In 1539, the Fur Trapping Knights Templar of Planet Montreal, paid tribute to Canada by sending them a golden beaver encrusted from tooth to tail with the rarest jewels, but, fur hunting pirates seized the bateau, and this priceless Canuck token was taken. The fascinating fate of the Maltese Beaver remains a Canadian mystery to this day."
These are the words that scroll down the silver screen immediately after the credits in this cinematic Canuck masterpiece setting the film noir stage for Canada's pulp fiction tale of intrigue, mystery, murder and double crossing, The Maltese Beaver, starring two of Canada's unknown stars with a music score by some obscure unknown Canadian band. Our story begins where it always begins in the annals of pulp fiction...It was a cold and stormy night....yeah, standard pulp opening salvo, even in Canada, eh? The fog was as thick and heavy as steel reinforced nylons on an overweight trollop from the bordellos of British Columbia where even Inuits do it for a snowcone and a hand full of loonies. As the fog got thicker, I could see her shadow in the hallway closing in on the door of my detective agency in down and out downtown Toronto. I was behind in the rent and utilities, and my secretary, the lovely Nova Scotia wasn't faring much better as she hadn't received a check either for weeks and she was a Czech, a real one from Czechloslovakia and former shotput champ of the Eastern Bloc, so you know what they say...never bounce a check on a Czech. Thankfully she had a crush on me and nothing better to do with her time or I'd have to answer my own phone. As the shadowy figure loomed large and began to take shape at the door, I heard the door open gently, quietly, as only a Canadian will do. Even when the Provincial Police are serving a warrant, they knock first, gently, and apologize if they are interrupting anything like the curling champion finals on the telly or perhaps two Canadians engaged in a sex act that does not involve a third party or either party dressed as a mountie or a moose in heat.
As the knob turned and she entered, I noticed that she too had quite a set of knobs on her and gams! Damn those gams...they stretched from Halifax to Vancouver and I was ready to ride her tube all the way from one end to the other. I also noticed, she wasn't the usual bleached blonde that walks into a cheap detectives office, in fact she was an Eskimo...and a quite attractiv one at that, probably from the Northwest Territories where you cant really gauge a body shape due to the fact of the all the fur they wear...ever see an Eskimo Pinup Girl? Well beneath all that layering when stripped away along with pretense you'll find some awesome flesh with some monster beaver and beaver tails...I digress...and diverge...but I am diverse..
I could see she was a hot package, dynamite in fact and could smell trouble, or was it all the fish she had been eating. Not sure then, but it attracted me like a shark to human happy meal. She dropped her coat to the floor seductively, I sat there immobile, she pulled out a cigarette, fancy French brand from Quebec or the nearby reservation where they're sold at discount prices.
She walked seductively to my desk to take a seat, and what a fine Innuit seat it was. I could go seal hunting in her warm inviting igloo everyday if she invited me. She said very calmly but with a slight accent I couldn't place, (when it comes to the Bering Straits, accents have no bearing anway) "Got a match?" I wanted to flick her Bic where I sat so played with my lighter, which you shouldn't do in public but I did anyway until it flamed up and ignited...I leaned in closer to her and her intoxication aroma, her perfume, the fish probably, had me on my knees...my flame met her tobacco and the room was on fire..or at least the region south of my pants pockets and belt.
She introduced herself as Nananootaikok, but said she goes by the name Nookie. . the lights flickered in the office, bad wiring, and will have to get that fixed someday I told myself and made a note on a greasy page of an old notepad that had seen better days. It wasn't my pad anyway, it was a prescription pad I had lifted from my doctors desk the last time I was in her office for a full nude exam and to get a refill of my amphetamine.
Nookie relaxed, she inhaled, and then exhaled, inhale exhale, her chest heaving out forming massive canyons of cleavage you could mush your huskies in...then in her low sexy voice began her tale of intrigue and asked for my help in retrieving the fabled Maltese Beaver from a portly gent known as Too Fat Toronto and his henchman, Joel Ontario. I was hooked by this mesmerising nanook of the north and told her my expenses were 3 pounds of moose jerkey a day...she didn't bat an eye and pulled out the aforementioned 3 pounds from her purse and handed it to me as a down payment..I knew this was going to be trouble..she was beautiful, and smelled like tuna, pungent and intoxicating as a ladies roller derby locker room after a sweaty hour on the track. This sexy little Nookie was the kind of woman who could make a man an explorer and I wanted to be Henry Hudson and search her Northwest Territory for the fabled Northwest Passage.
I wanted to find this Maltese Beaver at all costs. I loved the thought of 3 pounds of jerky and Nookies tuna..so together we set off for Montreal, the last known location of the Maltese Beaver and the adventure that lay ahead for me and this exquisite Eskimo... banff new foundland.
Canadian-Viking Pulp Noir: The Viking Tampon of Ontario!
