Ummm...gomen nasai?  *runs and hides*

***

Silent All These Years


He enters my room slowly, moving as quietly as a cat and twice as
gracefully.  I feign sleep as he nears my bed, already preparing for the
ritual that has occurred with ever-increasing frequency of late.  I feel my
heart flutter a bit as he moves to my side; even here, now, I am not immune
to that strange allure he wears like a shield.  Without opening my eyes I
can sense him standing over me, can almost see him biting his lip as he
concentrates.  Then I feel a feather-light touch at my temples and
regretfully I sigh and open my eyes, knowing that this can’t go on.

"Hello, Kurama."

He starts in surprise, then smiles gently, ruefully.  "Keiko. Did I wake
you?"

"No.  I’ve been waiting, actually." I pause, bite back another sigh. "This
has to stop."

"Keiko, I can’t just-"

With a wave of my hand I silence him, feeling the pull of the IV tube in my
arm. "Kurama, enough.  I can’t go on like this. YOU can’t go on like this.
It’s time to let go."

"Keiko..."

When the cancer overwhelmed their best efforts, my doctors told me I’d be
lucky if I survived for more than a few months. To their surprise, a few
months..turned into a year, then two, then three.  Of course, they had no
way of knowing that I had two additional doctors helping me along.  While
they couldn’t heal me completely, Kurama’s herbs and Yukina’s youki helped
strengthen me and lessen the effects of the disease.  Still, my health
inexorably worsened, and I could see the strain on Yukina.  She was pouring
increasing amounts of healer’s ki into my body to keep the cancer at bay but
clearly couldn’t hold out much longer, and the guilt gnawed at me as
fiercely as any physical pain.  When she realized she was pregnant, it gave
me the opportunity to ask her to stop treating me; she needed her strength
for the twins.

A few months after Yukina’s babies were born, the cancer took hold again
with a vengeance, and I was told that I had perhaps two months left.  I
worried less about myself than about Yuusuke...he had taken my diagnosis
very hard, and I know he was furious, at the doctors for not doing enough,
at Yukina and Kurama for not being able to heal me, at me for...giving up...
He took out his anger on anybody and everybody within range until Kurama
took Yuusuke aside and explained that there would be time for rage later and
that he shouldn’t let his anguish over my impending death taint the time we
had left.  Yuusuke seemed to come around after that.  Oh, he was still
angry....it has always terrified him to face an enemy that can’t be
physically pummeled into submission....but he was also absolutely determined
to enjoy the short time we had left.

Somehow, two months turned into six.  The doctors were again at a loss.  At
the time, we attributed it to the lingering effects of Yukina’s ki
infusions, then to my own stubbornness.  Nobody thought to question this
good fortune; we simply enjoyed the extra time we had together.  But once
again, my health started to slide.  Suddenly, much to our surprise, Hiei
returned to the Makai, apparently for good.  According to Kuwabara, Kurama
and his lover hadn’t parted on good terms; he’d heard them arguing and seen
Hiei storm away after telling Kurama to "find me when you’ve come to your
senses." And then one day Yukina asked me if I thought Kurama looked any
thinner.  He was tiring more easily, and illnesses or injuries that used to
take minutes or hours to heal were instead taking days or even weeks.
Yukina had also observed that his ki levels were alarmingly low.  Still, it
wasn’t until one of the nurses saw him stumbling from my room in the middle
of the night that we realized what was happening: Kurama was using his own
ki to sustain me.

As I gaze up at him now, I can clearly see the effects of the last six
months.  Always thin, he’s now positively gaunt, and his skin is so pale as
to be translucent.  His eyes are unnaturally bright, fevered, and he can no
longer completely hide the exhaustion he must be feeling. If his mother were
still alive, she’d be appalled to see him this way.  I repress a shudder,
suddenly aware of the silence between us, then wince as I feel a twinge in
my side.

Kurama doesn’t miss this and reacts in an instant, trying to heal what can’t
be healed.  I grab his wrist, alarmed at its thinness. "Kurama, no.  It’s
just a little pain; I can deal with it. You don’t have to take care of me
anymore.  You’ve done enough already." He pauses for an instant, gazing
searchingly at my face, then sighs and looks away, shoulders slumped.  I can
see him trembling and my heart aches for him.  How much death has he seen in
his long life?  How much is too much?

"I’m sorry, Keiko." His voice is so low that I have to strain to hear it,
even though he’s right next to me. "I was-"

"Trying to help.  I know.  And I appreciate it, I really do.  But there’s
nothing more to be done." I raise my hand again to forestall his protest.
"You and Yukina have tried your best, and you’ve given me more than three
years I wouldn’t have had otherwise.  I’m grateful to both of you for that,
but I’m tired, Kurama. I can’t fight this anymore.  And I can’t lie here and
let you try to fight it for me; that wouldn’t be right.  Besides," I add,
with only slightly forced brightness, "you look like hell.  At the rate you’
re going, you’ll wind up in here with me, and you wouldn’t want to deprive
the Kuwabara twins of their favorite uncle now, would you?"

