In Loving Memory...

Richard
Born: July 11
Passed: August 19, 1998
Loving Husband, Father, Brother, and Son

It was just a normal day for me; I never thought this would be the day I would lose someone so special & important in my young life. I was getting out of practice and my parents picked me up. This was the last time I actually saw my father alive and being his ol' self. Thinking nothing of it i continued the silent treatment towards him because he yelled at me the day before. They dropped me off at home to take my shower while they went to eat. Did i even say goodbye to my father? No. As I was rushing to get ready the phone rang. I only wish it would have been one of my friends arguing with me instead of my mother calling to tell us that my father was just rushed to the hospital. At the hospital I felt worthless. I was never accustomed to waiting so long. A doctor came to us around an hour or so later to inform us of my father's condition. He was having a heart attack. He told us everything would be fine and that they needed to start surgery. He asked us if any of us would like to see him now even though he was basically all drugged up. My mother and oldest brother went while my other 2 brothers and I declined thinking "The less we fuss around the quicker the surgery will start and the quicker this hell would end." Besides, he did say "everything is going just fine". By this time it was getting rather chilly in the waiting room so my brothers and I decided to go home and get some sweatshirts and real food. On the way home that Green Day song came on and while I heard the words, "...so keep those still frame photographs in your mind" I began to cry. Both of my brothers at this time said "Don't worry, Lisa, Dad's gonna be just fine....He'll be back to his old self in a matter of days" Too bad they were wrong.


Upon arriving back at the hospital, the staff gave us a different waiting room. It just had enough seats for us! A doctor entered the room educating my family on my father's condition and the surgery involved. He left and told us the surgery would be begin shortly. After he left I began to listen to the "Titanic" soundtrack. Around 12:50am or so, the fire alarms went off. Thinking nothing of it we all began to laugh;this took a lot of the stress off us considering the doctor told us everything was alright. While the alarms were going off the announcement "Dr. Firestone to ICU" was heard. Shortly after the alarms went off we heard the annoucement of, "Dr. Firestone cancel". I continued to listen to my cd player. 10 minutes after the fire alarms went off the doctor arrived.


The final day I would see my Father

Being respectful I removed my headphones to hear what he had to say. He pulled a chair up to my mother and sat down. He took her hand and said "I'm sorry but we lost your husband" Filled with disbelief at first I slammed my cd player to the floor thinking that if it was a dream I would have awoken at the sound of the crash. Looking around at everyone else with tears streaming down their cheeks I knew it was somewhat real. I think the sight of my brothers crying made it believeable. I ran out of the room and sank against the wall. So many thoughts and feelings ran through my mind. So many memories and plans for the future scattered.
Who was going to support us?

Who would my mother have?

Who would watch my basketball games?

Who would drive me to my track meets?

He won't see me graduate?

He won't see me all dressed up on Prom?

He won't be waiting for me when I come home late?

and most importantly:

Who will walk me down the aisle when I get married?

The doctor kept saying that they needed 15 minutes to clean my father up before we could see him. All the time in between was a blur. Walking up and down the hallway waiting for some sign of a worker. It seemed like we were the only ones in that hospital.. My brother and I walked to the chapel in the hospital and did our best to say some prayers. I don't even remember what I did or said...I just kinda sat there and thought about how much my life had changed in a matter of seconds. After what seemed like forvever, but in reality an hour a nurse came back and lead us to our father. Looking up at the wall i saw the clock which read 2:03am. Just a few hours ago my father had picked me up from basketball practice and hours later he was sitting on a hospital bed cold, lifeless, and distorted. Yes, he looked like my father but not as I'll remember him as. This poem describes the next event:

Close by the door she passed to stand
as she took the wedding ring off his hand
all who were watching didn't dare speak
as a silent tear ran down her cheek
all through her mind, memories ran
of the times they laughed and walked
hand in hand
but now his eyes looked very cold
she'd never have him again, never to hold
all were silent as she bent down near
to whisper " I love you" in his ear
in touching his face, she started to cry
she put on her " wedding ring" and wanted to die
and just as the wind began to blow,
they lowered his casket into the snow.
--Author Unknown--

