Toms And Queens
In the mission of the Jellicles, Bustopher Jones sat in a chair in a row and Cassandra paced around.
"It is my fault you know. It’s not the mission, it’s me." She whined. "I can’t do the right thing I’m a failure." She walked towards the desk, and sat down. "I’d be doing the right thing if I resigned and went home to Boston." She opened a book.
"Cassie, should you be able to bend a solid gold watch?" Bustopher asked.
"Of course not." Cassandra replied harshly.
"That’s what I thought." He stood up, listened to the watch, then tossed it to the ground. "Why do you want to go home? Because there aren’t any sinners in Boston?"
"Well what have I done here? After months of hard work with these gamblers, and after more months an empty mission!"
"Cassie I’m ashamed of you, just because the riff-raff of Heavyside didn’t break down that door the moment he heard you were in charge," Tugger walked up to the door, unnoticed. "These aren’t small town delinquents who drink to much on Saturday night. You’re up against the pollilces first hand troupes. A whole army of his disciples!" Tugger chose that moment to knock on the door.
"Do you take sinners here?" He asked humbly, putting his hat over his heart. Bustopher Jones stood up and walked over.
"At any time of the day or night son, come on in. Would you like coffee, or a doughnut?"
"Just coffee thanks, I’m not here because I am hungry. Not for food that is."
"I’m Bustopher Jones," Bustopher said as he handed Tugger his coffee, and sat down. Tugger sat down next to him. "The lady at the desk is Sergeant Cassandra Brown. To you we’re brother Jones and Sister Cassandra."
"How do you do, brother?" Cassandra asked.
"Brother Tugger."
"Tugger is that your name?"
"Tugger Masterston, yes ma’am." Tugger replied coolly.
"Well, what is it that troubles you Mr. Masterston?"
"Brother Tugger," Tugger interrupted.
"uh, Brother Tugger. I take it you are not in need of money?"
"I’m healthy at the moment but that could change. Are only the un-happy poor welcome here?" Tugger questioned, looking from Cassandra to Bustopher.
"Well, what is it you are un-happy about?"
"Gambling.." Tugger said, clearing his throat.
"Well.. ap- apparently you are a successful gambler." Cassie pointed out.
"Is it wrong to gamble or only to loose? I better come back when I’m broke." Tugger said, standing up.
"No! No don’t get me wrong its just.. just so unusual for a successful gambler to be un-happy about gambling." Cassie said, standing up, and getting a look into Tugger’s eyes, causing her to stutter.
"Anyway my un-happiness came up very suddenly, maybe it’ll go away." Tugger said, opening the door.
"No! We can keep you un-happy son, just give us a chance." Bustopher said, taking Tugger’s arm and closing the door. "Now, you don’t look like a gambler at heart. What made you take it up in the first place?"
Tugger fretted. He had Cassandra on his right, and Bustopher on his left.
"Evil companions. Evil companions always offering me sucker bets."
"Just what is a sucker bet?" Cassandra asked, backing up a little.
"A bet that is reserved for suckers. For a fellow to get pulled into one of these bets it is most humiliating. But to loose such a bet means that you are marked as a chump for a very long time. So a fellow must go all out to win such a bet."
"Is that so bad? To be marked as a chump?" Cassandra asked, giving Bustopher a look, clearly avoiding Tugger’s gaze.
"Well, with my people being marked as a chump is like loosing your citizen ship. A yolkle who’ll by anything with varnish on it." Tugger said.
"Like a solid gold watch for a dollar." Cassandra said, giving Bustopher a look. Tugger locked gazes with her.
"This is a real chump."
Bustopher cleared his throat. "Well, I’m going to rest up before we got back out today. Brother Tugger, you just stay with Sister Cassandra. She has all the answers."
"I hope so." Tugger said humbly.
"I know so." Bustopher said, walking over to Cassandra and buttoning a button on her vest. "If there’s anything that Sister Cassie can do, its solve other people’s problems." He gave Cassie a wink, and left, walking past a piano and into a small backroom.
"What’d he mean by that?" Tugger asked as Cassie walked behind the desk. "The way he said it, how you never fail in solving other peoples problems."
"Aren’t we switching places Mr. Masterson?"
"Brother Tugger."
"uh, Brother Tugger. Aren’t we sup-"
"Why do you have trouble calling me Brother Tugger?"
"BROTHER TUGGER," Cassandra said harshly as Tugger leaned over the desk. "Aren’t we supposed to be discussing your problems?"
