Skid Rows, Killer Klowns & Audrey Jr!
By Mike Marino

Popcorn and movies in the balcony...making out in the back seat at the drive-in? Forgettabout it...what you really need is a gargantuan humongous dose of cinematic "when cheese attacks" to counter attack and immunize yourself from all those atrociously bad Roger Corman scripts with more cinematic holes in them than JFK after a trip to downtown Dallas. What about the cornucopia of crappy George Romera pedestrian plots that make Ed Wood's Plan Nine look like Gone With the Wind. None of these scripts or plots make any sense except to show us that you can kill a zombie, and no matter how good you are..the black guy gets killed anyway in the end...end..roll credits. But hot damn..we shelled out the bucks for a ticket to ride the horror film merry go round and round and round where the funhouse was overflowing with body parts and severed heads and a coffin full of unintentional laughter.

The acting in these Monet's of mayhem on the silver screen were objectionally abysmal in most of these cheese-a-scope flicks where the acting was as stilted as a legless horseman with a wooden leg trying to run the Boston Marathon. Ok, I admit ...they do are worth salvaging....if for no other reason then they usually have large breasted Sophia Loren flesh to fondle type 50's and 60's women who were as stacked with breasts the size of a Kansas haystack or at the very least or most, as the case may be as the 50 Foot Woman and they wore ass hugging capri pants and could B-Scream it with best of them. B-scream screen queens from the planetoid Erectus ready to infect us and inject us with loud interjections to precede our ejaculations as we drooled over crazed vampire sex slaves and prayed to the tiki gods that the 50 foot woman would burst her bra in an explosion to unleash our hormonal fury in a raging perfect storm of carnal fascination on our part.

Yep..talking about all those classics that gave us talking eating plants from Skid Row to Killer Tomatoes and Killer Klowns. The silver screen exploded with Plan 9's and giant rabbits, giant spiders, giant ants, and Clowns, oh excuse me, Klowns as in Killer Klowns from Outer Space who with cotton candy and rather bizarre big tops open fire on an unsuspecting earth where in time Santa Claus is kidnapped by aliens and whisked away to the far corners of the solar system only to be saved by a pre-pubescent Pia Zadora in a training bra helping Santa Clause Conquer the Martians...one of the more bizarre films is "Jesse James Meets Frankensteins Daughter..for real and I own it...youtube it you'll be underwhelmed I assure you...Killer Tomatoes attack...Mars Attacks..the whole fucking celluloid world of freaks and geeks pull a sixshooter or George Romero Zombies and Roger Corman's Audrey Jr. ready to devour a sadistic dentist who gives pleasure to a young Jack Nicholson in Little Shop of Horrors..and yes there is a Rick Moranis version of years later, 80's I think...I own both and have to be in a particular mood for either one...both have merit...but the new one has MUSIC!!!