By Justice
Disclaimer: I own none of these people. These are all creations of someone else. Please, PLEASE don't sue me.
2nd Disclaimer: This is the result of watching too many taped television shows. It's sort of a combination of every single thing I've ever recorded, including the animated X-Men series. It is also the result of little sleep and LOTS of Ben & Jerrys Chocolate Cherry Garcia Ice Cream. Please forgive me.
3rd Disclaimer: This is not a story per se, but a humorous screenplay. This is what television would be like if I was responsible for writing scripts. Yes, be VERY afraid.
Timeframe: This is not the comic book Gambit but the X-Men Animated Series Gambit. It takes place right after the first season. Duncan MacLeod (Highlander: the series) hasn't met Richie yet, and Tessa isn't dead. This is early in McGuyver's series, I'm not real sure when. Xena and other Xena show characters are from about the third or fourth season. Raiden of Mortal Kombat is the Christopher Lambert Raiden, from the first MK movie. Tiger of the Wind (Monster Rancher: the Animated series) is still a bandit and has not met Genki or Holly yet. Balto is in the middle of his movie when he and the others from the Balto movie show up.
[Somewhere in a Random Small Village™]
(GAMBIT is walking along a dirt road, in a small, fairly primitive village. He looks wary. Following behind him is ARGO, the palomino horse.)
GAMBIT: Come out, come out, wherever you- AHA!
(From out of nowhere there is a flash and POOF there stands ARES)
ARES: You knew I was following you?
GAMBIT: I could smell ya comin'. Whaddaya want, (Sneer) war god?
ARES: I want... War.
(GAMBIT is angry now, and drops ARGO's reins)
GAMBIT: Then y'found it, Ares!
(GAMBIT flings his Chakram at-
GAMBIT: Now jes' hang on a sec here, Justice. I have a Snarkm?
(Sure, I guess...)
XENA: That's Chakram, not Snarkm.
GAMBIT: Whatever.
XENA: ...and no, you don't. That Chakram is mine!
ARES: ExCUSE me, I need to find War pretty soon here.
XENA: Fine, Ares. (Holds out hand to GAMBIT) Give me my Chakram.
(GAMBIT clutches the circular weapon protectively)
GAMBIT: No, s'mine now! Justice said I c'n have it! Get yer own Charmkern!
XENA: Chakram.
GAMBIT: Whatever! It's mine!
ARES: Um, I hate to interupt, but-
XENA and GAMBIT together: WHAT!
ARES: I need to find War, NOW!
XENA: Okay FINE. Look, Gambit, I need my Chakram. Give it to me.
GAMBIT: No! MINE!
(GAMBIT grabs GABRIELLE's staff, handing the Chakram to ARES for the moment. XENA draws her sword and the two fight. ARGO wanders off)
ARES: Ummm... could someone help me find War, please? Someone?
(XENA knocks GAMBIT flat and turns to ARES)
XENA: GIMME THAT CHAKRAM!
ARES: I thought it belonged to Gambit now.
(XENA and ARES get into a tug of war over the Chakram. GAMBIT stands and looks on, furious)
GAMBIT: HEY! Let go o' my Sharklen!
XENA: It CHAKRAM you moron!
GAMBIT: Whatever! Let go!
(Suddenly, XENA and ARES fall backwards as the Chakram breaks in half!)
GAMBIT: Y' broke my Sarhksem?!?
XENA: It's Chakr-
GAMBIT: (Cutting XENA off) Whatever! You BROKE it!
(ARES takes the other half of the broken Chakram from XENA and tries to put them together, with no success. GAMBIT watches, anxious)
GAMBIT: Can y'fix it mebbe?
ARES: No. There is no substance I know of that can fix your Chakram.
(McGuyver walks onstage, looking at those already here.)
McGUYVER: Did I hear that right? Let me see that thing. Name's McGuyver, by the way. (Takes the Chakram pieces and looks at them carefully) Yeah, I can fix you'r Chakram, Gambit. No problem!
XENA: That's MY Chakram!
(McGUYVER takes out his trusty trademark Duct Tape and begins to wrap it around the Chakram. In minutes, it is fixed. McGUYVER hands the Chakram to GAMBIT)
GAMBIT: Hey, cool! Thanks!
XENA: But, that's mine...
ARES: Hate to interrupt, but I'm looking for War.
