Disclaimer and rating: I wrote this very late at night. The whole thing was inspired by, literally, me sitting around thinking about what Hudson Leick would look like as a Sith. Personally, I think she'd be one kick-ass Darth Anything. Hell, she'd give that Maul dude a run for his money. Anywho, it's rated probably about PG, for mild cursing and, to quote Gabrielle, some humorous "grrl-grrl action". Enjoy!
In the time of ancient gods, in a studio far, far away...
(DARKNESS, THEN POUNDING SCORE)
Turmoil has engulfed the Athenian Republic. The Evil Federation of Mesopotamia has threatened a small band of rebel warriors fighting for the freedom of the Atheneum planet. Encouraged by the diplomatic abilities of their Queen, the Amazon Regent Ephiny, the mission has so far been thwarted.
In their desperate attempt to free their home planet, they have called upon the many skills of the legendary Jedi Warrior Xena. Only she can save the movie.
(Pan down to view of starry sky. A sleek ship flashes in the distance) Inside ship (Two cloaked figures stand with their backs to the camera.)
Pilot: With all due respect for the Mesopotamian Federation, the Ambassadors for the Regent wish to board immediately.
Back of chair turns to show...Alti: Of course. Bring ‘em on up. (Tap on shoulder) Oh, yeah, the line. “Yes, yes, of course. Bring ‘em on up.” (Groan heard offstage, paper ripping) What, that’s not the line? (Grumbles, and footstep fading> What? That’s it, I’m going back to the X-Files.
(Cloaked figures walking behind droid)
Droid: I hope you will be most comfortable here. My master will be with you shortly.
(Droid bows, and exit. The figures raise the hoods of the cloaks, revealing...Master Xena and her Apprentice Gabrielle. Gabrielle has regulation Padawan short hair with the little braid, while Xena’s hair is long and flowing)
Gabrielle: I have a bad feeling about this...eww, what smells like fish?
Xena: I don’t sense anything. And that fishy smell is probably due to that large mounted Galactic Carp over the mantle. Gods these Mesopotamians have bad taste.
Gabrielle: It’s not about the mission Master. It’s something elsewhere...elusive.
Xena: It’s probably nothing. Forget about it.
Gabrielle: But Master Lao Ma said I should be mindful of the future.
Xena: Lao Ma’s not here right now, is she? Screw Lao Ma.
Gabrielle: (dubiously) Okiday.
Xena: (turns swiftly) What? What did you just say?
Gabrielle: I dunno. Ooh, look, they’re serving us drinks!
Xena: (muttered) Figures you’d notice the food.
Gabrielle: (sharply) What was that?
Xena: Nothing.
Gabrielle: Wonder if there’s any henbane in this...
Xena: What was that?
Gabrielle: Never mind. Is it in their nature to make us wait this long?
Xena: No. I sense an unusual amount of...fear? Anxiety? Gas? At any rate, something fishy’s going on.
Gabrielle: (looks up at wall-mounted carp) You’re telling me.
(Loud shouts and blaster fire are heard from behind the door. Xena and Gabrielle jump from their seats, lit sabers in hand. Smoke pours in through the vents.)
Xena: (signalling her apprentice to hold her breath) Told you it was gas.
Gabrielle: Whatever. (covers her mouth and nose with sleeve)
***************************
(Iris side-shot of Jar-Jar Binks walking into view of lens. He stops the in the exact center of shot, and peers into lens, giving close-up of his lovely bug-eyed face)
Jar-Jar: Hey, what’s-a this?
(Pull back to show...a sniper rifle.)
Jar-Jar: Whoopsie.
(Sound of rifle fired. Jar-Jar’s body explodes. Seconds later, bloody bits of his torn carcass rain down on the ground. Something smears the camera lens)
R2-D2: *Beep, whistle whistle* (Holy shit!)
*******************************
Gabrielle: Xena, I was wondering if we could ever be more than just Master and Apprentice.
Xena: What are you talking about, Gabrielle?
