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When I was in college, my friend
Susan and I, in our constant pursuit
to be just like everyone else, briefly formed a band. It
was called, for reasons I'm not going to tell you, Anybody's silverware.
Separately and together, we furiously wrote a number of lyrics, and
everything was going really, really well. Our only downfall, really,
was that neither of us were musicians, so the music for the songs
never got written, and, as a result, our brilliant songs never
got played. We never officially split up, though -- we just
sort-of went our separate ways, as old college friends so often
do -- so who knows what the future may hold? Except for the
nagging detail that we're still not musicians. Anyway, because
I hate to let anything go to waste (I am descended from a long
line of recyclers and pack rats), I thought I'd post some of the
lyrics I'd written so that perhaps they may, albeit sans music,
bring some enjoyment to someone somewhere.
Now, it has been pointed out to us before that our lyrics all could
be set to various tunes by some group called the Smiths. Hmmm...
Never heard of 'em. (I don't think they're from Detroit.)
Now, to be nice, I'm not posting any of Susan's lyrics. Well,
actually, I don't have any copies of them. If it intrigues you
enough, go to her website & email her. Ask about "Salads". It's
a terrifically surreal song about salad dressing oozing down the
streets of all these imaginary cities (she calls them "London",
"Birmingham", "Leeds", and so forth...). But anyway, here are
some of my humble scrawlings:
THE LITTLE PRINCE IS DEAD
Farewell to your planets and flowers / I can't believe I've spent
all these hours / with some mutton-crazed mutant from Mars!! /
(I'm truly sorry, but he's a royal pain in the arse!) / I
thought I could get away -- / Appease this spaceman with a
mouton and then fix my plane, / Return en France alive
and sane...
So I checked all the small aircraft's mechanical parts, / But I
was shocked into shame to discover / How truly lacking I am in
the visual arts / "That one is sick! -- draw me another." / Oh,
has the world changed, or have I changed? / Oh, has the world
changed, or have I changed? / Some squat ingrat demanding sheep! --
I swear to God! -- / I draw a mean hat... care to see
that?
So I broke into a panic, / pen in hand, eye on my toolbox... /
He said: "You're going to draw a sheep in a box?" / I said: Let's
see what we can fix besides the airplane! / We could go for
a walk where it's quiet and dry, / and talk about precious things, /
But when you're stranded in the desert, / No one talks about
stranglation! / We could go for a walk where it's quiet and
dry, / and talk about precious things, / Like... baobobs, and...
bleeding sheep / (These are the things that kill
me) / We could go for a walk where it's quiet and dry / and talk
about precious things, / Till a spanner flattens your head!
/ (ABANDONONS NOS MOUTONS!!!!)
I'll be home free in a few hours... / I'll be sure to send you flowers. /
Le petit prince est mort, / and my plane, enfin, may
fly again! / I'll be home in a matter of hours... / I'll be sure to send
you flowers. / The Little Prince is dead. / He's just lost his
head.
Life is seldom long when you annoy me... / Life is seldom long when you annoy me.
HEAVEN KNOWS I'M A MISERABLE COW
I would happily gaze on the greener side, / But -- heaven, I'm a
miserable cow! -- / I must look out, or Farmer Bob will have my hide! /
And heaven knows, I'm a miserable cow! / In my life, why do I give
valuable time / To people who don't care if I'm grilled or
fried?
Barbed wires entwined fence me 'round / And -- heaven, I'm a miserable
cow! -- / I only say "Mooo!" 'cause I can't make any other sound
/ And heaven knows I'm a miserable cow! / In my life, why do I give
valuable time / To people who don't care if I'm patent or suede
?
What he asks of me at the end of the day, / Caligula would've..... drunk for healthy bones? / "Oh, you're fattened, and you've been alive too long," he says. / Well, naturally; I've been grain-fed. / In my life, why do I smile / at people who I'd much rather kick in the eye?
YOU HANDSOME BEVEL
On the wall up in the store, that's where you are held. / I know what mirrors are for -- so I can see myself! / A mirror can be so plain, but you've got something more! / And I would like to find out what it says you're selling for
You handsome bevel! / Oh, you handsome bevel...
Let me get a look at the price tag on your hook / And let me get you down, I will purchase you now. / (I pay, I pay, I pay...)
I drop you -- WHACK! -- and you crack! I need a refund, / a refund, a refund, a refund. / A credit slip is also worth the trip. / I think I can find, yes, even this time
Another handsome bevel / Oh, you handsome bevel!
Let me get a look at the price tag on your hook / And let me get you down, I will exchange you now. / Hooray, hooray, hooray! -- another handsome bevel!!!
I place the hook, take a look, watch you reflect me, / reflect me, reflect me, reflect me. / The sunlight comes pouring in, and you make a prism. / I think you're so wonderfully lovely -- / I look at you, see ME!!!! / Oh, you handsome bevel!
Let me take a look while you hang up on your hook, / And let me sit and stare, just admire my hair / All day, all day, all day...
(There's more to life than looks, you know, but not much more... not much more...)
THESE THINGS TAKE UP SPACE
(... a little side note about this one: I used to work in a picture framing shop in Ypsi, and around the time of the Ann Arbor art fair, you wouldn't BELIEVE some of the stuff people brought in. I thought they were framing their dryer lint.)
