ABC's of Salvation
THE CONFLICT CYCLE
Learning to get along.
Isaiah 58:12; James 4:1-6a
Remember the last disagreement that you and your souse or you and your family had? Remember the tension that was created. Remember the difficulty for some of you to express your real feelings? Remember the frustration of not being understood or not getting your own way?
Today I want to discuss the issue of conflict in the marriage. I prefer to call it creative tension. Mostly because I believe that most conflict in marriages (and even churches) can and should be used as a means of learning and moving forward. Too often, whether in the marriage or the church, conflicts disintegrate into anger and volatile feelings.
And when this happens nobody wins.
1. THE BIRTH OF CONFLICT.
I like the right side of the bed. That is my place of choice when I retire at night. The problem I encounter is that I sleep with someone who likes the right side of the bed as well. If I happen to go to bed before she does I will immediately claim the right side. But guess what? I get booted over to the other side.
Now I share this tongue-in-cheek but the reality is that too many couples disagree about so many things. And what I have learned is that most of the conflicts no matter to a hill of beans. But they fight anyway over anything.
Every marriage encounters clashes of the wills. And let’s face the truth: a conflict is a battle of wills. What is important to understand is that if the conflict is not dealt with properly, it will eventually lead to war. There will be differences of opinions and differences in tastes and likes. What you want to do is come to places of acceptance of each other and each other’s views. And maybe even change a few of your own.
So what causes conflict?
a. One’s Attitudes and Actions. The issue is not what side of the bed I sleep on. That is not the cause of conflict. So what if I win? What have I won? My point is that attitudes and your actions that support your attitude are the real culprits to a disagreement. How many fights are simply over a fighting attitude? Someone with a chip on their shoulder?
b. Interference with One’s goals. You each have goals in life. But when your spouse or children interfere with these goals, a conflict looms. Consider the frustration of a couple whose whole future depends on a completed college education and then a child is born before they have graduated. Their goals are interfered with as they contemplate the challenge of their ambitions colliding with their convictions.
c. Injury to One’s being or well-being. Sometimes a person is injured due to another’s misbehavior. A snarly husband makes an off-handed comment, a wife dis-respects her husband, a parent is negatively critical of their child, a child gets drunk out of rebellion. Personal injuries make for volatile battlefields.
d. Offense to One’s Opinion. Differences of opinion will go on forever. I like my stiff Starbucks coffee. Naomi literally has them add hot water- to thin it down. She likes oldies radio, I like old Christian rock. She likes… on and on we could go. Sometimes we take offense too easily and without grace.
All this points to a greater problem. You will disagree. Maybe not as much as you used to. But when conflict is birthed we can one of two directions: we can seek common ground and work out the problem in a maturely Christian way or we can let it disintegrate into full-fledged war.
The brother of Jesus cuts to the heart of the matter. James peels back the layers of he’s right/she’s right; I’m right he’s wrong and all that goes into conflicts and shows you the real problem.
2. THE HEART OF CONFLICT.
For those of you in the midst of conflict right now in your marriage let me ask you this: if you got your way and won the disagreement would it really solve the problems of fighting in your marriage? It wouldn’t because these kinds of conflicts are an issue of the heart not the issue themselves.
A few things that I have learned about conflict.
a. Conflicts require two people. “[Battles and fights among you] come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members.” Just because you are right doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t wrong! You can fault your spouse for not being this or that, and fault your child for doing whatever they do that bugs you, but the requirement for war is two opposing forces.
b. Quarrelers are motivated to please themselves. Look at what James says: “You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain.” He is simply restating what Jesus said about the attitude of the heart. If you lust for another woman then you have committed adultery in your heart; if you hate someone then you have murdered them in your heart. He is really getting right to the core: the sinful nature.
The sinful nature calls for you to think only of yourself and how the material world can please you. Men, if you wish for your wife to look like that twenty year old model forget it. Even if she did, you would still have a lust problem. Ladies, if you wish that your husband would be as nice to you like so-and-so’s husband, forget it. He can’t be like that man. And even if he could, you would still have a coveting problem.
c. Quarrelers do not seek God’s way. How many have tried to take things into their own hands and made a worse mess of things? How many wives have tried to lose the weight to please their husband, spend money on nicer, sexier clothes and still fail to gain his approval? How many husbands have tried to earn more money, build a fancier house and get her a nicer car, only to still fight as though they had nothing?
It is because “You do not have because you do not ask.” And this highlights the heart of the problem. Rather than seeking God and his counsel, even good Christian people who love Jesus and give their alms to the poor, struggle in relationships. Money is not the issue and sexier lifestyles are the not the issue.
