Forever More
Part 3 - . . . And The Greatest Is Love
Chapter Thirty Four
Scott had no idea where he was going. He just drove.
It was a little passed six-thirty in the evening when he pulled the car to a stop. Where he was, what he was looking at, was the channel to the St. Joseph river that connects with Lake Michigan.
He had parked there many times before. It was a favorite spot to come and watch the boats come and go in the harbor. Even after he and Becky were married and moved away they liked to bring their children back down here in the summer to go swimming on the adjoining beach near the pier.
But today was cold. It was the first week of February. Ice caps still swept up like giant frozen waves along the lakeshore line. No boats were passing by now as he got out of the car and walked out near the railing overlooking the water. The wind smacked at his cheeks like and icy claw. He pulled up the collar of his leather jacket to shield his neck from its attack. The river looked so black and cold. He wondered how deep it was. He knew the undertow was bad along the channel. He wondered also what it really was like to drown. Someone had once said that it was like going into a deep sleep.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful to go to sleep and never wake up again? Those words didn’t even sound odd to him. He stood there as the cold wind whipped his face and the mist from the water stung his cheeks.
He wasn’t sure why he was there. Maybe it was the water, the river in particular seemed to have a calming affect on him. For whatever reason he had been drawn there, that he knew.
Now what? He had no place to go. He didn’t want to see anyone. He just needed to be alone. Scott got back in his car and headed up the steep hill behind him that jutted up from the road that ran along the channel. There was a hotel just up the road. He parked and went in and paid for a room. He took it for two days. He didn’t know why.
He never even went to the room. Hunger started to cause his stomach to ache. He hadn’t eaten anything since the morning before. Getting back in the car he headed into the downtown area that he new rather well. Stopping at a fast food place and ordering a meal to go and then driving passed a drug store, he stopped and grabbed a six-pack of beer. Then he remembered that in his haste he had not even taken anything from the bathroom. He went through the aisles grabbing anything that he deemed necessary.
He had one beer gone before he parked back at the hotel. He flopped onto the bed and switched on the television while he ate the hamburger and fries that were already cold, but they tasted good. Lying there he finished off four more cans before he finally hit the remote and darkened the room.
The beer seemed to do exactly what he had hoped it would, cause him to not think that clearly. All he wanted to do right then was go to sleep and forget the whole day, his whole life.
Waking up the next morning he realized that he did not have any of his medications with him. Not only was his hand aching but it had swollen. He went down and bought some aspirins from the vending machine in the hallway and grabbed a bucket of ice that he plunged his hand into once back in the room.
Opening the blinds he saw the lake as it reached out for miles below him. To the left was the bluff that extended above the lake with its large trees, sidewalks and park benches. It was there that he had first met Becky. That day only seemed like a dream right then. He tried to remember how she looked that day, but all he could see was the anger in her eyes as she spit at him.
He took off again in the car. First back to the drug store for a stronger dose of aspirin and this time a bottle of whiskey. He bought an ice pack too. Then he started to drive again. Before he knew it he was back on the road that led to his farm.
Just driving along the winding hilly trail brought back so many memories. He pulled the car to a stop at the end of his old driveway. It didn’t look much different from the road. He turned the car and made his way up the long tree covered drive. The trees seemed so much larger now. As he turned the last bend the house and barn came into view. He stopped the car before he actually pulled into the yard.
Sitting there he tried to remember everything. He need but only see something that would cause a memory to flash back, some good, some bad, but he was so confused right now he wasn’t even sure which were the good ones.
Backing around he pulled back onto the road and left his former life behind him again. He continued along until he turned onto a road that he had taken many times. It led past Rebecca’s farm. How many times had he traveled that road? How many times had he made his way back home in the dark after making love to her? As her old place came into view he felt a chilling at the base of his neck.
What had happened to them? Now as he drove passed, all he could think of was how much they had gone wrong. He was hoping that just seeing this place would stir some sort of emotion back in him. But there was nothing. Nothing left to feel. No hurt, no anger, no rage.
He remembered what he had heard once. The opposite of love was not hate, it was apathy. Had he reached that point? Now as he drove back to the hotel he felt nothing. He frankly had no concern for her at all.
"She can go to hell." he mumbled as he threw the bottle of whiskey onto the bed.
He took three more aspirins, put the ice pack on his hand and drank himself numb.
Pulling herself to her feet Rebecca was only vaguely aware of the sound of the car as it skidded around the corner of the driveway. The sharp pain in her shoulder told her that she should go into the bathroom and find its cause.
It was there that Sarah found her mother as she reached around to hold a wet cloth to the blood that tickled slowly down onto her back. She had caught the corner of the night stand with her upper right shoulder as she fell. Though not that bad the very sight of the blood sent Sarah into panic as she remembered the look in her father’s eyes as he pushed her mother away from him.