XENA: FINE! (XENA draws her sword, as does ARES. They battle back and forth, untill ARES stands over XENA, sword raised, poised to cut her head off. Suddenly, ARES is gone and- wait a second... how'd HE get in here...?)
HIGHLANDER: I am Duncan MacLeod of the clan MacLeod. There can be only-
(Hold it, HIGHLANDER. This is ARES's scene. Not yours. Where'd ARES go, anyway?)
GAMBIT: Bat'room break.
(Okay. HIGHLANDER, you'r not in this scene. Go back to your own show, we'll call you if we need you.)
HIGHLANDER: But... if there's a head to cut off... It's my job, lass.
(But we don't need-
RAIDEN: Hey, MacLeod, you need lightening effects yet?
HIGHLANDER: Aye, in a minute, just as soon as I decapitate this little lass. (Points to XENA)
XENA: Hey!
(Okay, everybody calm down. HIGHLANDER, we'll call you when we need you. RAIDEN, go with HIGHLANDER untill he needs the lightening bolt thingy you do. Everyone else, places!)
GAMBIT: Okay.
XENA: Fine.
ARES: Ummm, Justice? I really need to find-
(IN A MINUTE. Check your scripts, people!)
XENA: Okay, says here that Ares is looking for War.
ARES: That's what I've been trying to tell you!!!
GAMBIT: Then why didn't y' say so, homme?
ARES: I DID!!! I've lost my dear, sweet little War and don't know where to find him.
GAMBIT: "Him?" I allus thought War was th' result o' male aggression, but-
ARES: No no no, stupid, War is the name of my horse!
(At this point XENA and GAMBIT exchange a nasty glance. GABRIELLE and JOXER snicker quietly. GAMBIT and XENA turn and... hey, don't look at me like that, guys.)
XENA: Jeez, Justice, you knew it all along, didn't you.
(Well of COURSE I did. I'm the one writing this, remember?)
GAMBIT: She's got a point dere.
GABRIELLE: Maybe War is with Argo... Hey, wasn't Argo right here?
GAMBIT: Yah, where'd my lil' palomino hoss go?
XENA: NO WAY! You do NOT get both my Chakram AND my horse!!!
(Well... )
XENA: I don't BELIEVE this! (XENA storms out of camera range, swearing in a decidedly New Zealand accent)
ARES: Yes, Gabrielle, I'll bet War and Argo are safe somewhere... maybe together...
GAMBIT: Don' get y' hopes up.
(RAIDEN peeks back into view)
RAIDEN: Need me yet?
(No. Sorry RAIDEN. GAMBIT and JOXER begin wandering around, calling ARGO. ARES does likewise, calling WAR.)
GAMBIT: Heeeeeeere Argo Argo Argo... heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere Argo Argo Argo...
ARES: War, where are you?!
JOXER: Argo, come home!
(GAMBIT and ARES give JOXER a strange look)
JOXER: Well, it worked for Lassie!
GAMBIT: Yeah? Den mebbe it-HEY! (GAMBIT leaps backwards to avoid being run over by a dogsled pulled by BALTO)
GAMBIT: Watch where you goin' mutt!!!
BALTO: Sorry!
(BALTO pulls the sled away, and a moment later TIGER OF THE WIND follows)
TIGER: Wait, Balto! I want to join you'r team! Waaaiiiiitt!
(GAMBIT grabs TIGER as he runs by, holding him by his horns)
GAMBIT: Okay, monster, tell Gambit all y' know 'bout Argo and War.
TIGER: Argo is a yellow horse. War is the result of international tension and male agression.
GAMBIT: Yah, that's what I thought...
ARES: No, War is my horse.
TIGER: Oh, THAT War. Well, let's see... um, nothing?
(GAMBIT glares down at TIGER.)
GAMBIT: Wrong answer. (GAMBIT sticks his fingers roughly against TIGER's throat, using pressure poin-
XENA: THAT'S MY MOVE!!! He can't have my Chakram, AND my horse, AND my pressure point manuever! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!
(Okay, okay. GAMBIT, let go.)
GAMBIT: But...
(NOW!)
GAMBIT: Okay, okay, sheesh...
(XENA sticks her fingers roughly against TIGER's throat, using pressure points to cause pain)
TIGER: Aaaaarrrrggg!
XENA: Now, tell me where Argo is.