First there was the film Casablanca, now be prepared for Windsor...Ontario!!! Canada! Dangerous, sensual, sexy and very very Canadian...all at the same time. Foreign intrigue mixed in a syringe loaded with a wet dream dose of Canuck sex and suspense...rowdy rebels from French Quebec, hot bod hockey players with large sticks who only want to score a goal in your net and puck you all the way from maple leaf Montreal to the land of the Eskimo nymphomaniacs, where it is intuitive for an Innuit to do it...whether on an ice floe or in an igloo...bone and boner chilling sex in the hinterlands for the hind ends...
It's a Beaver Tale of Classic Canadian Pulp Noir fiction that includes one hell of a romance so incindiary that it's heat can melt the polar bears polar ice caps along with their sizable polar bear balls and freeze the hardons in the bordellos of Banff...ever been Banff'd before? It's a rustic whorehouse where a Banff blow job is mere pennies on the dollar...use US Currency and she'll go 'round the world' in less than 80 days, minutes, seconds....
Canada...founded by good Nordic Nookie stock...a superior race of warrior women who ventured forth from Scandinavia to Greenland and Iceland and ultimately to what they called Vinland..then the New Found Land confound it...later...Canada...the land of Nanook and Nordic Nookie. A land of Scandinavian Warrior Princesses with Viking vaginas as strong as steel traps....
Yes...Ontario...Everywhere in this teeming Canadian colony, foreign nationals fornicate furiously in fur hats and pubic pelts woven from gentle genitals of their captives. They are all racing against time to escape Ontario, Windsor primarily for other destinations. England, Australia, the United States, hell, Detroit is just across the river so why not there....anywhere, but in the George Orson Orwellian Canadian shadow. Canucks, Con artists, hookers from Halifax, and pickpockets make fantastic promises to eager foreign nationals who are in a hurry to leave fro safety. Money with colorful pictures of the Queen of England, and not much value, and moose hides are the currency of freedom, and the hustlers have a field day conning the hopefuls and taking their last Loonie with nothing in exchange leaving them with dashed hopes, useless pennies, and dashed dreams of escape.
In the cinematic masterpiece, "Ontario!" Hump-me Bogart and Beaver Bergman, star as Pierre Perrier, the expatriate saloon keeper, and Nova Scotia, his former lover who brought Pierre to his knees when they met in Toronto for a brief affair. Remember it was a BRIEF affair...and one American affair is worth three on the Canadian market due to relation and infatuation inflation. Sexy scenes involving Beaver calling out to her lover..."Hump me, Hump me" so he does. Hump-me and Beaver lit up the Canadian screen as no couple has done before except for the John Candy and Alex Trebeck scene in the all male remake of Last Tango in Ontario, and the cult classic Trebeck and Isabelle. (The role of Nova Scotia was supposed to be for Brigitte Bidet, but unfortunately she thought a public drinking fountain in downtown Vancouver WAS a bidet so proceeded to use it as one...she was arrested on the spot but she did get a standing ovarian ovation)
The film, even though it is a low budget low spark high heeled Canadian production made for the CBC is considered one of the top films of all time..at least in Winnepeg!. A Windsor-Detroit wartime drama set against the back drop of mysterious Windsor, Ontario, where it was said, "easy to enter, hard to leave, an how much is the American dollar worth over here?".
In one of the scenes in "Ontario" while sitting in Pierres Canada Cafe and Curling Cafe, Louie, Louie the Provincial Police Chief says to Nova Scotia who has just arrived in Ontario illegally from Sarnia, that "If I were a woman, I would be in love with Pierre! In fact why wait for the operation..I AM IN LOVE WITH PIERRE!" Beaver Bergman, as Nova Scotia on the other hand was the definitive essence of Canadian sensuality...whatever that is. Canadian style sex poured from deep inside her like a Yukon volcano erupting on the silver screen. Her fake Nordic accent complimented her understated beauty that was hard to escape. She was hot Nordic lava pouring down the mountainside devouring everything in it's path...including Saskatchewan.
The other stars include, Paul Henpecked as the brow beaten hero on the lam, Victor, Victoria (who also falls in love with both Pierre Perrier and Nova Scotia in one titallating tryst twist of cinematic fate.....exclaiming..."Mon Dieu, Me Too!). V2 as he is known in the Reykjavic undergrounds was a feedom fighter from occupied Amazon Iceland where the women are true blondes, (yep, try one, you'll see!) Why he would want to escape the thigh clutches of big buxom Viking babes is beyond me and any semblance of comprehension. Other cast members include the amazing Pedro Folklore Lorre as Mssr. Masserati, and the equally amazing Sydney Australia as Mssr. Ferrari. Masserati is a nefarious Newfoundland criminal who murdered two size 38 Double D Double Agent Amazon spy couriers for the sacred priceless Tampons of transit which meant freedom and escape to ...Detroit! He planned to auction them off but the heat is on so he gives them to Pierre to stash, which he does, by giving them to his piano player, a jazz bopping sexy female black hipster Samantha, with enough booty to fill a pirates treasure chest, not to mention her own ample Canuck cleavage to make a Mountie dismount his trusty steed and try to scale her Rocky Mountains. Samantha hides the tampons by inserting them in a safe place...any guesses? Where would you hide a priceless Tampon? Whenever Nova Scotia enters the cafe, Samantha tickles the ivories playing "Love to Love You Baby" in a perfect Donna Summer impersonation...orgasm for orgasm.
