Another boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother: Who's this fellow on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?That's your father.Then who's the old bald-headed man who lives with us now?
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, Man, I wish we had something to drink! Jim says, Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it? So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim. Jim says, Hey, how do you feel this morning? Bud says, I feel great. How about you? Jim says, I feel great, too. You don't have hangover? Bud says, No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often. Yeah, well there's just one thing... What's that? Have you farted yet? No... Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!
One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day of sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking Platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter promptly replied, "Si senor! Sometimes the bull wins."
Ten dollars is Ten Dollars ........
Jack and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Jack would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane, " And every year Martha would say, "I know Jack, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Jack and Martha went to the fair and Jack said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Jack that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Jack and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his trick over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Jack, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Jack replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
You just awake...your eyes are still shut...still can't quite focus...still dragging your behind...you know you need coffee...can taste that first sip. You wait for the maker...and put the mug to your
lip
The feeling is warm...just what you need...but you know you need more...and it's something to read. The paper you say??? no...don't think so...not it...It's much more exciting...you can't wait to
"click"
You boot up your puter...you click that icon...can't keep from grinning...you're really turned on! When the voice says "Welcome"...your heart skips a beat!! You know you're addicted...
all the friends that you'll meet.
And then you see it...you wait with a stare...the mail box lights up!! "you've got mail" waiting there!! OH...what a feeling!!.... you look with delight! You hoped you'd have mail...and you knew
you were right!!
So you go thru the mail...knowing this is the "Best"... reading this reading that....as you go thru the rest. Some you give the "delete" key....others get your first click. You know you must hurry...
you gotta be quick!
It is then that you hear it...you can't wait to see... your heart gets a flutter...who's name will it be? And then there it is...covering part of the screen...the sweet little sound...Oh...you know what that
means!!
"Quick mail check" you promised...you said in your mind. But you just got an IM...and you're pressing for time! You know that you want to...and respond you will...so you stop what you're doing...
and go for the thrill!
You "LOL" and "BRB", give kisses and Hugs...you type and send words...refilling your mug. You give your good friend your attention and time so that quick little mail check...turns to hours online
A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex, He gives her a ill but warns her it is still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner and she does.
About a week later she's back at the doctor and says, "The pill worked great. I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes later and he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes on the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table."
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
The lady replied, "Naah, That's okay. We aren't going back to Denny's anyway."
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it.
Her friend asks, "What is the puzzle of?" The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger.
The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says,
"First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to looklike the picture of that tiger."
"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
It's The Real Thing ....
A blonde lady walks up to a soda machine and puts 50 cents in and choose Coke. The coke comes out and she says, "Hurray!" Then she puts in another 50 cents and choose Sprite and it comes out. She again says, "Hurray!"
The guy waiting behind her is growing impatient and says, "Hey lady there are people waiting behind you."
The blonde woman looks back and replies, "Not now I'm winning."
GRIN AND BEAR IT ...
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean bear. Full of fear, his attempt to shoot the bear was unsuccessful. He turned away and started to run as fast as he could. Finally, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. But, he got on hs knees, opened his arms and said, "My God! Please give this bear some religion!"
Then, there was a lightning bolt in the air and the bear stopped a few feet short of the hunter. The bear had a puzzled look for a moment, and then looked up into the air and said, 'My God! Thank you for the food I am about to receive ..."
CULTURE SHOCK ...
Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, 'I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "what part did you get?"
A WOMAN'S ULTIMATE FANTASY ...
Ask any man, and he will tell you that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
A blonde walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?"
The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."
The blonde then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
So she buys one.
The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss asks,
"What is that shiny object?"
She replies "It's a thermos."
He asks, "What does it do?"
She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
He then asks, "What do you have in there?"
"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
Q: How does a computer eat?
A: It takes little bytes!
Q: Where does Dracula work?
A: The Vampire State Building!
Q: What kind of pants do ghosts wear?
A: Boo jeans!
OUT OF AMMO.....
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddently a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's imossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at", replied the doctor.
A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "this is $200," she says.
"I want one tht's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"this one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down tomodel it for me."
His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."
So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the tope of the stairs.
"So, how do you like it?" she asks.
Her husband then complains, "Darn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing!"
BLONDE MEN ....
Three blonde men were stranded on one side of a wide river, and didn't know how to get across. The first man prayed to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turned him into a brown-haired man and he swam across.
The second man prayed to god to make him even smarter, so God turned him into a dark-haired man and he built a boat and rowed across.
Then the third man prayed to god to make him the smartest of all, so God turned him into a woman and she walked across the bridge.
