Well...I've been living on my own for 2 weeks now. My apartment is in Grand Rapids...and.. I have a kitty. Her name is Sha Sha and she's 16 weeks old. And I just used up almost a whole roll of pictures on her, so when I find somewhere that develops pictures, that will be taken care of. Until then..

Melancholy must be part of my personality. I can't seem to escape it. But I can escape happiness without effort! So at least I have that going for me.

I haven't really met anyone, no one too promising anyways. I've been talking to a few other students, but the talking ends when I get back to my apartment, so you can't really call them friends. School itself...has its ups and downs. The building is perfect. I love how you can stand on the third floor and look over the railing and see things happening three floors below you. I love the way that the whole side of the building is glass so its always bright inside (between the hours of 9:00 and 6:00 at least.) And you can hang out on any level. I love that someone can play the piano on the second floor loft and you can hear it throughout the building. I really like my writing and speech classes. I can tell that they will be fun. I like my teachers Patty, Mark and Dan.

On the other side, I don't particularly care for my art courses or teachers. I don't really like the student population as a whole, there are so many pretentious, elitist, art snobs. I don't like that for once in my life, I really feel that I suck at art. I don't like that my art classes have nothing to do with what I plan to do with my life, and they cost $1000 and way too much of my time. I don't like that everyone is already in cliques, so I can't really fit in. I don't like that I can't afford supplies or books, and I feel guilty embarrassed showing up to class without required items not because I forgot them, but because I couldn't afford them. I don't like that I have no good way to carry all of my supplies to school, and once there I must carry them to every class because I don't have a locker or anything. I don't like that I can't figure out the enter and exit doors at the student library. I don't like that the only people I know there are Claire (who I feel stupid talking to now) and Rachel Flowers(who I just don't talk to).

I don't like complaining. I just want to feel good. I want to go see Jeff. I want everything to work out so I'm able to go up and see him at Winter Carnival, but Alex didn't give a real response when I asked him about it, and I don't think that he seriously wants to go. And mom seems to doubt Alex being able to drive the explorer. The whole situation is just stressing me out because I stupidly got my hopes up for this trip, and if it doesn't work out, its going to be so long before I see Jeff and I really, really miss him right now.

I keep trying to look on the bright side of everything here, but I can't do it anymore. I cry way too much, and I'm having trouble finding something to look forward too. I have a feeling that if I go to school this summer, which I probably will, 'm just going to shut off my brain in May and drift through classes and not care about anything. Because thats what I'm going to start doing here if things don't change drastically. If I had to decide now, I would not come back to Kendall next year. I wouldn't go to Grand Valley either. I would go somewhere far away, like California or New York. I know you're probably thinking, "Gee Weezie, if you do that you'll have the same problems you're having now." Thats where you're wrong. I could start over at the same time as everyone else. It was a mistake for me to start school a semester into the year, everyone else is well adjusted which makes it way harder for me to get that way. If I start somewhere new at the beginning of the year, I'll meet other kids who are new and just starting out there lives, and I won't be so fucking isolated all the time. It might even make it worse that I know people that go to Grand Valley, because people ask, "Do you know anyone in Grand Rapids?" and I say, "Yes, my brother lives here," and they're like, oh she doesn't need to talk to me, she already has friends here.

I don't really want friends. I would like one person that I could hang out with sometimes, that could drive me places. Even that I don't really need since Alex and Claire are here. What I would really like would just be some "school friends", people that I could hang out with at school, but not afterwards. I had craploads of those when I was in high school, cept I called them "Weezie friends". Most of my friends were Weezie friends. That would be ideal, because I prefer to be alone, but if I'm at the crowded student commons at Kendall and stupid girls are making fun of me at the table next to me, I'd like to have someone to sit with.

Since I come off as a horrible person in this entry, I will list 5 things that I'm happy with in my life: 1. I'm happy that I have Jeff, the most perfect guy for me in the world. 2. I'm happy that I finally have my own kitten, and she is magnificantly adorable. 3. I'm happy that EverQuest finally works on my computer, even though I don't play it much. 4. I'm happy that I currently have my most wealthy, and overall second best, ZAngband character I've ever had (I love you Ondilian!) 5. I'm happy that I can walk around naked and no one can see me.

I uploaded more pictures into the picture part of my gallery! Not art, pictures!! Go see!