My wife has a severe obsession with shag carpeting and it's now starting to affect our sex life. During our love making my wife makes me duct tape a large piece of shag carpet to my back so that she can feel it while we engage. I don't konw where else to turn to. Please help!......Degraded & Sad
Dear Degraded & Sad,
Don't worry I believe there is a easy solution to your problem, it's called: Fear Therapy. Simply plant small insects such as pincher beetles or ants within the rug and soon your wifes' desire for the feel of the carpet will be replaced by a sudden fear followed by confusion. She will no longer long for the feel of the shag but will despise it. Another method may be to set one or two mouse traps on the carpet. This method may seem more extrmeme but your sex life will be back to normal in no time.....Dr. Love
Dear Dr. Love,
My girlfriend and I have been going out for nearly two years now and we are madly and deeply in love. However, there is one problem that I can ignore no longer. My girlfriend has thick black hair on the tops of her big toes and she refuses to shave it. She is forever wearing sandles and I find it hard to go out in public with her. When I asked her to please shave the small mounds she said that she couldn't because it would affect her balance. I know that I shouldn't let this come between our love but I can't take it anymore....Sincerely, Fuzzy Phalange Phobia
Dear Fuzzy,
You're right, you cannot let this come between your love, so I have devised a simple and logical plan for you to encourage your loved one to submit to your bald toe desire. Merely tell her that while sleeping the night before you were blessed with a vision of what is, and what is to be. Tell her that on a specific date (make sure not to use April 1st) aliens will be hiding behind a comet awaiting their given signal to abduct earthlings with superior balance due to extra toe hair. Not only should this work but your in for a good laugh also. If by chance this doesn't work then wait till she is asleep and murder the nasty bushles with Nair
Dear Dr. Love,
I have this problem. I am a huge horror movie fan and I love to watch them, usually wtih my boyfriend. But whenever a scary part comes on he starts to climb all over me and makes me promise him that I'll protect him. This is EXTREMELY embarrassing and therefore we cannot go to see a movie in public, for fear of me being totally embarrassed. What am I to do?....Totally turned off
Dear Totally turnded off,
This is actually not that uncommon of a problem. Research has been done in this area and 3 techniques have been proven to work with fairly satisfying results. Each and every time your gentleman friend behaves in the said manner simply do one of the following:
(1) Club him on the nose with a leg bone from a large dog.
(2)Begin chanting over and over again: "We're gonna get you. We're gonna get you. Not another peep. It's time to go to sleep"
(3)Spin your head completlely around while making a "zzzzzzzz" like sound (granted this does take some practice and expertise in yoga and extensive training in the field of deep meditation....dr. love
Dear Dr. Love,
My husband and I love to do recreational things to enhance our relationship and keep it alive and healthy, such as canoeing, camping, golf, & horseback riding. But unfortunately I have been suffering from severe arthritis lately and nothing seems to be able to ease the pain. Maybe I'm just being paranoid but I feel like if I can't keep up with my husband and our usual past-times then he will leave me for a younger and healtheir woman. Please help!!....Worried & in Pain.
Dear Worried,
Quit your whining you selfish witch! I have nearly 100 nails embedded into my head & ytou don't see me going around complaing and writing silly little letters to people I don't even know and asking them desperately for help. As a matter of fact I'm able to do many exhaustive duties with my condition such as: torturing, summoning, being summoned and wearing tight leather dresses. You do not know the meaning of pain child. If you dn't stop your whining I'm going to STEAL YOUR SOUL!!....Pinhead
Dear Dr. Love,
My boyfriend and I have reached a point where we feel we've done everything there is to do and we are getting bored. I am scared that this will hurt our relationship. Any suggestions?....Bored To Death
Dear Bored,
Why yes I just happen to have the perfect time "killer" & it is adventurous at the same time. I think you and your boyfriend should go skinny dipping at night, and I have just the place. Enclosed is a map with directions to a very nice lake. Don't worry it's in a secluded area & the water is "crystal" clear....Jason Vorhees
ps. OH yeah, I almost forgot....ch, ch, ch, ch, ah, ah, ah, ah
Dear Dr. Love,
My girlfriend & I just can't seem to agree on what to do on our Friday nights. She wants to watch reruns of Seinfeld & play Scrabble and I want to listen for secret messages on albums by playing them backwards. What should I do?....Scrabble or Stairway
Dear Scrabble,
That's easy!! Cut her jugular. Yeah! Take a "straight razor" & "go for the throat". Next thing you know you'll be having "more fun than an open casket funeral" & "grinning like an undertaker". Have a splattering good day....Martha Splatterhead