The problem is the human heart, deceptive and seeking its own way. The Lord warns n Jeremiah 17:9 that the human heart is deceptive in all its ways. It is also selfish and sinful and filled with pride. Conflicts occur when we want to have our own way the way we want it. And rather than pray through the issue, we choose to fight our way through the issue. And the issue simply fuels the real problem of the human heart.
So what happens? How can we learn and grow in conflict?
3. THE DYNAMIC OF CONFLICT.
Unmanaged conflict will always escalate the tension. Unless you learn to resolve issues in your own heart no one will be able to make you happy. Least of all your spouse.
Unless you learn how to disagree and unless you learn to lay aside your own selfishness you will be doomed to a life of conflict. And it won’t matter who the person is- you will fight with them.
And think about this: some fight out their desire to control and others fight out their desire to defend. If you are a controlling spouse who has to have everything your own way, you will destroy your marriage. Sure, there may never be a divorce- bully for you- but the marriage relationship for all practical purposes is dead. If you are a defending spouse who takes offense at everything, I suggest that you really pray that God will work in your heart and your spouse’s heart. If allowed, the bitterness towards your spouse will eat you up from the inside out.
Unmanaged conflict will result in breaches and rifts that are hard to bridge.
But if you want to short-circuit the problem then I suggest these steps:
a. Confess the heart problems. Confess your own selfish desires, your own selfish ambitions and goals, and your selfish attitude that thinks of your self and your feelings. Begin to focus not on the other person, but focus on Christ- the Author and Perfector of your faith.
b. Focus on the issue not the person.
There will be disagreements even in the best of marriages. What we always want to do is focus on the issue and the validity surrounding it. Sometimes my wife is right, sometimes my children are right and sometimes I’m right. If any one of us is right every time then we have a problem. No one is right about every thing all of the time. If you are, then you are a controller. No one is wrong all of the time. If you are then you have become a doormat.
We may disagree but the disagreement should never disintegrate into name calling and personality bashing. And it should never be spilled out into public.
c. Disagreement may still remain after the issue is discussed.
I think our Gettysburg vacation was one of my favorite. My children disagree vehemently. My wife was happy that we spent family time together. Even after a discussion and conclusion are reached, there may still be differences of opinion. That’s okay as long as the issue has been settled.
It’s like a church board meeting. A member may not agree with the direction a certain issue is going. He or she may voice this, and even vote against the item. But if it has passed, then the issue is settled. That member does not then go and undermine the process. That’s immaturity.
The same holds true for the family and the marriage. A husband may finally agree to drive his wife, mother-in-law and sister-in-law to a series of stores because “he’s a good driver in snow.” Just because he may not want to do this doesn’t require him to undermine the process by complaining or being argumentative the whole time. He drives with a smile on his face and takes a book or magazine to read. Or better yet, enjoys the shopping.
d. New Expectations and commitments must follow proper discussion.
After an agreement following a disagreement, new expectations and commitments are needed. The husband may agree that he will take the trash to the road and not get upset when his wife reminds him. The wife may agree that she will iron his shirts and not get upset if her husband reminds her. When we agree to do something to keep the peace then we do what we say or our word is not valid.
How often have marriages spiraled down-hill because one or both members make new commitments but then don’t follow through because they are too lazy to keep their word? Sadly, many do.
So we come back to the human heart. When you make a commitment to change your attitude you need God’s help. Remember, there are probably years of habit track to undo. This will take the help of the Holy Spirit.
4. OVERCOMING CONFLICT.
What will be the end result? Realizing that even with heart change, attitudes and deep-seated habits take time to replace. I suggest the following in order to truly overcome conflict.
a. Apply the blood of Christ to the problems you see. Work on your short-comings. If you know that your disorganized way of doing things causes tension, then change those ways. If you know that your critical attitude is hurting others, change your attitude. Do these things in the name and blood of Christ. Seek the Holy Spirit’s help to change. You cannot do it on your own.
b. Be patient with your spouse. If you see them really trying to be different encourage them. Pray together. Speak softly. A kind word turns away wrath.
c. See the Positive. Sometimes our biggest challenge is to take off those negative glasses and put on some sunshine glasses. How can you be positive? See your error; see other’s perspective; change behavior out of love.
d. Reject the Negative. The negative is when you refuse to see error; refuse to see other’s perspective; changing behavior out of tension.
Conclusion
At the very bottom of the whole issue is love. I really believe that true love conquers all problems we face. If you love Jesus as you claim then His love will fill your heart to such a degree that you will love not fight without provocation. When Jesus’ love fills your heart there will be a difference.
So many times I have hurt my wife because of my own selfish need to control and be right. So many times I have needed to seek the Lord.
There are a lot of things that I am not as a father and husband. But the real heart of the matter is this: Do I do what I do out of a heart of love for Jesus and my wife, children and church or out of a heart of love for my self? What controls your heart?