Avatar Declares War
(The following story is Humor Enhanced for your protection.)
After Avatar moved to the March of the Unicorn to
attend school, he was dismayed to find how isolated
the group had become, all the more so when he
discovered that there was another fledgling college
group a mere 25 miles away called Freonsteorra
(Friendly Star). To the students stranded in Unicorn,
Freonstreorra seemed too far out of reach for them to
try to do much with because:
1) It was in waaaaay over in Indiana and therefore
behind the infamous "Rattan Curtain" and,
2) Miami University was no-car campus so anything over walking distance might as well be on the far side of the moon.
Still, the advantages of two small college groups
combining their thin resources were too obvious to
ignore. Avatar, in typical fashion, decided to solve
the problem dramatically-- he would force the two
groups together by declaring war. Unfortunately, he
failed to tell anyone else about it, like for
instance, the Seneschal of Freonsteorra, Bronwyn.
On a Freonsteorra meeting night, Avatar and his
redoubtable man-at-arms Berach, gathered up all the
semester's newest crop of fighters, stuffed as many of
them as he could in his Ford Escort and set off to
invade Indiana.
Outside of the designated hall on campus, Avatar
stopped the car and the fighters piled out of the car
and began to put on such armor as they had, to the
amusement of Campus Security who kept circling the
parking lot. Actually, Avatar and Berach were the
only fighters with their own gear, but since he was
the Knight's Marshal, he had borrowed the loaner gear
and every weapon they could find the better to put on
a fierce martial display. Armed and ready, Avatar
and Berach stormed the hall with a pack of eager
freshmen in carpet armor, and strode in to interrupt
the meeting in progress.
Avatar deployed the "troops" about the room, blocking
the exits. Berach took up a position behind the
ever-patient Bronwyn, holding a toilet paper mace
menacingly over one shoulder. Avatar pulled out a
notebook paper scroll and read the declaration of war.
There was a lot of nonsense about cattle raids and
crop stealing but finally he got to the point and,
true to form, finished with a flourish-- Unicorn had
hereby declared war and would annex Freonsteorra
outright. And if they didn't like it, they could
bloody well assemble all their puny fighters and meet
the Mighty Unicorn Army on the Field of Glorious
Battle at the Appointed Place and at the Appointed
Hour.
Afterwards Avatar would swear that he heard crickets
from the fields chirping, the silence was so
deafening. The freshman shifted their feet
uncomfortably. Berach sheepishly tucked the mace
behind his back. Looking around him, Avatar began to
consider the notion that, perhaps, he had erred.
Bronwyn put down her clipboard, took off her glasses,
and rubbed her eyes tiredly.
"Avatar," she said gently and patiently, as if to a
fond but not-too-bright child, "We're a Quaker
college. We don't have any fighters."
Now, a lesser man (or even one with half a clue) would
have cut his losses and run at this point. But
this was Avatar. No hole was so deep his mouth
couldn't improve upon it.
"Well, then!" He blustered, scarcely missing a beat,
"Then we win by default!"
Berach, having far more sense, diplomatically
(and hurriedly) explained to the perplexed students
that the whole thing was a gag to get some interaction
between the two groups and wouldn't it be fun to get
together for a picnic and sing some songs and dance a
bit and watch the Unicorners beat themselves silly,
since they didn't have any fighters? Yes? Maybe they
could all throw Avatar into the lake afterwards.
Berach saw the thoughtful look on Bronwyn's face as
he performed his verbal tap dance, and was worried.
Avatar was cheerfully oblivious to it all, being
intent on showing proper shield technique to some
hapless divinity students. After hearing the spiel,
Bronwyn reassured Berach that it sounded like fun and
that they'd be delighted to show up for the mini
event.
At the appointed place and at the appointed hour, the
two groups met for some friendly socializing in spite
of the faux-belligerent theme of the event. It was a
pleasant fall day, there was plenty of food and
someone had brought a boom box to play tapes, so
dancing broke out almost immediately. The few Unicorn
fighters were playing with their weapons and Avatar
had cornered the divinity students for Round Two of
his shield technique class. Berach made a point of
making sure things were alright with Bronwyn and
apologized for their lack of prior co-ordination.
Still, it would have been nice to have someone new to
fight with. Bronwyn smiled quietly to herself.
As if on cue, a van and a couple of cars bearing
Indiana plates pulled up. Avatar got a sinking
feeling in his stomach as Bronwyn went over to greet
her boyfriend, an up-and-coming young fighter named
Thorvald the Golden-- and his friends, the Rivenstar
Rangers. Berach sauntered over and patted Avatar on
the shoulder, a bit more firmly than was perhaps
strictly necessary.
"Good move, boss." he said laconically, munching a
blade of grass in his teeth. "We're going to
get our butts kicked, you know that don't you?"
Which they did. All day, and with wild abandon.
Avatar and Berach were the only fighters in the
Unicorn who had been authorized more than 6 months.
The Rivenstar Rangers, with Thorvald at their lead,
steamrolled over Avatar and his sorry band in battle
after battle. Avatar kept inventing new scenarios and
changing the victory conditions (2 out of 3? 3 out of
4? 9 out of 10?) but to no avail. No matter what they
did or where they ran, the veteran Rangers hunted down
the Unicorn fighters-- always saving Avatar for last--
while Bronwyn smiled beatifically from the shade on
the sidelines.
The victory celebration consisted of hurling Avatar
into the lake, with the gleeful participation of his
own battered troops. Although possessed of a
notoriously flat learning curve, the soggy Avatar
ruefully learned that although Quakers may personally
abhor violence, they can sure as heck date people who
are very good at it.
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