We didn't get home till 3 or so in the morning. When we got home, everything was a blur. It didn't seem right not to see my dad there. We tried to fall asleep but who were we trying to kid? How could we possibly sleep? I ended up getting at the most a half hour of sleep. The next morning we began making calls. All the people that we called told us we were sick for trying to pull such a joke with them; no one could ever imagine my father dead. Maybe the worst part of this day was that we were going to a Detroit Shock game which my dad had really good seats to. We were supposed to have so much fun and not have another care in the world. Sometimes I just wish all this could have happened the day after the game. If it did, at least I would have told my dad I was sorry for being so mean towards him. This afternoon we had to make the funeral arrangements. Walking in there was like hell. Making arrangements for my father's funeral when we should have been making plans for his retirement or something. Picking a casket out for my father! Why? How could my father have passed away the night before...It just didn't make any sense. After the funeral home, we went to pick out a lot at the cemetary. Cemetaries aren't for my dad;they are for old people who have died because of age, not my dad! Going home didn't help much. It just meant more phone calls to people that wouldn't believe us. Calling my friends was horrible. I shouldn't have to call my friends and cry to them; I should be calling them to make plans for the night. After the calling was somewhat over, people began showing up with PASTA. As much as i hate pasta i knew i had to have something to eat; I needed something in my stomach to prepare for the worst 5 days of my life.


My Daily Reminder

Is anybody happier because you passed this way?
Does anyone remember that you spoke to them today?
The day is almost over, and its toiling time is through.
Is there anyone to utter now a kindly word of you?
Can you say tonight in parting with the day that's slipping fast,
That you helped a single person of the many that you passed?
Is a single heart rejoicing over what you did or said?
Does the one whose hopes were fading now with courage look ahead?
Did you waste the day or use it?
Was it well or sorely spent?
Did you leave a trail of kindness, or a scar of discontent?
As you close your eyes in slumber, do you think that God will say:
"You have earned one more tomorrow by what you did today?"
--author unknown--

Going to a funeral home for my dad? Sounds crazy but at the age of 15 I had to do it. Walking into the room filled with so many flowers from people that we knew made me burst into tears. We knew my dad made an impact on a lot of people but we never thought this many! Seeing the people walk into the room so somber was like hell;People that are usually high in spirits like my dad couldnt utter a word. I wasnt the only one that didn't believe what was happening. Walking up to my father in his casket was horrible. He looked like he normally did when he got all dressed up. He just didn't belong in that casket. It was like he took the deceased body out and climbed inside to fool people! Having my father's employees tell me that "Your father's greatest love was going up north with your mom and you and watching you play basketball and run track" made me just want to die. He would never see me succeed and see me score all those three pointers. Seeing all my friends there helped me a little bit and got my mind of everything. I actually had a few good laughs there.


Arrival at Church

This, out of everything in the world, was the hardest to let go of. Letting go of my father's hand when i walked into kindergarten was tough, but this was by far has been the toughest task I have faced. Seeing everyone and talking to them was ok, but not being able to follow my dad around while he usually looked for something to do made me bored. Then the time came.

The Last Goodbye

My brothers had just finished saying their goodbyes. It was my mother's and mine turn. I dropped a note i wrote my dad into his casket. My mother picked it up and read it and began to cry. Then the time came where I had to touch my father's hand for the last time. It felt so cold, lifeless, and fake. This wasn't my father...he had to be sitting down in the church somewhere waiting for my mom and I to sit down, but no he was trapped in this casket. I bent down and kissed his cheek for the last time. It wasn't like it was supposed to be;His cheek was suppose to be soft and stubble-like but it wasnt. After that, the man from the funeral home who had realized at his moment that he knew my dad from before was preparing to close the casket. My brothers were holding my mom while my aunt held me. As they slowly began turning knobs to get ready to close it I thought of "Armageddon". I burst into tears and tried to get out of my aunt's grip to stop them from closing his casket. I let out a huge sob and yelled "No, Daddy" At the sound of this many people that were gathered in the pews turned around to watch. Even a person who never cries had to have let a tiny tear run down their cheek.

Walking up the aisle with the closed casket containing my father was a burden. I walked with my head down, tears streaming from my face having people watch me go through this hell. After mass, the procession was at the most a half mile long. The church was half filled for my father...but why was it filled for his funeral? Why couldn't it have been filled for sunday mass?! The procession to the cemetary was long. Arriving at the cemetary was strange. Some lady did a prayer over the casket while I silently wept for my dad to come back. They lead us to the burial site to witness his burying. Why was i burying my father? Why couldn't we just be up north with my aunt and uncle like we planned?! Watching them slide the casket in the site was indescribeable. The luncheon after was ok. It didn't seem right that my dad wasn't there though. Normally I would follow him around while my mother talked with family. Now I was wandering around by myself. The next day, Sunday would have been my parents' 30th wedding anniversary. This day was horrible because I had to focus on school which I had the next day. Going back to school seemed so unimportant. I was given sympathtic looks in the hall and i just wanted to burst out crying but i didn't. It's been hard these past few months, but i've been dealing well i guess. What didn't help matters was that my dad's sister passed away 4 months after he did. Seeing other people go through what i had to is horrible!

