed and the lady at the credit union was like "hey, do you think i should cash these?" to the lady beside her and stuff cuz of all the checks that i had to cash..
1-6-00
Well, last nite i seen some lady shoplift from target... that was kinda dumb. the security person chased her out of the store and got the liscense plate number(i have no idea how she did that when you couldnt see anything on it). and well today has been just blah. dale had gotten his hair cut a few days ago.. i think he looks like brian miller a lot now, haha.. his hair turned really curly and everything, it looks cool, just not as much as it did with his fro. i had woken up today and my stomach was dunken and i dont feel too good. then when i got out to my car the key wouldnt go in so we(my sister and i) had to go back in and get my moms car keys and use her car. its really sad to see how ppl celebrated the new years. a kid who had just gotten back from fuji and he was telling these stories of how they celebrated new years and its sad cuz they got drunk and stoned and everything... i wish people would learn and actually grow up. its really hard right now. it used to be the day that id go over to ang's and everything... the thing i miss most is our friendship. thats all i really want back... sure, itd be nice to have the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, but i so long for the friendship, the caring, the happiness between us... one day it'll come back, i know... i mean we used to be there for each other all the time, we used to show how much we cared for each other by just little things.. i just really want that back. i know one day it will come back... we learned the verb conocer today in spansih... it seems pretty stupid.. i think im starting to not like this class much anymore, but oh well im having to live with it. ryan is so soo soooo right when he said that falling in love and even getting hurt by love is SOOOOO worth it. never would i regret the time that i love Angela even if there are tough times, like right now... theres not a single moment of love that i regret, the only regrets that i have is how i screwed up and everything.. but im so glad that to have fallen in love. theres nothing that can really compare to the feeling of falling in love. its such an awesome experience. it makes you not even care what others think or say about you. its just an "AHHHH" feeling of warmth and caring of everything and you see so much more than you could ever have thought possible. i just fell on the ice at church and im feeling like crap. im shaking and scared.. i wish things were back to how they were before when they were good and not sucky like they are now. i just want to throw up right now.. i think it would make me feel so much better... im so literaly sick right now.
2-2-00
Time: 8:30 P.M.
Well, i really shouldnt be home right now.. i should be at church but i couldnt handle it... I really really want to be there and stuff but i cant handle it... theres just so much i dont understand and conflict that i hate there with certain people... i feel like i cant be myself there anymore... i cant cry openly... i feel like i have to go and hide it so that i wont be talked about as being manipulative or anything... i really just dont know... i listened to stavesacre and the words in one of their songs hit me... its been hitting me a lot lately... the words went something like "I don't believe this is what God ever intended." And i feel thats exactly whats happening right now and everything... i mean i dont think this is how God had ever intended for everything to work out... but its how its happening right now... there's also
And trusting gets harder now
I wish you were here beside me
My failures my fears and doubts have been haunting me
I'm just not who I thought I'd be
