1) Pick cat up and cradle in the crook of
your left arm, as if
holding a baby. Position right
forefinger and thumb on either
side of the cat's mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks
while holding
pill in right hand. As cats opens
mouth, pop pill
in cat's mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from
behind sofa. Cradle
cat in left arm and
repeat process....
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat
in left
arm
holding rear paws tightly with left
hand.
Force jaws
open
with right forefinger. Hold mouth
shut to count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and
cat from top of
hutch. Call spouse in
from the garden.....
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly
between your knees.
Hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls
emitted from cat.
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand
while forcing
wooden ruler into cat's mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub
cat's throat
vigorously......................
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get
another pill.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered Doulton figurines from hearth and
set to one side
for gluing
later.......................
8) Wrap cat in a large towel an get spouse to
lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit. Put pill
in end of
drinking straw, force cat's mouth open, and
blow pill
down drinking straw into cat's
mouth......
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful
to humans
and drink glass of water to take the taste
away. Apply Bandaid
to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold
water and
soap.............................
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get
another pill. Place
cat in cupboard and close door onto cat's
neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down
with an elastic
band.........................................
...
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put
cupboard door back
on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and
check records for
date of last tetanus
shot.........................................
.....
12) Ring fire department to retrieve cat from
tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into
fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from
foil wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with
garden twine
and
bind tightly to leg of dining table.
Find
heavy-duty pruning
gloves from shed, and
force cat's mouth open with small
spanner. Push pill into cat's mouth followed
by a large
piece of fillet steak.
Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint
of
water down cat's
throat........................
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room. Sit quietly
while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes pill
remnants from right eye.
Call furniture shop on
way home to order a new dining
table..................
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring
local pet store
to see if they have any
hamsters........................
thanks Virg!