At his demurral, I shake my head.  "Oh, yes you are.  You’re everybody’s
favorite uncle. that’s your whole problem.  Favorite uncles are favorites
because they’re kind and loving and fun to be around and they help you with
all your problems.  But they’re not supposed to have any problems of their
own."

"For years now we’ve all treated you like our favorite uncle.  You’ve helped
us with our homework, bandaged our cuts and scrapes, doled out hangover
cures by the bushel, provided a shoulder to cry on whenever we needed one,
and thrown a joke or a story in for good measure. You were even Yukina-chan’
s midwife!  You’ve worked tirelessly to keep us all happy and comfortable.
It’s a shame you don’t have that much regard for yourself."

"Keiko, for centuries I did nothing BUT live for myself.  I didn’t give a
damn about anything or anyone as long as they served my purposes..."

"Is that why you still have Kuronue’s pendant?"

He doesn’t quite manage to hide his flinch, and I continue, hating myself
for stirring up god-only-knows-what for him, but knowing that I have to talk
to him while I still have the strength and the nerve.  "Your problem isn’t
that you don’t feel anything; it’s that you feel TOO MUCH.  You hide your
pain beneath a series of masks so flawless that most people don’t know they’
re even there! And we’ve all let ourselves be fooled by those masks, because
we’re more comfortable with our Favorite Uncle Kurama than with a man who
has his own crosses to bear." He doesn’t meet my eyes. "We’ve failed you."

At this, Kurama whirls, eyes wide, rapidly nearing hysteria. "Failed me?
Failed ME?  What about how I’ve failed all of you? How many times have
other people on the team been hurt because of me? What about Hiei?  What
about YOU?  How can you be so concerned about me when you’re lying in that
hospital bed dying a little at a time and there’s nothing, NOTHING I can
do-" He cuts himself off, choking back...sobs?

I’ve never seen him cry before.  I don’t think anyone has.  To see him this
close to the breaking point...over me?... is almost more than I can bear.  He
’s always been so calm, so poised, even when Shiori was in the throes of her
sudden, final.. .illness...Kami-sama....Shiori’s illnesses.  He nearly died
trying to save her the first time, but the last. Like son, like mother....
Shiori never told him she was sick, and Kurama was simply too busy helping
Yukina with her pregnancy and me with the cancer to pay much attention.  Her
death must have been the last straw for him.  No wonder he’s been taking
this so hard!  What fools we’ve all been not to see it!

"Kurama..." I take a shuddering breath, reach up as best I can to enfold him
in my tube-laden arms, feeling the tremors wrack his too-thin body as he
struggles in vain to regain control. "Daijoubu, Kurama, daijoubu.  Go ahead
and cry...nobody will see it but me..."

"I...I can’t....it’s too much. If I c-cry now, I’ll never stop..."

We cling to each other for a small eternity.  I can feel my own tears
slipping down my face...I didn’t think I had any left!....but don’t bother
wiping them.  Finally Kurama pulls away, looking as drained as I feel.
"Thank you, " he whispers, smiling so very faintly, as if he hasn’t the
strength to do any more.

Somehow, I manage to return his smile. "And thank YOU....for everything.
Thank you for giving me these extra months to say my good-byes. I...wasn’t
ready before.  But now...I know it’ll be all right."

"Keiko?!"

"Oh, not NOW.  Soon, though; I can feel it.  Just...promise me you’ll take
care of yourself."

 His smile widens almost imperceptibly.  "I-I promise."

"Good."

"Ne, Keiko?  Are you...in a lot of pain?  At least let me do something to
lessen it-"

"Ku-RA-ma!  That’s what the morphine is for."

"...."

"Look..why don’t you go home and get some rest?  I’m sure Botan will tell
everyone when it’s time."

"I..all right.  Will you be-"

"Fine!  I’ll be fine.  You go home and sleep for a while, you look as if you
haven’t slept in days anyway.  And maybe tomorrow you can go find your fire
demon and tell him you’ve come to your senses.  I’m sure he’s just waiting
to hear from you." Because Yuusuke made a point of asking Mukuro to keep
him informed, I remind myself, and according to her Hiei is worried sick.
"Go; don’t worry so much about me.  It’ll make me feel better to know you’re
being selfish for once."

That gets me a rueful grin in response.  Kurama gently embraces me again
before gliding toward the door. "Arigatou, Keiko-chan," he murmurs. "Good
night." Then he’s gone, almost as if he was never there.

For a few moments I ponder what happened tonight.  I’m amazed I was actually
able to talk to him; more amazed that he listened. I’ll have to ask the
others to watch him more closely in the future though, just in case.  Old
habits die hard.

Finally I close my eyes, feeling my own exhaustion overtaking me.  It was
very hard staying awake this long but well worth the discomfort.  Still...it
won’t be long now.  I feel sleep’s irresistible pull and gladly succumb to
it.  Maybe I’ll dream of Yuusuke....
 
Silent All These Years
From: Zoe Sionnach( by way of Rhion)