The following is a newspaper clipping from a poorly known publication that might never have existed, let alone was ever read by anyone.

Tuesday December 23, 1997
Early this morning a stout old man in the capital city of Moscow, Russia heralded a demand focused at the Earth’s public. The man (who called himself Santa Claus) was quoted saying that the true spirit of the holidays had been forgotten and that he would not be delivering any presents to the good little boys and girls on the upcoming Thursday morning. He went further to request a conference with United States President Bill Clinton, Iraqi Dictator Sadaam Hussein, and Pope John Paul II at a local Subway restaurant in Bangkok, Indiana later this afternoon. He said that he wishes to discuss his demands with the world leaders and come to an agreement.

Wednesday December 24, 1997
The super secret diplomatic conference held in Bangkok, Indiana yesterday between Santa Claus and Bill Clinton, Sadaam Hussein, and Pope John Paul II was a supreme success, as now the figure in the red coat says that he will be delivering presents early tomorrow morning. According to a news conference held after the meeting between the four world leaders, Santa Claus reached an agreement with the rest of his company that they would explain to each of their countries the true meaning behind Christmas: the birth of the all-powerful, super god Zod.
This agreement was not met without tribulations, however, according to Chief of Really Boring Stuff, Janet Reno. The pope was said to have started an uproar when he was forced to accept the holiday as the celebration of the birth of Lord Zod instead of for what he believed it should be observed: the birth of the Egg McMuffin. Santa Claus reportedly had to subdue the roaring beast of a pope when he tried to strangle the jolly old elf. The pope should be out of the hospital within the next week.

Thursday December 25, 1997
Santa Claus’s customary Christmas night visit was not missed this morning when small children the world over woke up to find boxes of gifts under Christmas trees. One child was so exuberant at the receiving of one gift, a Tickle-Me Michael Jackson, that he was said to have danced around for the rest of the day singing: “Beat It!”. Santa Claus is reported to have changed his name to Satan Claws for diplomatic reasons. Nevertheless, Satan Claws remarked that he was pleased to see the holiday being celebrated for its true purpose and that Lord Zod has overlooked the years of neglect that he has received. As a sign of no hard feelings, Satan Claws left Pope John Paul II a warm, fresh, tasty Egg McMuffin in his Zod-mas stocking this year along with an apology note for his brash behavior. It is reported that it may have been that very sandwich that was the cause for the pope’s untimely death this afternoon.