Rebecca pulled her close and tried to get her to stop crying. Treage had never left his mother’s side and Rebecca wrapped another arm around him. She was somehow able to find words to comfort her children but none could be found for herself.
Scott was gone. She had not only caused him to lash out in anger at her by her despicable and insulting action but had demanded that he leave. She had gotten what she deserved, feeling that nothing he could have said to her warranted her behavior. If he had hurt her she had asked for it.
Rebecca lay quietly in her bed as her children slept beside her not wanting to be alone that night. She glanced up at the lighted dial of the clock beside the bed when she heard Ethan’s car pull up the drive. She had already gone over in her mind what she might tell him.
Ethan knew that his parents had not been getting on the best these last few weeks and he had noticed the big change in his father’s behavior. He was aware that the accident had taken its toll on him emotionally. His father was usually sitting up in the living room watching the end of the news when he came in the back door after work but he wasn’t there. His car was gone also, That was odd. He hadn’t remembered hearing that he would be going anywhere.
Ethan stuck his head in the bedroom, noticing that both his brother and sister were asleep he whispered to his mother, "Where’s dad? I see his car is gone."
Motioning for him to go back down stairs Rebecca painfully swung around to get up. Whatever she did she could not let Ethan know about her back. She met her son in the living room where he could tell immediately that something very much was wrong. He stood mute as she relinquished some details of an argument and his father’s leaving. This time he had packed a bag. They have had fights before, he thought to himself but as he listened to his mother speak, oddly detached, he sensed that somehow this was different. There were no tears.
It was already Thursday morning and two days since his father had left. Ethan could hear Treage in their downstairs bathroom as he got ready for school.
Though Ethan slept later he got up to use the bathroom. He usually had little contact with his younger siblings because they would leave for school before he got up and they where in bed when he got home at night. This was the first time he had talked to his little brother since the last weekend.
Treage was brushing his teeth and trying to talk to him at the same time. Still groggy Ethan caught a fragment of what he said about his parents. His mind snapped to as he heard Treage tell about his daddy leaving after he hurt mommy when he hit her.
Bending down he took Treage by the shoulders having him repeat what he had just hoped he didn’t hear. Then taking off he was in the kitchen confronting his mother in a rage.
"Treage just told me he hit you!" Ethan yelled at his mother as she looked away trying not to let him see that he had upset her attempt to cover up the incident. "Why didn’t you tell me that?" He demanded.
"He didn’t hit me," Rebecca said in a low tone. It was true she thought. He had only pushed her.
"That’s not what Treage says!" Anger still in his voice . "He says that he hurt you!"
"I’m OK. I just fell."
Ethan wasn’t about to hear this anymore. He couldn’t believe that she was sticking up for Scott. He turned and flew up the stairs to his sister’s room. He knew that he could get the truth from her. Rebecca ran after him.
Before his mother could even stop him he had Sarah cornered for an explanation. The frightened girl looked passed him to her mother as she related the incident as she saw it. As far as she was concerned he had hit their mother too.
Ethan took off back into his bedroom. His mother still trying to deny the whole occurrence. Still enraged there was nothing he could do now. His father was gone and that was good.
Later that evening the phone rang as Treage raced to answer it. It was his uncle Jon.
"Hey pal," Jon said into the phone recognizing Treage’s childlike tone, "Is your dad there? Can I talk to him?"
In almost a matter of fact voice Treage answered, "My daddy’s not here. He left us."
"What?" Jon had a slight chuckle in his voice as he tried to figure out what the boy was talking about.
"He’s not here." Treage restated.
Jon, now worried as thoughts crept into his mind told Treage to go get his mother. As Rebecca unwillingly took the phone into her hand Jon asked her what was going on.
"We had a fight. He just left. You haven’t heard from him?" Rebecca was almost certain that Scott would have called him. When he said that he had not she became even more aware of the seriousness of the situation. Jon was too.
As he listened Rebecca told him how they had gotten into a big fight and how he had pushed her and then left. That was two days before and she had not heard one word from him since. She was very worried and now as she stood talking with him the tears started coming and Jon finally put Paula on the phone to console her friend.
Jon was very worried. It was one thing to have a fight with your wife, very much another to leave for two days and not return. This was not at all like the Scott that he knew. His worry was short lived as only a few hours later Scott called him from the hotel.
Ethan had been home from work that Thursday evening for about an hour. His mother was asleep in her room with his brother and sister again, a sight that he was accustomed to seeing when his father was away. He was just about ready to get to sleep as the clock revealed about two a.m.
He had considered going upstairs and retrieving Treage to throw him in bed with him. Since he had moved back home he had been awaken many a night by the familiar feel of his little brother crawling in under the covers with him.
They had always had that problem with that kid. Was he ever gonna grow up enough where he didn’t come seeking out his parent’s or older brother’s in the middle of the night?
But somehow Ethan never really minded, and as he thought over the incidents of the last few days he actually felt sorry for the little guy who obviously had just lost his father. A father, who despite Ethan’s own hatred and disdain for at that very moment, was a father nonetheless.