"It just struck me that maybe non-gamblers also have sins."
"Mr., brother Tugger, if your really interested in giving up gambling, reading these pamphlets will help." Cassie said, becoming nervous and handing Tugger two red covered books.
"My daddy always said reading pamphlets never helped anybody.. Now, I had a more personal help in mind.." Tugger said, tossing down the books and leaning towards Cassie. Cassie stuttered, and fell into the chair.
"Well, we-w-w-we’re having a midnight meeting on Thursday…"
"Thursdays the day after tomorrow, whose going to help me between now and then?"
Cassie started to say something, and stuttered, standing up.
"W-w-w-ell our d-d-doors are always o-open. C-come in a-anytime." She walked to the door, just barely touching Tugger, and opened it.
"Sister Cassandra, I think you don’t believe I am a sinner."
"I am ready to believe that you are the biggest sinner I have ever seen in my life." Tugger put his paw a bit higher on the door then her paw, and slowly began to close it, pulling Cassie closer to him.
"But you don’t believe I want to quit, do you?"
Cassie opened her mouth to say something, then walked away, towards the coffee and doughnuts.
"All of the sudden you want a cup of coffee." Tugger remarked, picking up a board propped up on the table. "There is no peace under the wicked. Proverbs. This is wrong." He remarked, pointing to the board.
"Let’s say it’s a matter of opinion shall we." Cassie remarked, turning around, angry.
"I merely made a statement, it’s wrong." He said, waving the board in the air.
"How dare you! Even if this is not a church it is a mission!" Cassie shouted, storming over in his direction, furious. "How dare you blaspheme!"
"HOW dare you miss-quote the Bible! No peace under the wicked is not Proverbs it’s Isaiah."
"OF Course it’s Proverbs!"
"Isaiah." Cassandra, still furious walked behind the desk towards a large Bible, and flipped through the pages.
"Chapter twenty, verse 20 or 25." Tugger said, leaning over the desk. "Would you like to make a bet on it? Not money but a nice, sociable bet?"
He was too late, Cassandra looked up, bewildered, stubborn and strong. "Isaiah?"
He asked, coolly.
"Isaiah." Cassandra remarked quietly, embarrassed.
"Would you be willing to make a proposition?"
"No."
"I am in the position to supply you with the raw material you need. Namely sinners," Tugger started off.
"How?"
"That’s my business. Now, when’s this big meeting? Thursday day after tomorrow. I will guarantee to supply that meeting with one dozen, genuine gamblers."
"And what’s my end of the bargain?" Cassandra snapped sharply.
"To have dinner with me tomorrow night."
"Why would you want to have dinner with me."
"Because I’m hungry, here."
"What’s this?"
"My marker for one dozen sinners. If you don’t think it’s good ask anybody in town. I.O.U. one dozen sinners. Now, I’ll pick you up tomorrow at noon."
"At noon? To go to dinner?"
"We’re going to my favorite place, El Café Cubana, in Havana."
"Havana."
"Where else do you want to eat? Howard Johnson’s? Look, the plane gets us there in three hours, and back the same day."
"No." She said simply.
"Some place out there, there must be a guy who’d appeal to a sergeant. I wonder what that guy’ll be like?"
"He will not be a gambler."
"I’m not interested in what he won’t be, I wanna know what he will be."
"Don’t worry, I’ll know. I’ll know when my love comes along, I know I’ll know then and there, for, oh, he’ll be just what I need. Not some fly-by-night-Broadway-romance!"
"And you’ll know at a glance by the two pair of pants.." Tugger said sarcastically.
"I’ll know, by his calm steady voice, those feet on the ground! I’ll know, as I run to his arms, that at last I’ve come home safe and sound. And till then, I shall wait, and till then, I’ll be strong. For I’ll know when my love comes along."
"No, no, no!" Tugger said, standing up from his seat on the desk and walking to her. "You’re talking about love, you can’t dope it like that! What are you picking? A guy, or a horse?"
"I wouldn’t expect a gambler to understand."
"Would you like to know how a gambler feels about the big heartthrob?"
"No."
"Well I tell you, I’ll know, when my love comes along, I’ll know in my heart. I’ll know and I won’t ever ask, am I right, am I wrong? Am I smart? But I’ll stop," He turned slowly as Cassandra, intrigued by this change of character slowly walked towards him. "and I’ll stare, at that face, in the thong! For I’ll know when my love,"
"I’ll know, when my love," Cassandra finished.