ARES: (Clears throat loudly)
XENA: Oh, right. And War, too.
TIGER: Alright! Let go! Ow! Callisto has them! Both of them! Yeow! Alright, you've left me no choice! ULTIMATE BOLT ATTACK!
RAIDEN: You called?
TIGER: Yep...
(With RAIDEN's help, TIGER shocks XENA into unconsiousness with his Bolt Attack)
TIGER: Serves her right. Thanks Raiden.
RAIDEN: No prob.
GAMBIT: Gee, glad dat wasn't me...
ARES: C'mon Gambit, Joxer, we have to find our horses before Callisto can do who-knows-what unspeakable things to them. Gabrielle, you stay here with Xena and make sure she's okay. Raiden, you come with us. Tiger, you think you can help us track our horses?
TIGER: Sure. But I want that shiny round thing in return.
GAMBIT: Not my Sarkhern!!!
JOXER: Chakram.
GAMBIT: Not you too.
TIGER: Okaaaay... then I want a pony ride on Argo when we find them.
ARES: Why not War?
TIGER: Argo is just cooler. Okay, gimme some space, humans!
GAMBIT: But I'm not-
TIGER: Close enough.
(TIGER puts his nose to the ground and catches ARGO's scent. He begins to follow it, and GAMBIT, ARES, JOXER, and RAIDEN follow him.)
(Meanwhile, CALLISTO is seated at a square table, ARGO and WAR on either side of her)
CALLISTO: Such pretty horses... nice. Too bad you'll never see your masters again.
(TIGER lopes into view, followed by ARES)
ARES: Hold it right there, Callisto! Give me back my horse!
CALLISTO: Oh, I don't think so. See, I've been talking with these two, and they don't like you very much. Isn't that right, Irving?
WAR: Absolutely, Callisto. You see, I'm sick of being referred to as "War." It is an innapropriate name. War is the result of international tension.
GAMBIT: (Enters) Don' forget male agression!
WAR: Yes, that too.
JOXER: What about Argo? C'mere girl, I'll pet ya and give ya a treat...
ARGO: My name is Timothy, and I'm no girl.
(JOXER whimpers)
ARES: Well... what will make you happy again, Wa-I mean, Irving?
(JOXER speaks up before WAR gets the chance)
JOXER: Make Gambit strip naked and give you his clothes!
GAMBIT: WHAT?!?
WAR: Yes... that would suffice.
GAMBIT: Now jes' one minute here, Joxer...
JOXER: That's Joxer the Mighty to you. Got it?
GAMBIT: It's gonna be Joxer de Maimed in 'bout ten seconds…
ARGO: Certainly. Seeing Gambit with no clothes would make me very happy. I get to keep his coat!
(Hey, I'd like to see that, too. Go for it, GAMBIT.)
GAMBIT: Justice, I'm gonna kill you!!!
(GAMBIT, still grumbling, pulls off his coat and hands it to ARGO. Next, his shirt, which he gives to WAR, followed by his pants, which he throws at CALLISTO, and finally his boots, which chucks at JOXER and ARES.)
GAMBIT: There, satisfied???
WAR: Sure, thanks. You can call me War again, by the way.
ARGO: Yeah, and just pretend I'm actually a girl. Thanks!
CALLISTO: Works for me...
ARES: Thank you, Gambit, for sacrificing your clothes for the greater good.
JOXER: But he's still wearing underwear...
GAMBIT: (To JOXER) You got a deat' wish???
JOXER: Nevermind.
ARES: Well, now that we have our hors-
(Hang on... we're out of time. Sorry people, go home. And someone please give GAMBIT some clothes?)
HIGHLANDER: But I didn't get to decapitiate anyone!
CALLISTO: Neither did I, but you don't hear me complaining about it, do you?
(Okay, THAT was totally pointless... hey, but isn't that what TV is for?)
GAMBIT: Ummm... do I still get to keep the Chraknerm?
CALLISTO: I think it's called a Chakram.
GAMBIT: Whatever.
[END, thank God...]
ARES: You're welcome...
(Tune in next week for the second half of our adventure: The Horse of the Exact Same Color…)
Okay, that didn't turn out the way I had originally planned... sorry if this sucked. It was just a feeble attempt to stick a bunch of random characters together in the same story. As always, comments are appreciated [DemonCougar@hotmail.com] and I truly apologise if I have made fun of a character or televison show you like.
