Audience Tour Rider

Audience Tour Rider

Audience member (hereafter known as “Dude”) expects and does require that the below conditions be met through the duration of Artist’s performance. Failure to meet any requirement will entitle Dude to a full refund and gas money. Decision to yell, “You betrayed me, mother f***ker!” is made at Dude’s discretion.

1. Artist will not attempt to be scary if scariness is beyond Artist (e.g. spitting flames into small, fireproof bucket; making gangsta hand signal at wrong moment).
2. Artist will hate on his dad for no more than two (2) consecutive songs.
3. Artist will not dedicate inappropriate song to any persons related to 9/11 or war (e.g., “We’re sending out ‘Assblaster’ to all the firemen holding it down at Ground Zero!”).
4. Alcohol-enabling wristband will not be made of impermeable, space-age material that can only be removed from Dude’s person with bolt cutters. 5. Artist will not let road manager re-create Ja Rule or Jay-Z cameo, even if said manager claims to have “crazy flow.”
6. Artist will not wear a headset. Diamond Dave didn’t do it, and neither shall Artist.
7. Artist will not grab mic with both hands and do that nu metal stomp thing just because he’s run out of ideas. The stage is your canvas – paint! 8. Artist’s superfluous DJ will not wave hands above head during chorus, nor will said DJ actually attempt to “cut it up.”
9. Artist can sport either pointy devil beard or ironic ‘80s new wave keyboard player, but not both.
10. Artist must include one (1) band member who could reasonably be invited to dinner with moms.
11. Artist will not lean on old school medley to pad set list.
12. Artist will at no point claim to be “taking it to the next level” or “keeping it real.” Artist will further jeopardize any regional appearance by announcing: “You ain’t never heard no sh*t like this before!”
13. If Dude deems Artist’s attempt to rhyme to be mildly Fred-like, Artist will donate a portion of the evening’s proceeds to a local charity.
14. Artist will not make unrealistic promises during the show (e.g., “The bullgod will spank that ass” or “I am going to booglarize you, baby”).
15. Artist will not perform radio hit more than twice, unless Dude is totally bored and is screaming for it, like, constantly. Artist has a job to do.

*Taken from Spin Magazine sometime in 2002*

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