Just about that time the phone rang. When he heard his father’s voice on the other end he became livid.
"What the hell do you want?" he demanded.
"I really don’t want to get into this with you," Scott flatly said into the phone. "Go get your mother for me."
Ethan could feel the hair on the back of his neck crawl.
"Like hell I will! You got anything to say you better say it to me!"
Scott expected this reaction from his oldest son but the hate he was hearing still managed to cut deep in his gut. He tried to say something but Ethan cut him off.
"As far as I’m concerned you left. And I swear, you ever fuckin’ lay another hand on her I’ll kill you!" The words seemed almost foreign as they flew out of his mouth, but he had spoken his peace. With that he slammed down the receiver. Still swearing to himself he did the same to his bedroom door and felt almost good about what he had just done.
About two o’clock the following afternoon Rebecca was seated in the living room. She had less than an hour before she had to leave to pick up her two youngest from school. Ethan had just left for work but had not spoken very much to her all morning.
She had been going through the motions the last few days, trying to keep up appearances to the few neighbors that had stopped by and also for the children. She had only that morning told Sarah that as soon as her daddy had time to calm down he wouldn’t be mad anymore and come back home, but something inside sickened as she felt in her heart that she was lying to protect her daughter.
She had not heard from her husband for three days. Jon had not heard from him when he called the previous evening. She dared not call anyone else not wanting to let on that there was a problem.
As she sat she heard the sound of a car as it pulled near the garage. The dog did not bark. She had just stood up to see who it might be when the back door opened and Scott walked into the kitchen. She met him half way.
It was not the homecoming she had expected, had she expected anything. He glanced at her as she came into the kitchen but then looked away, laid his car keys on the table and nervously rifled through some mail that was near by. He never spoke. Rebecca felt her body tremble as she watched him.
He finally looked up at her again. His eyes were distant. They lacked even the slightest hint of feeling. As he walked passed her into the living room he drew in a breath but uttered without emotion, "Come in and sit down. We need to talk."
Rebecca felt the sofa beneath her as she cautiously bent down. He remained standing. She tried to read his face but there was nothing there. Finally he spoke again.
"I’m gonna go out to Jon’s for awhile. I think maybe that’s best"
Rebecca listened to hear some sort of sadness in his voice. There didn’t seem to be any. She started to stand. What she wanted to say was that she didn’t want him to go but if he felt that he needed to get away for awhile then that was going to be alright. Maybe he did need to get away, to think things through. What she heard next made her body weaken.
"I’ve already talked to Jon. I’m gonna stay there awhile and then I’m gonna look for a place of my own.’
Rebecca felt her body slump back onto the sofa. She had heard him right. He was leaving, not for a few days but for good and what she saw on his face only told her that he had already made up his mind and nothing that she could say at that moment would change it. The time for crying or pleading or whatever it was that she might have done before was gone. Had he shown any twinge of remorse she might have jumped on that as a sign that he still had feelings for her. There was nothing.
"Why are you doing this?" she finally was able to whisper as she was determined to hold back the tears that were now burning beneath her lashes.
Finally she heard his voice waver, "I just think this is better right now."
Rebecca searched her mind for the words to bring him back to her. He would not even look at her now.
After a moments more silence he told her that he was going to go pick the children up from school and tell them himself. Then he would pack up a few things and be gone. She sat there unable to speak, unable to utter any type of anguish. Part of her wanted to lash out at him but she knew it would do no good. She felt she might be ill and ran into the bathroom upstairs. Scott never made a move toward her. Instead he went back out the door and drove off to the school to pick up his children and break the news to them.
Rebecca was lying on their bed when she heard the back door open. She could hear Sarah sobbing as she went into her bedroom and shut the door. Getting up, Rebecca went in to comfort her daughter again as Sarah cried trying to understand why her daddy wanted to go away.
Scott had gone up into their bedroom and pulled down two large suitcases from the closet. Treage sat on the bed and watched his father fill them all the while oblivious to the realization of what his father was doing. He had sat there many times before as his father packed for trips. This was nothing new. Even in the car when Scott told them that he was leaving Treage did not understand and wondered why Sarah was crying.
Scott knew that his son was not comprehending the situation and decided that maybe it was for the better. He had already completely destroyed his daughter, the one thing that had thus far had been the hardest to do. As uncontrollable sobbing had overtaken her he had found it very hard not to take her in his arms and tell her that everything would be all right, but he knew it wouldn’t and he loved her too much to lie to her. She might not understand what was going on but she certainly deserved to be told the truth.
He was moving out, for how long or forever he did not know. All he knew was that right now he and her mother had to distance themselves. He tried to get her to understand how much he still loved her and that his leaving had nothing at all to do with her, but as she cried the words that came forth were hurt and the feeling that he was abandoning her. Those tore at his soul. Still he had to leave.
