It's a vaginal history of self gratification that has culminated with an astounding array of orgasm and pleasure producing weaponery for women..sorry guys..your hand will have to do for now...or a gerbil if you lean forward in that erection direction. Masturbation is not new but the delightful dildo has certainly earned it's perch on the pleasure pedestal as the battery operated tech toy of choice for solo sexual symphonies of the hymen hit parade..giving the phrase Number One with a bullet new meaning. Gyrating G-Spots acting as gardens that merely need their soil tilled by a Master Gardener or in this case a Masterbater.
This litany of labia tweaking history had it's start as near as I can tell in ancient Egypt. Supposedly Egyptian women would put buzzing bees in a cyinindrical device and while the bee's were buzzing happily would insert it into their own personal pyramid of sexuality and let the buzzing take them to the throne of the gods while in the throes of ecstasy.
I think it may have actually started in the garden of eden when Adam..all alone at first started whacking off until Eve walked into his life...they made love but Eve discovered he wasn't that hot of a sex partner so diverted him with apples while she played with long, slinky snakes...the rest is history in the First Dildoic Period.
The Neanderthals killed mastadons and anything with a horn on it of good size...not because they needed food so bad but wanted to get laid and a large tusk given to the Neanderathal woman of their dreams would push her over the cave dwelling wall and would in time thank him in a sexual way but not after first discovering her own "fire" in the mean time...cave man pulled on his own Cro-magnon to get his Jurassic Rocks Off!
During the Victorian age "female hysteria" was treated by doctors applaying "pelvic massage" ok...masturbation techniques...once orgasm was achieved...the patient was cured..but..now hooked on vulvar stimulation..and if I were a woman I would be too.The doctors felt it had nothing to do with sex and was time consuming so gave up the treatment in time...the female patient however...had other ideas in mind for below the navel excitement and entertainment.
Those madcap French invented the first vibrator in the early 1700's followed by a steam powered puppy invented by an American after the Civil War and one delicious device was designed as an aid to eating disorders at the turn of the 20th Century. It's hard to think of food while wiggling and giggling eh? Around the same time Hamilton Beach patented the first electric vibrator for consumer sale on the retail level..so the next time you fire up your Hamilton Beach Blender on high next time make sure you don't break a sexual circuit. For your information..many great inventions were electrfied in the early years of the century...in order..the sewing machine, the fan, the tea kettle, the toaster and in fifth position the housewives companion...the vibrator. I think I would have marketed a line called "The Roaring Twenties" where it would be so powerful you could to the Charleston from a prone position!
The Sixties brought forth the cordless vibrator and was based on an early design for a flashlight designed in the 1930's. I guess that was in case you wanted to see what was in your personal cave...journey to the center of the sexual earth with your own bullet shaped space ship to go where no man has gone before...although he has wanted to but the average man does not have three speeds adjustable and he doesn't have a headlight on his head.
The virbrator is now an iconic part of mass media from Burrough's "Naked Lunch" and the Steely Dan to "Sex in the City" and damn it...just to shoe equal rights for men and women..there is now a National Masturbation Day in May in the United States. So what's next...celebrity faced dildos" Rocky and Bullwinkle Vibrators? Atomic Powered Vibrators to produce mega-tons of orgasms? Solar Powered ones to save the planet while producing it's own between the thighs rainforest? Who knows..but it is a brave new world indeed and we owe the ancient Egyptians who showed us that bees not only make honey..they make honey dripping sex a self gratification pleasure...so walk like an Egyptian...and turn your Sphinx into an orgy for one...oh..and dont' for the Masturbation Day Holiday Cards! Send one to one you love..yourself!!
THE TWO HEADED MEDUSA DILDO (Two Heads Are Better Than One!)
The history of the strap-on dildo, (the faux penis) exists historically as well as hysterically in the outer limits of the universe of the infinite sexual solar system of female masturbation. To extropolate on the strap-on origins of Dildoism, we have to journey backwards in time, to the first Era of Eros. In fact, the hymen history of dildo eroticism came to life in an age of delicious, delightful and the wonderfully wet and wild world of female pubic sexploration undertaken by the lacivious lesbian lusting for new vaginas to conquer sexually in her carnal quest of gratification and the pursuit of female pubicity. (Yeah, I made that word up...don't bother Funking and Wagnalling..it doesn't exist!)
Two of the more exciting aspects of dildo development were the concurrent creation of the dynamic duo of the strap-on dildo for that personal touch, and the double sided, two headed dildo that I refer to as the Medusa of Mutual Masturbation! Both types have been found by archeologists, and believed to have been widely used during the sexual gratification of female to female close encounters of the dildo kind. Many of these finds date back in ancient Chinese culture as far back as the Han Dynasty. In effect, these were the originally Han Jobs!
The strap-on dildo allowed one Chinese female to impersonate and yet not impregnate another female. The "male" female would cheerfully mount another Chinese female who would compliantly assume the concubine position submissively on hands and knees, or lying on her back with legs akimbo and her kimono askew, her porcelain legs spread wider then the Yangtze River as she waits for the cock to crow. The dildo would then penetrate her Great Wall of Vaginal China as easily as an eggroll being dipped in eggdrop soup as her hungry vagina would open wide on command allowing the bottom female to revel in her orgasmic revelry while penetration of the dildo revealed her delectible libidinous fortune cookie.
