All these years we were led to believe in the mishmash of sci-fi lore, legend, myth and mythology that Godzilla movies were actually anti-nuclear "nukes make you puke" films depicting Mary Shelley's Frankenstein "I'm fucking with nature again" horrors that prove beyond a mushroom cloud or shadow of doubt in the nuclear shadow of death, that playing Prometheus pissed or splitting atoms are not side splitting slapstick comedy. Reptilians and amphibians in a chaotic amphitheater composing a compost pile of crazed mutants carved from the radioactive isotopes of filmed fallout from Godzilla to Gamera to Mothra! Godzilla even took on King Kong, the rock star of stop action photography in one wild Shinto temple destroying atomic adventure.
There is an entire alphabet soup of Japanese creatures large and larger with unpronounceable names that do not readily roll off the Western tongue... all complete with crazy subtitles...batteries not included! These mutants have one mission on their atomic agenda...to put Tokyo's head on the chopping block making it possible for Japan to once again activate the Rising Sun launching it headlong into battle against lizards, flying fire breathing turtles and flying monsters of every creed, color, race and religion, should reptiles and amphibians have a religion that they adhere to other than Toho Studio's Tao! Pow...Bang...Zoom...Tao!
I've conducted my own research in a laboratory underground beneath the surface of Okinawa shrouded in complete mystery and secrecy and came up with my own private Warren Report if not indeed my own private Idaho that I have code named, The Raymond Burr White Papers, and have determined after much consultation, mainly with myself and the other voices that share space in my cranium along with all the thorazine and librium and d-lysergic acid of the past that Godzilla, is not the real enemy Japan is fighting, but rather they are engaged in a subtle subterfuge of subterreanean depths by engaging proxy predators in heat seeking battle. BUt who you may ask, please ask, who is the real beast in question and roaming at large? Sure it's easy to blame a giant lizard who can't speak for himself, itself, and now...the secret can be told...the game is afoot! How's that for all you Arthur Conan Doyle fans...got to use the phrase although it doesn't fit at all!
I was not surprised to surmise that it is the heart of America itself, the Ugly American of Brando fame, that is actually under cinematic attack...and why not? America went atomic in a big way during the Big One named Two red balling down the autobahn developing the atomic bomb but also like Casey at bat, delivered them as a one-two knock out punch on the nearest non-Caucasian nation it could find.....ok, granted, they started it with Pearl Harbor, and learned early on, never take a samurai sword to a nuclear fight. Besides now they OWN Hawaiian real estate lock, stock and Pearl Handled Pearl Harbor barrel, along with every sushi bar on Hotel Street! In effect...Japan has gone to war once again with the stamina of a Samurai on cinematic steroids against the Atomic Kid...America.
Godzilla is a conundrum with out a condom, or at the very least an atomic haiku. Was the G'ster a Gman or Gwoman? We'll never know for sure as even Raymond Burr never peeked up it's atomic kilts...but the Raymond Burr White Papers have definite proof that Godzilla is neither, nor transsexual nor a lesbian, and Godzilla is not gay, happy maybe, and sad at times, yin yang. Godzilla has the good fortune to be able to fuck himself..or herself...itself so when someone says "Fuck you Godzilla" it does so with pleasure and gusto. I've tried myself but to no avail. I can fuck you, or fuck off or fuck this, but never once been able to master the art form of fucking myself, however with practice...who knows...
The problem however is one of procreation...there is only ONE Godzilla...no mate..even Frankensteins monster had Elsa Lancaster. Godzilla doesn't even have an alligator or crockodile to call it's own..but Godzilla has a son...yes, The Son of Godzilla, and in fact, Toho even has the Son of Godzilla appear in three motion pictures with dad/mom..The G'ster has come out of the closet and is a declared Hermaphrodite and can fuck itself faster than you can get a B-girl handjob in a Okinawan bar before you run out of money at the booth.
Godzilla is as popular today as ever in Japan. On a level of fame and interest as the Kardashians, who also are hermaphrodites, or at least should be and kept from breeding. But there is no Godzilla Walk of Fame as we have in Hollywood...no Godzilla Theme Parks//leapin' lizards Daddy Warbucks...imagine those rides Disney!!! The Atom Bomb Roller Coaster and a merry go round where you can mount your favorite flying monster like Rodan or Mothra to the sounds of Lou Reed singing "Vicious" Why, there isn't even a bricks and mortar Godzilla Museum ...so what about a Godzilla Museum? Nada. You'd think it would be worthy of inclusion in it's own Sci-Fi Smithsonian. In one Godzilla out of 26 it did attack New York. Not to destroy it, but only wanted to try out as a showgirl/boy, the lizard version of a mutant Ethel Merman on Broadway singing Japanese Haiku Showtunes and as she does...Ethel gets larger and larger...ladies and gentlemen...I give you Ethel Kong...watch as she gets locked in mortal comat at Times Square with Godzilla as Lola the atomic showgirl.
Now in the arena of dildos for the ladies or strap-ons for the gents, a whole line of Godzilla Sex Toys...move over Steely Dan it's time to rumble. Billed as the Eighth Wonder of the Genital World, and it won't be beauty wot kills the beast this time around. It could evne come complete with bad dialogue, but remember, there are 25 Godzilla sequels, and it is from Japan where earthquakes create a massive number of aftershocks so don't be surprised if the Revenge of Godzilla Dildo doesn't create it's own series of "tremors" down below far underground...who knows...it may even awaken a Godzillian appetite of it's own so long laying dormant in the loins while listening to Blue Oyster Cults version of "Godzilla"!!!
So beware the sounds of Godzilla on a rampage...if you hear it..just close your eyes, hide under the covers with your new Godzilla Dildo Peacemaker and now you can fuck yourself for as long as you like...or at least until the batteries loose their energizer bunny funny. It's an atomic orgasm that Raymond Burr would be proud of...yes there is a Raymond Burr Dildo as well, but it only penetrates in English...the Japanese penetration is more....nuclear and there is nothing like a vaginal mushroom cloud exploding with subtitles!!!