Last night I watched an episode of Sex and the City on HBO that made my head swell. I know, I know- its a ridiculous show that usually pisses me off more than entertains, but this particular episode was one of the good ones because it featured a wonderful character named Berger (played by the beautiful Ron Livingston). I like Berger because he reminds me of every guy that I've ever had a close relationship with. Anyways, he and Carrie (the main character as played by Sarah Jessica Parker) had been in love for quite some time, but there relationship was going through a bit of a rough phase. Berger insisted on taking a one week break, which disappointed Carrie, but she used the time to do some thinking herself. During this week, Carrie decided that she was still, in fact, in love with Berger, and she would try whatever necessary to bring their relationship back to where it was before, and she could only hope that he had come to the same conclusion on his own. Well, at the end of the week, Berger arrives on Carrie's doorstep with a bouquet of flowers. He apologizes, and says he loves her and can't let their relationship go so easily. I was overjoyed at this point because I had adopted Carrie's worried view point. Anyways, this is the part that hit me like a ton of bricks, she wakes up in the morning to see that Berger is not in bed with her. She gets up, and wanders into the other room. There on her computer is a single sticky note, written on it: I'M SORRY. I CAN'T DO IT. DON'T HATE ME. At this point, Carrie knocks the vase of flowers off the table, and the screen goes black.
My thoughts... this is my nightmare! This episode created this emotional pain inside of me that probably shouldn't exist. I've become increasing empathetic to fictional characters lately. Its too the point that last night, when I quite consciously thinking for a moment, I still felt the emotional pain and actually thought that it had something to do with my life. The connection with this situation and my head, that makes it so strong, is the simplicity and unpredictability of it all. You figure that when you get to a certain point, things are clear sailing (at least for awhile) in a relationship. I mean, Berger came to her and proclaimed his love. You think at that point that you'd be okay for awhile. Unexpectedly, he leaves. No warning, no reason. Being broken up with isn't necessarily a terrible thing, it doesn't have to be at least. But to be abandoned with no reason or warning (or even confrontation)? Its completely different and I don't think you can ever expect anyone to be capable of such an act. And when it happens with my favourite character on a lame sexist show? It hurts all the worse. Its pretty mind boggling in a way, but believable, because there are people out there who care more about their own comfort rather than honesty and directness. Damn, that show pisses me off!
Perhaps you are wondering why I take this fictional stuff so seriously? I pondered that a bit myself. I came to the realization that I only experience true emotions through books, or movies, or television these days. My own life has yielded no drama to speak of, and I've had absolutely nothing to be sad, happy, angry, excited or anything about. I haven't had to feel anything in a long time. I've never gotten into a real fight with a boyfriend, I don't even argue with my family anymore. I've learned to avoid conflict with understanding and logic. I think my only outlet to emotion is within the lives of other people. Does this make me an emotional person because television and music can make me cry? Or does it make me an emotionless person because my own life can't?
Listening to: "Everything is Everything" - Phoenix
