July3’05
FREE TO GROW
Ephesians 5:21-6:3
As we celebrate our nation’s birthday, I believe that it is prudent of us to consider the celebration of a birthday of a more personal kind: the birthday of the human person.
My wife goes through extra-ordinary measures to celebrate our family member’s birthdays- except her own. She plans out a party every year for each making sure that the food is their particular favorite. Family members and friends are invited. It is supposed to be their special day.
We celebrate our nation by, in a way, patting our selves on the back for how wonderful of a country we are. We also recognize the people of the past who have made our nation great and we might even thank God for the kind of country we live in- for better or worse.
When I consider the family- when I think of your family- I think of freedom. You can live in the most oppressive of governments and yet have a freedom in life that no one can take away from you. You can live in the most permissive of societies such as ours and experience a slavery of life you cannot escape.
Within each home, each family represents a place of opportunity for every member. But yet how often those opportunities are squandered by lack of common sense, lack of caring and even more so, lack of God’s Spirit.
I find it interesting that prior to our scripture text there seems to be an even more important aspect of family life: the Holy Spirit. In verse 18 we are told not to be drunk with wine but to be filled with the Holy Spirit. The result of the filling of the Holy Spirit is the joyful worship of God as well as the mutual submission of Christians to one another. The very next place that the Apostle addresses is the Christian home.
Being filled with the Spirit is a command to every husband and wife, to every father and mother, and to every child. This is not an option for Christian living.
And yet I encounter families time and again who want the peace that passes all understanding in their family life and yet will not allow the Holy Spirit to control their life. They want the Holy Spirit to control their other family members but they seem to think of themselves as exempt from such control.
And so I set as a goal to help us understand the unique role of every family member. What you do as a mom, dad, child, grandparent, aunt or uncle has a distinctiveness in the freedom any one has in their life.
How you live by what you say and do will impact others in your family. You may be that aunt or uncle that the wayward niece or the struggling nephew looks to some day for true freedom. You may be the one as a grandparent that the hurting grandchild calls for real freedom. And I can say confidently that you as a mom and dad are the ones who have the greatest impact in your child’s lifelong quest for satisfying freedom in life.
The home must be the place of freedom for a child to grow and be what God intends them to be. And the home must be the place of freedom for a wife and husband to grow in the grace of Jesus Christ.
Within the home the woman needs to know the reality of her own beauty to her husband. She needs to know that she is needed and cared for regardless of her inadequacies. I think that too often a husband is guilty of setting unrealistic standards for his wife. This kind of expectation is only self-serving and does not create an atmosphere of love.
Within the home the man needs to know the reality of his own strength for his wife. The husband is to be filling his wife with his strength. He needs to be her strong arm and protector. Too often, though, the wife undermines the husband’s role because she is unwilling to submit to his Biblical leadership.
Within the home the children need to know the reality of security from their parents. No child should ever live in such fear of mom or dad or both that they cannot function normally. It is vital that they are able to grow up in an atmosphere that recognizes their unique personalities and talents. So often parents have strived to squelch a child’s uniqueness into a cookie-cutter mold that squashes their personhood. Children need the freedom to make not only right choices but also to make wrong choices.
And so today, I want to declare to us the freedom to grow. You as a wife, you as a husband and you as a child must have the freedom to grow and be what God designed you to be. And it begins at home.
In an atmosphere of love, both husband and wife serve each other within their God given roles. The wife’s role is to submit to the leadership of her husband and the husband’s role is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. In an atmosphere of love, both parents and children serve each other within their God given roles.
So how do we do this?
It all begins with the Holy Spirit. Allowing the Holy Spirit to have control of our own life and the marriage.
In a marriage there must be a freedom in sexuality. Marital sex is supposed to be a holy communication between a husband and wife. The Old Testament spoke such words as “And Adam knew his wife Eve.” The word know was a connotation of intimate knowledge not a mere mating act.
A wife should never be demeaned or used for the mere pleasure of the man. A man should never be made to suffer due to the wife’s control. There must be a giving to each other in holy matrimonial love. The marriage bed must be kept pure from the lusts of the world and its influences.
The children should never be taught that sex is dirty and wrong. Sex is the most beautiful act God has given a married couple.
Furthermore, within the marriage there must be a submission between husband and wife.
The husband and wife are a team who work together. They feed off of each others strengths and build each other up in the faith. They are partners on a lifelong journey together. And in this journey the Christian couple will recognize the roles that they have.
The wife submits to her husband’s role as spiritual leader in the home. She recognizes his authority and the God-given role that the Holy Spirit fills. Just as the Christian lives by the leadership of Christ in their life so to the Christian woman lives her life by the leadership of her husband.
The husband submits to his wife by loving her just as Christ loved the Church. He does not live by his own preferences and whims. He is not a complaining dictator who must always be in control. He is not a control freak who must know and approve every detail. He is supposed to be like Christ: he leads by example, he has compassion as well as strength and he lays down his life.
So how can a husband and wife work together in submission to each other?
Admit your mistakes. No husband or wife has the job down perfect. You will err. You will blow it sometimes. But be man enough to admit you’re wrong. Be willing to apologize.
Acknowledge our short-comings. This is different from mistakes. Mistakes are mis-judgments. Short-comings are weaknesses that either be physical- I cannot pick up that car no matter how light it is, or spiritual- I have not arrived to that place of faith. In acknowledging our short-comings we also assume to work on these areas. To simply say that “I am weak in this area” is not enough. Work to improve your serve.
Affirm the other.
I find it interesting that this scripture was addressing believers who lived in a world quite different from ours. Did you know that they had no choice of whom they would marry? Their parents- and likely the fathers- brokered some kind of deal to marry off the daughters. In those days, a wife might be worth a couple of cows and donkey. The husband was quite likely ten to fifteen years older. There was no catching the gleam in her eye and asking her out for ice cream. Your parents chose your spouse.
And here comes along the Apostle Paul in a letter your church telling you that you the wife must submit to the one you did not choose and that you the husband must love the one you did not choose.
Tell your wife she is beautiful. If you can’t see that she is then you might have a problem. A man should be so in love with his wife that she is the only true beauty he sees. Tell your husband that he is the most handsome man you know.
So often couples will destroy each other with words that tear down rather than with words that build up. Instead of feeding off of each other’s weaknesses we should be feeding off each other’s strengths.
With all of the responsibility for a marriage what do you do when you throw in a couple of snotty-nosed kids? The million dollar question, right?
I hope not to make any of this sound easy because I know that it isn’t.
Children do have a responsibility to the home. Despite mom and dad’s mistakes and short-comings each member of the household is vital to the overall home. How this shapes out depends on the individual family. Your family expectations are going to be somewhat different from ours. The key is that everyone is working together to build the home. Everyone has their part.
It almost sounds like the home is a miniature version of the Church? I believe it is. Your home is your holy of holies. It is the place of communion for your family. This why conflict hurts the self image of anyone who is abused in the home.
For example, a person may be abused by an outsider or an intruder who is not of the family and the consequences are not nearly as severe if that same person were abused by someone within the family structure.
Conclusion
Within a family Christ should be the center. Everything our family does revolves around the character and image of Christ. As a husband-wife team, Naomi and I develop the nucleous of which our home is built. The same principle is to be at work in your home as well.
Let’s have the freedom to grow in our families and let’s see the character of Christ developed in every family member.