. We've all heard the tales of Medusa, the many headed mistress of mayhem, well there was an is a two headed dildo and onnce again it was those man eating Chinese vaginas and hungry hymens craving a good stuffing while sharing the experience with an equally hungry friend at the dildo buffet. This was the ultimate sexual dragrace to the orgasm finish line and the two headed dildo for simultaneous girl on girl bump and grind of groin to groin action would Confuse Confucius! The Chinese women would both face each other stark naked, legs up face to face on their backs, or on hands and knees delicate ass to delicate ass. After the initial ceremony of female foreplay, according to ancient drawings, then each would insert one end of the dildo deep inside their respective vaginas until each female had consumed half of it's length with their pubic region meeting in the middle and mingling their forests. They would then proceed to gyrate, pushing and pulling with the combined action creating a thrust that would create a mutal sexual frenzy..proving that two heads are indeed better then one! Mostly done in private, but on ocassion the women would be made to perform for the prevailing warlord and his guests as part of the entertainment for the assemble guests. After words the females would get to feel the real thing inside of them for dessert as the males guests whose pumps were primed chose one of them for human sexual consumption. Primarily though it was accepted lesbian practice in the culture that was quite common and quite voluntary.
When it comes to Greeks, we don't have to be completely anal about sexual things, although anality is part and parcel of the culture. The mighty strap-on, or what I call the Telly Savalas, was used as far back as the Third Century BC and were used by males for thier backdoor pleasures! There was a play written and performed about them. Imagine that performance while your waiting in the wings for your big debut on stage! Enter Center Stage! According to written records of the times the strap-ons wre made of stone or leather and used olive oil for lubrication. Of course Popeye the Sailorman used Olive Oil for lubrication as well. The term dildo itself was first mentioned as "dildo" in the 16th Century in Jolly Olde England...I guess it was shaped in honore of the Roundheads. Going further back...dildos have been found by archeologists in ancient Egypt. In the pre-historic era they have found "double batons" as they are called with a hole in the middle where a strap would be placed to afix it to the wearer. One Chinese painting unearthed from 19th Century shows a Chinese woman using a dildo attached to her shoe! If this were common practice, Dorothy Gale in the Wizard of Oz would be clicking her ruby reds at a furious pace and would be inserting the Tin Man inside of her in a heartbeat and with with each thrust and parry would let out a real Kansas haystack yell screaming at the top of her lungs...."There's no place like home, there's no place like home!" Oh gawd. stop..no...don't stop..meanwhile the Cowardly Lion and the Scarecrow would be anxiously awaiting their turn for a mad cap journey between her thighs along her yellow brick road to her Emerald City!
This now brings us face to face, among other positions, with the Holy Grail of Groin satisfaction, the Kama Sutra. If the Sutra is the Holy Grail, then it's author Vatsyana is the Sutra Sinatra of sexuality! Kama is Sanskrit for "sensual or sexual" take your choice and Sutra is thier word for thread or "that thing that holds things together" - a sexual universe of planetary pleasures held in orbit and perfect harmony by the gravitational pull of genital gratification.There are over 100 positions described and was certainly the bible of choice for those of us growing up in the Sixities who wanted East to meet West in a common setting and on common ground which to us was to cultivate and plow her vaginal field with an overdose of Kama karma applied with a simple sutra. The Sutra is clit lit heavy with the mention of dildo's, or more commonly known in Hindi sex circles as "darshildo," the Darth Vader of strap-ons..."Luke, I am your dildo!" (Insert Star Wars theme music here after inserting Darth Vader into her and cue Chewbaca!"
The strap-on is not just for breakfast or masturbation anymore. Some females use if to simulate oral sex as well while masturbating using it as a rather large piece of sweet candy from the Good Ship Oral Lollipop! Then of course we have the Strap-on as the Great Femdom Equalizer. The Dominatrix lords it over her submissive male minions. These captured penis proletarian males now relinquish their own frontal appendage power and no longer stand erect as men. Now they must assume the submissive position on hands and knees, bottom up, to become all the femme he can be as a he/she can be! He is now thrown to the ground in his active role as the "female" in the sub/dom relationship and must accomodate his females hunger to dominate and ravage him at will in a pseudo reverse role rape relationship. In this instance the male victim lacks a vagina, but, still has a back door port in the sexual storm suitable for safe harbor, and therefore is subject to a strap-on dildo wielding Amazon with a lust for the penetration power of the strap-on penis. The Female Dominator fastens her strap-on with the care and dignity and pride of a gunfighter in the old west who wears pearl handled six-shooters for the big showdown on Main Street. For the Female it's the dildo version of the shoot-out at the OK Corral...for him it's High Noon! The Strap-On Dildo, the dildo that won the west...and the dual headed dildo...the dildo that did the rest!