"Comes, along." The said together. Then, without a warning, Tugger pulled Cassandra too him, and kissed her. He backed towards the door, and smiled as Cassandra looked at him with a dreamy gaze. She walked forward, and he held out his paws expectantly. She slapped him hard on the side of his face.
"Well, that makes it necessary to drop by again, in case you want to take a crack at the other cheek." He said angrily, then left.
Cassandra sat back down, furious. She noticed the writing on the paper, making sure no one was around, she changed it from Proverbs to Isaiah.
Munkustrap arrived at the HotBox early, to make a phone call, a call to Ademetus Biltmore. He then sat down at Hyper’s vanity, tossing a boa around his neck, and swinging in, while looking at himself in the mirror, and singing one of Hyper’s songs.
"I love you, a bushel and a peck,"
"Hello Munkustrap!" Hyper cried as she entered the dressing room, holding a book. Munkustrap turned around.
"Hello there pie-face, what’s that you got there."
"A book."
"A book, you’re always reading books. You’re becoming a regular bookie!"
"Munkustrap darling, this is interesting." Hyper stopped, and sneezed. "The doctor gave it to me, I went to him about my cold."
"How is your cold?"
"Its much better. So he asked me how long I had had it, and I told him a long time." She stopped for another sneeze. "And so he said to read this book because it might be due to psychology."
"You haven’t got that have you!" Munkustrap said worriedly, -obviously not a very well educated tom.
"Munkustrap, this is the psychology that explains why certain queens to certain kinds of things!" -obviously not a very well educated queen either huh? She placed the book down, and picked up a box. "What do you think I got in this box?"
"Sally’s Wedding Shop," Munkustrap read the cover of the box. "I can not guess."
"It’s a wedding veil, I’ve had it for three years, I won’t show it to you because it’s bad luck." She gave a wicked grin. "Would you like to see it?"
"It is bad luck."
"So you see Munkustrap darling, I got the veil, all we need now is our license and our blood test."
"Our what?" Munkustrap said, turning away from reading a bit of Hyper’s book in surprise.
"Blood test, it’s a law."
"What a city, firs they close my crap game, then they open my veins!"
"Munkustrap, you’re not planning to run your catnip game again?"
"Hyper how could you think such a thing! Why do you think I gave up the catnip game? It’s because I love you, and I want us two to be the happiest married couple that there is in the world."
Munkustrap walked toward her.
"Has anyone here seen an earring?" Mimi, one of Hyper’s ‘farmeretts’ walked in.
"I don’t think so." Hyper replied, slightly agitated.
"You!" Mimi said, looking up, now on the other side of Munkustrap. "I’m all dated up with Tumblebrutus and he breaks it, on the count of your silly catnip game! Honestly Hyper, I pity you. Oh, here it is."
Mimi picked up her earring, flicked her tail in Munkustrap’s direction, and left Hyper’s dressing room. Hyper stood up, and turned to Munkustrap, who slowly fell to his knees.
"Hyper look at me, I’m on my knees!"
"Oh! Get up, it reminds me of your catnip game!" Hyper sneezed, and turned away.
"Look, you’re getting yourself upset- you and I are going to be all right- after all, we love each other, and we’re going to get married."
"I don’t believe you any more!" She sat down on a chair.
"You’ll feel better tomorrow; come on cheer up, honey-" He walked over to her and chucked her under the chin. "Let’s see that old smile-" Hyper gives no response. "That’s my girl. See you tomorrow."
Hyper sneezed and he rushed out. Hyper picked up her book, and opened to her book marked page with a loud sigh.
"It says here, ‘the average unmarried female, basically insecure, due to some long frustration may react, with psychosomatic symptoms. Difficult to endure, effecting the upper respiratory tract.’ In other words just from waiting around for that plain little band of gold, a person, can develop a cold. It says, ‘the female remaining single, just in the legal sense shows a neurotic tendency see note.’" She stops, pondered. "See note? Oooh! Note: chronic, organic syndromes. Toxic or hypertense. Involving the eye, the ear, the nose and throat! In other words just from worrying whether the wedding is on or off, a person can develop a cough. When they get on the train for Niagara and she can hear church bells chime. The compartment is air conditioned and the mood, sublime! Then they get off a Saratoga for the fourteenth time! A person can develop la grippe. Hm, la grippe. La post nasal drip. With the wheezes and the sneezes and a sinus that’s really a pip! From a lack of community property, and a feeling she’s getting to old! A person, can develop a bad! Bad! Cold!"
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