Gabrielle: What I’m saying is, we’ve been very close, and...see, you’re like family, and our friendship binds us closer than blood, and....oh, what the hell.
(Gabrielle grabs Xena and kisses her full on the lips)
Xena: I think we just violated about 17 million Jedi Codes, not to mention giving the movie a minimum rating of PG-13, but...oh well.
(They continue to snog most enthusiatically. Hey, guys?)
Xena: (not breaking her hold on Gabrielle) What?
(Um, I don’t think that’s quite appropriate. This is supposed to be a kid’s movie)
Xena: Oh, no one really cares after all. They’re just waiting for the fight scenes, so they see what they want to.
Gabrielle: And I bet some grrl-grrl action would make it a surefire blockbuster. Besides, George Lucas is a stone butch dyke.
(Ah, be that as it may, you can’t really do that onscreen)
Xena: Rats. C’mon, Padawan (starts to drag a giggling Gabrielle offscreen by the hand)
(Hold it guys. Wait til after the movie, Ok?)
Gabrielle: Damn. Okiday.
**********************
(Darth Callisto has Xena cornered in the place where Qui died...you know, that pink barrier-thing? Anywho...)
Callisto: (deadly tone of voice) Tell me what you want, what you really really want.
Xena: (equally deadly tone of voice) I really really really wanna zig-zag-HA!
(As she speaks, she zwings the lightsaber around in a Z-for-Zorro motion, giving Callisto the perfect opportunity to strike. She leans in and...)
Callisto: Tickle tickle!
Xena: Hee hee! Stop that! No, not the belly (sheds tears of helpless laughter)
(While tickling Xena, Callisto takes the opportunity to raise her lightsaber and bury it into Xena’s flesh. Gabrielle gives an outraged scream)
Gabrielle: Nooooo!!!
Xena: You stabbed me!
(As Xena lays dying, Gabrielle prepares to--)
Xena: You stabbed me right in the shoulder! Oh, how could you! This is just--
(As Xena takes her final breaths, Gabrielle moves to--)
Xena: You stabbed me again! Right in the ribs! How could you-->
(SILENCE)
(Thank you, Callisto)
Callisto: Anytime.
(Gabrielle rises from the fallen body and rushes towards Callisto, lightsaber in hand. Callisto easily disarms the Padawan and knocks her toward the precipice. As Gabrielle clings to the side of the wall, Callisto taunts her with a few well-timed swings of her lightsaber. Drawing on her inner strength, Gabrielle leaps to her feet, and turns to successfully disembowel the villainess)
Callisto: That’ll leave a mark.
(The broken halves of her body fall down the hole, bouncing on the way down)
(Gabrielle rushes to her fallen Master, tripping on cable wires along the way, and lowers onto her knees, silently weeping at the side of the body. Xena’s eyes slowly open, and she signals Gabrielle to lean in closer, so she may utter her feeble last words)
Xena: Trust...no...one. (dies)
(Suddenly a hole opens up at the ceiling. A small gelatinous mass falls through the opening, plopping inside of Gabrielle’s Wonderbra)
Gabrielle: Hey, cool! Ambrosia!
(Gabrielle places the wiggly orange substance inside Xena’s mouth with her own lips. Hey! Wait a second!)
Gabrielle: Well, that was how it was originally aired.
(True, but...)
(The ambrosia hits its mark, and Xena’s eyelashes flutter open. Gabrielle breaks into a smile of pure happiness. All is well again)
Qui-Gon: Hey, how come they didn’t do that for me?
(I dunno. Dying is old hat for Xena. Besides, she’s got a whole series to carry. I don’t see you in a weekly syndicate)
Qui-Gon: Hey! I have an Oscar!
Xena: Show-off.
Copyright, yadda yadda, you know the drill: All characters--Xena, Star Wars, and X-Files references--belong to their respective owners, the Holy Triumverate of Rob Tapert, George Lucas and Chris Carter. I just give them fresh air, sunshine, and sniper rifles. :)