~†~Jokes~†~
Quik Wit:
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In
English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is
still a negative.
However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up..."Yeah, right."
Religious Confusion
A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his bedroom and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his bedroom to see if he is okay. Then they find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+. Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son what changed your mind about learning math? The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business." (PERFECT FOR ME!!!!):)
Three Gifts
3 sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together they discussed gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "Ha, I got you both beat. Remember how mother loved to read the Bible? And you know that she can't see very well? Well, I sent her an amazing parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Church elders 14 years to teach him. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Adam," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Jon," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel and stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Gerald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was absolutley delicious..."
Only in America
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open but chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a "diet" coke.
Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.
Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures."
The Drummer and the Conductor
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
Counterfeit Money
A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small southern hick town. So he got into his new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he asked.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Sure, Mister. Ya'll want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"
Talking Clock
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock," the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear- shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
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