The intrigue intensifies as the transgendered police chief, Louie, Louie Peugot, portrayed by the incredible Ru Paul. He/She is the very visible Amazon knock off with knockers more about what is going on and has a tender spot for the eccentricities of Perrier. Just who the hell are Pierre and Nova and why have they held our fascination for all these years? Pierre came to Ontario to escape his own past, and to try to escape the memory of a love affair that left him crushed. Yeah, that was Nova Scotia! He was searching for a quieter life, and wouldn't you know it, war came knocking at the door! Pierre's would soon become the center of a highly political escape plan, a rekindled romance from the past that would ignite with the fury of a forest fire, and a Donna Summer song that would forever define love in it's many forms and dimensions.
The flaming torch of passion for Pierre and Nova was hot, hot blonde Iceland. The pounding of two hearts in love was soon overshadowed by the stomping of Amazon feet, rolling down the center of Reykjavik as the Icelandic forces surrendered to the highly mechanized Nordic war machine. Pierre and Nova parted company, she to join underground forces and bedding down with any Xena lookalike she could entice to obtain valuable information, he to escape the burning embers of love Nova had left smoldering in her wake. Enter now, Victor Victoria, underground leader who also happens to fall in love with Nova, and vice versa, although, she keeps a piece of Pierre inside her at all times as an emotional Tampon. There's that Tampon thing again.
Nova and V2 arrive in Windsor, a neutral zone of Ontario to obtain papers to escape to the suburbs of Detroit as the Amazon bloodhounds are hot on his trail. Arrest means certain death. They arrive in Windsor, unaware that the bar they are in, is owned by her former lover. Nova recognizes Samantha the piano player from the old days,, and asks her to play "that song" Samantha feigns ignorance on which song it is, but Nova "refreshes" the memory and Sam reluctantly launches into a medley including Love to Love You Baby and Kiss You All Over... as the notes permeate the saloon, the song reaches the ears of Pierre in the back room..he storms out to see Sam and says, "I thought I told you never to play that song?" It is then, Pierre notices Nova and Victor sitting at the table. Old embers spark into flame, and Nova is torn by the passion of love from the past the political passions that mix with the emotion of love that Victor has ignited. Makes for an awkward, yet interesting physiological ménage a trois, non? She says to Pierre with a smile..."Is that a puffin in your pocket or are you glad to see me?"
Later that night after visiting with the couple, and Louie, Louie, Perrier has one of those reflective Frank Sinatra 3 o'clock in the wee smalls moment with a drink and a cigarette...pained at seeing Ilsa again..."Of all the Canadian provinces in the world, why did she have to walk into mine?"
They have to escape, and Perrier has the letters of transit, well actually Samantha does in a well secluded spot in her vaginal vortex. He now holds the fate of the underground couple in his hands. Does he help the fugitive politico escape, taking along the love of his life? Or does he do nothing and keep them there so Victor can be taken out of the picture leaving Nova, alone, crushed and within striking distance of Perrier's heartstrings once again? Decisions, Decisions!
As the war moves on, it's time for Nova and Victor to move on as well, and make good their getaway from Ontario. They get the tampon of transit and make for the airport. Perrier has made the ultimate sacrifice by helping the love of his life by handing over the tampon, to make good her escape with her husband, leaving Perrier behind. Of course, Louie, Louie Peugot attempts to arrest them before they escape, but Perrier, forces Louie at gunpoint to help in the escape. Before they board the plane to Detroit and Perrier looks into of Nova's Grand Canyon eyes and says, it would not be right for her to stay, and in time would regret it. "Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life." Nova says..."We'll always have Iceland!"
One fo the Amazon guards who has caught wind of the escape attempt, arrives at the airport to thwart the plan. She however is the thwarted one, and in fact ends up as the dead one, as Perrier shoots and kills her . As the Amazon occupying police arrive on the scene of the shooting and escape, Louie Louie covers for Perrier, and tells him men "round up the usual suspects, you know, all the Americans."
As Perrier and Louie walk away into the fog at the airport, Louie suggests to Perrier that they too, leave Ontario, perhaps getting a sex change and going undercover in underwear to infiltrate the Amazon forces, or at any rate to infilitrate and penetrate an Amazon or two just for fun. Perrier looks at Louie and says, "Louie, Louie, oh we gotta go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, a louie louie this is the start of a beautiful Friendship...lets go find a lesbian and a tampon...the plan takes off...fog enshrounds...Oh Canada starts playing somewhere in the distance....and the film ends with a Disney Fantasia dreamscape of dancing tampons and pocket puffins!
The End - Roll Credits!