We decked the house with holly at the sacred Christmastime. / You carted in all of the cheap crap you could find. / You said, "I picked this up at the Art Fair. / It made me think of you." / And then you gave me something that I won't be rid of soon. / But I can't pretend that it isn't there... in fact, it's everywhere / THESE THINGS TAKE UP SPACE!!!!! / THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!!! / And all this clutter makes me shudder...
This year's gift was somewhat better than last's, / Which is still in the box where I'm keeping it packed... / I don't know where it came from, I don't know what it's good for, I don't know where it belongs... / You called it "unique" -- well, you were not wrong. / So I smiled, and thanked you, as though I cared, / when really, I was scared!!! / THESE THINGS TAKE UP SPACE!!!!! / THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!!! / And all this clutter makes me shudder...
All the Christmases you went away, / The checks that you mailed, / They meant more to me than any / box under a tree. / They had more worth / than any ribboned gift on earth.
If not before, the day I die / I'll leave all this behind...
WHAT POSTAGE DOES IT TAKE?
(... a song about business reply mail.)
All men have letters, and here is mine, so let it be mailed! / Through rain or sleet or hell or high tide, / I know I can rely on you! / And yet you start to recoil as I ask to buy a stamp... / Just let me reach 'way down inside my wallet, will you? / So what postage does it take? / So, what postage does it take? / "It takes none, stupid, be gone! / See, it says right here: NO POSTAGE NECESSARY."
Now, I don't want this letter coming back to me. / I've been around long enough to know that nothing's free. / But now you make me feel so ashamed / Because I can't make heads or tails / Of business reply mail.
So what postage does it take? / Huh? What postage does it take? / "It takes none! / WILL YOU BE GONE? / See, it says right here: NO POSTAGE NECESSARY."
Now, I don't want this letter coming back to me. / I've been around long enough to know that nothing's free. / But now you know the truth about me: I am dumb down to the core. / This makes no sense to me.
But no more arguing! / No more, no more arguing! / I'm too tired... I'm confused, and tired. / I'll just buy my stamp from one of those machines. / This makes no sense to me!
I WON'T SCARE YOU
I won't scare you... I won't scare you... / With... a knife... or an axe... or... the way I drive / It's still daytime. / Here's the noose I use, my gun, dear one / And the Kool-Aid goes straight to the head! / Oh, I'm cruel and sick in the head! / Yes!!!!.... No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, nooooooo....... / (spooky sounding:) Ooooooo ooo oooooo / I won't scare you ... I won't scare you.... / I'll just hide, with my things, inside... 'till you're bed time. / I want the sun to go down soon! / I want the moon to go down TOO!!! / Oh, lives tend to come and go... / That's OK, they're no one you know. / Lives tend to come and go, / but no one you know, know, know, know, know, know, knooowww.... / (creepy sounding:) Ooooo oooo oooooooo / I won't scare you ... / I won't scare you.... / I'll just hide, with my things, inside, 'till your bed time.
MEAT IS DINNER
(... a little side note: I'm actually a vegetarian...
That's just how creative and imaginitive I am.)
Everyone could begin to sigh / for a calf with fattened sides. / This beautiful creature must die, / this beautiful creature must die / A death for a REASON! / The logical reason is... Dinner!
And the flesh you so fancifully fry / is so succulent, tasty with wine. / It's death for a reason, and death for one reason: It's Dinner!
And the calf that you carve with a smile is dinner. / And the turkey you festively slice is dinner. / And that is why animals die.
Kitchen aromas are very homey. / It's so comforting, cheery, and kind. / It's sizzling steak, and the most wholesome scents of dinner. / It's natural, it's normal, it's fine, / the flesh you so fancifully fry, / the meat in your mouth as you savor the flavor of Dinner!
Mmmmm, mmmm, mmmm, it's Dinner!
Ahh, ahh, ahh, it's Dinner!
It's the reason most animals die.
Now, did that "Smiths" band ever sing anything that this little lyric could be set to?
FORK IS A FOUR-LETTER WORD
Loving you is driving me crazy. / People say that your brain is hazy / Because you say that "fork" is a 3-letter word.
I don't need no man that's no scholar, / But sometimes, I just want to holler / When you say that "fork" is a 3-letter word.
So learn to spell! / There is so much out there for you to read! / Study your Dr. Seuss, and take all the book-learnin' that's waiting for you!
As yo read, I'll read over your shoulder. / And my love will help to remind yer / to spell the word "fork" as a FOUR-letter word.
'Tis a pity our little musical career was cut short. Plans were in the works for such other potential hits like "Pretty Girls Make Waves", "Some Girls Make Bigger Waves Than Others", "That Coke Isn't Fizzy Anymore", "There is a Light That Always Comes On (the Temperature Gauge Song)", "Disarming Man" (our little feminist ditty) and "Back to the Old Louse". Of course, Susan has a wonderful collection, assuming she hasn't done more spring cleaning than I have, of her own lyrics including the would-be wildly successful "Boyfriend in a Nova". Well, I suppose there's no use in pondering what might have been. I mean, as it was, we couldn't even find ourselves a rhythm section. They're hard to come by, you know. You can't just pick them up like spare parts at the hardware store.
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