Well, I guess this enough about the events.


"Oh!" Please hear me father,
This fate I can not bear,
I miss your love, and words,
And the laughter we would share.
I knew this day would come,
I thought I was prepared,
Now that you are gone,
I'm feeling lost and scared.
Looking back through photo's,
Uniforms pressed and new,
The oceans calm and clear,
Your eyes are bright and blue.
Never once did I mind,
Those last months I cared for you,
The days when my body was tired,
Someone above helped me through.
I am feeling guilty of the pain,
You suffered your last days,
I wanted for you to feel peace,
With warmth of sunshine rays.
I wanted your passing to be easy,
After all of the pain you have had,
I wanted you to hear my voice
whisper,"I'll always love you dad."
Now that your home at last,
With strength to do all things,
Your bright blue eyes smiling,
Angels fluttering their wings.
"Oh, I miss you so much daddy!"
Knowing now that it's my time,
To believe what my hearts saying,
That your happy and just fine.

--author unknown--

It’s the simplest things,
that we miss the most.
It’s almost like torture.
It sneaks up on us like a ghost.
We hurt and we don’t know why.
We cry and would rather die.
Think of the things, they will miss,
the birthdays, the wedding, the father bride last kiss.
They say, there is a reason
and maybe they are right.
But all I know,
is the pain you feel tonight.
A day goes by
and turns into night.
A tear stream forms,
as you fill with fright.
But, we are here,
some caring good friends.
We are here and your heart
we will help mend.
So look real close,
your angel is near.
Smile when you see him,
don’t look away in fear.
I know life sucks,
and the gloom seems wrong.
But look for your angel
it won’t be long.

--author unknown--

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

When tomorrow starts without me,
and I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes,
all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry,
the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things,
we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me,
please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name,
and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready,
in heaven far above,
and that I'd have to leave behind,
all those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away,
a tear fell from my eye,
for all life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for,
so much yet to do,
it seemed almost impossible,
that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays,
the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday,
just even for awhile,
I'd say goodbye and kiss you
and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
from His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity,
and all I've promised you".
Today for life on earth is past,
but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow,
but today will always last,
and since each day's the same day,
there's no longing for the past.
But you have been so faithful,
so trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things,
you knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven
and now at last you're free.
So won't you take my hand
and share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
for everytime you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.
--Author Unknown--


Disclaimer ***All the above poems were sent to me or found in web pages with no copyrights that I wanted to use to make others aware of the pain that the death of a loved one causes. I am in no way using this against anyone or saying it is mine...It is sick that i have to put this on such a serious web page that is causing no pain or distruction towards anyone but $$$ is low here so i neednt be sued for such ridiculous claims***

Sweetbox
"Everything's Gonna Be Alright"

Everything's gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be alright

Who ever thought the sun would come crashing down
My life in flames my tears complete the pain
We fear the end, the dark as deep as river bed
My book of life incomplete without you here
Alone I sit and reminisce
Sometimes I miss your touch your kiss your smile
And meanwhile you know I never cry
'Cos deep down inside you know our love will never ever die

Everything's gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be okay
Everything's gonna be alright
Together we can take this one day at a time
Can you take my breath away
Can you give him life today
'Cos everything's gonna be okay
I'll be your strength, I'll be here when you wake up
Take your time and I'll be here when you wake up


I never thought my heart would miss a single beat
Caress your hand as I watch you while you sleep
So sweet I weep as I search within
To find a cure, to bring you back again
And the sun will rise open up your eyes
Surprise just a blink of the eye
I tried I tried to be positive
Your a fighter so fight, wake up and live


Everything's gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be okay
Everything's gonna be alright
Together we can take this one day at a time
Can you take my breath away
Can you give him life today
'Cos everything's gonna be okay
I'll be your strength, I'll be here when you wake up


I'd give my life to only see you breathe again
Hand in hand as we walk on the white sands
To hear your voice rejoice as you rise and say
This is the day that I wake and pray okay
Today's silence as time just moves on
You can't hear it though, but I'm playing my favourite songs
I miss you much, I wish you'd come back to me
You see I'd wait a lifetime 'cos you're my destiny


Everything's gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be okay
Everything's gonna be alright
Together we can take this one day at a time
Can you take my breath away
Can you give him life today
'Cos everything's gonna be okay
I'll be your strength, I'll be here when you wake up alright
Everything's gonna be alright
Everything's gonna be alright

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