and if you care...

I've lost 10 lbs doing Atkins :) :)

I just got into a really bad fight with my mom. Things have us have been...a little edgy lately (although neither of us would probably come right out and say it before all this happened). I think there's just natural tension from that "my baby's leaving the house for good in less than 2 months" kind of feeling. Having the house probably doesn't help matters because it probably reminds her of that fact every time she sets foot in it. I think subconsciously, that's the reason why she thinks our hallway paint is too bright, the house is a mess, etc, and has done nothing but bitch about it for the last week. I don't know if my dad is going through this too, and he's just in denial, or maybe he's just not "sentimental" enough to realize what's going on, because he's just been really helpful and we've been getting along great lately. Mom would never dare say all this though - it's like every 2 months or so she has to throw herself a pity party. And I know by the time that I'm done writing this she'll want to talk and I'll end up staying up till like 3 am talking to her. Which is really not what I need to do when I already woke up tired and spent a good chunk of the night doing physical work. The thing that sucks is that she claims she's mad about a comment I said to her on the way to the MG meeting, which was at like 2 pm (interesting sidenote: I was named their 2004 Volunteer of the Year - woo hoo!). Anyways, my question to her was, if it bugged you so much then, and I didn't leave the house till around 5 pm, why didn't you bring it up SOMETIME in those 3 hours? Why wait until 12 am? Even my dad accused her of "waiting" until I got home to pick a fight with me.
The whole point of the fight was the usual "You don't appreciate all I do for you" crap. Which, I admit, sometimes I don't appreciate all she does. However, the reason it sometimes seems that way, is because the "all I do for you" stuff is insane things that I don't really WANT her to do for me (examples: cutting random articles out of the newspaper that hold my interest for like 2 seconds, most of which I've already read), or stuff that she does at the same time insinuating that she HAS to do it because I'm not talented/strong/domestic enough to do it (ie cleaning the cobwebs off the ceiling in my living room). I also think that, when I do ask her to do something for me, that even if she doesn't want to do it, she doesn't have enough of a backbone to tell me no. I do the same thing about 90% of the time, and it's all because I don't want to disappoint people. And I know she never wants to disappoint me or make me feel like I'm not loved. But today - the problem was that I wanted to try on my wedding dress (a feat usually needing two people) and she apparently didn't have enough time afterwards to take a shower without being late to our meeting today. I don't know why she couldn't just say "You know, I'll help you, but then we'll be late to the meeting." Of course, then I probably would have bitched about how long it took her to get ready (because she honestly takes like 3 hours - I know alex bitches at me for taking like 1/2 an hour, but isn't that a little insane? Get a wash-and-wear haircut or something. Sheesh if it took me 3 hours to get ready I'd stop wearing makeup...) but still.

Anyways I know this is the longest I've posted anything in like 3 centuries, but it feels good to get some things off my chest after my dad kind of forced me to go to bed and stop screaming at my mother. Boy she makes me mad though - I have to listen to her scream at me for like 20 minutes, but then when I start yelling back she pretends not to listen. I wish I had that skill. I'm usually too worried about what everyone thinks to be able to tune them out. alex possesses that skill too. Maybe that's why he and my parents seem to have communication difficulties - because neither of them really wants to take the time to listen to each other. And then she-who-cares-way-too-much-me gets stuck listening to both of them bitch about the other, and trying to take both sides. This has made planning the wedding way, way, way more complicated than need be. Right now the resentment stems from an unlocked door (Mom and Alex both think the other one left it unlocked) and the fact that my mom brought Grandma to my house without asking Alex first. Of course she wouldn't do that, they don't communicate. What was I thinking?

All this thinking actually led me to writing a very bad poem that for some odd reason I am going to post here. Keep in mind that this is the first writing I've done in like 3 years, so I'm a bit rusty. You really, really don't need to tell me it sucks. I fully expect that my work does suck unless I hear someone tell me otherwise.

Baby Steps
Baby step to the left
Baby step to the right
Baby
stomp those not-so-baby feet
slam the door
the one that used to hold the cradle
but now is the entrance
to a princess' castle.

But soon baby will be stepping out
Making messes
on someone else's brand new black sofa.
Her cries at night
cannot be silenced by his warm embrace.

Baby step to the left
and see the world from a different view
Those sad tears
work to clear the vision
of what's been hiding
behind that crib's thick bars.
Baby step to the right
and begin to stand
instead of crawl.
They may not recognize you anymore.
But they know your scream in the nighttime.

Soon she'll have a baby all her own
And only then will you realize -
she's not a baby anymore.

Creed Breaks Up

This just totally made my week :)

reason why i haven't been around: strep throat. finally feeling human again.