First entry of the new year...Not even worth writing, but I'm bored and livejournal seems even more pointless than this sometimes. I have over 1000 hits at my deviant gallery. Thats nice, I guess. I'm totally not used to the keyboard on this computer. All the keys are really big and far apart, it seems, and I never seem to press them down all the way. Plus its not clicky like I like.

Went and saw Return of the King today with my dad. I definitely wanted to leave about a half hour before the movie ended, but he hadn't seen it before so it was best to stay. Its funny because when I read the books I had always sort of associated Eowyn with me because she was really in love with Aragorn at one point and she didn't end up with him. Thats the way I always felt during high school, and Arwen was the prettier girl that the guys always ended up with. Now it seems that Arwen does a much better job paralleling my life. She loves Aragorn so much even though they are seperated. She's weak, not a fighter or anything, but he is. Eowyn is every other girl that seems to have more in common with Aragorn (Jeff) that I get nervous about stealing him away, when in the end, that won't happen.

Its just like Les Mis, how I always thought that Eponine was so much like me, but at the moment, I don't feel that connection to her. I did in high school, definitely.

we went to Max & Erma's for dinner, and it turns out that Rachel works there so she came and sat with us for awhile. Its weird. The whole situation is weird. I was quite comfortable talking to her, she even introduced me as her best friend to her coworker. Anyways, it just reminds me how much I dislike people changing for the worse (not that she has), more like drinking and drugs altogether.

I don't think I know one person who hadn't started drinking when they started college. Or smoking cigarettes/pot. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I think that this behaviour is stupid. It makes me a little mad to hear people talk about it, but when its people close to me, it doesn't make me mad. It just makes me really sad. I can't quite figure out why, but the thought of someone who is, or was at one time, a close friend starting to smoke or drink really depresses me. It makes me feel like I would feel if they said that they were in a car accident or something. I feel sorry for them and my head gets all cloudy and...I just feel really sad. I wouldn't have given a shit if I were still on Effexor. I never cried then. I cry all the time now. A friend brings up how they got drunk at a party last night, and I get tears in my eyes. Its all so stupid. Its stupid to drink, its stupid to do drugs and its really really really stupid to smoke cigarettes. What good do they do you at all? I guess the most stupid thing is how I react to it.

I don't think many of my peers understand me, or think that I understand them. "You don't drink, you don't understand how fun it is." I believe that getting drunk once was enough for me, it may have been fun at the time, but its ridiculous to think of doing it again. Its kind of like...being a baby or something. How babies are amused by shiny things and stuff because they have such under developed brains, it doesn't take much for them to have fun. They are easily entertained and anything can make them happy because they're stupid. Getting drunk is the same thing. You lower your intelligence in order to find more amusement in more things. The idea is idiotic. Maybe I'm one of the few people with the ability to have fun with my brain working at full capacity. I don't need to become an idiot to have fun, and I truly doubt that anyone else has to either. Pot is the same way. Why do something that actually hurts your brain and intelligence to have fun when you could do something fun and good for your mind? Hell, even playing video games teach you something, and I respect people who play them. I don't respect or understand people who drink or smoke pot. It hurts me that people voluntarly do that to their brains.

Stuff like this is always on my mind. I really really don't like it. I wish that I enjoyed stuff that my "friends" enjoy. (I don't really have any friends, but...). I at least wish that I didn't get so upset about it. I feel so stupid. I know that I would think about it less if I took my medicine, but I haven't taken one pill yet. My emotions easily overpower me, but I haven't decided if I want to "take my emotion chip out" yet. Thats exactly whats its like to. Effexor, at least. I was so much like Data from Star Trek, I honestly had the timiest spectrum of emotion, I didn't cry or laugh or get excited. Then I quit taking it and my neural net was overloaded....or something like that. I don't know which I prefer.

I cried last night when Jeff left. I don't know wen I get to see him again. I cried today when Frodo sent Sam away. Even though I've seen the movie 3 times, I always expect a different outcome. I cried when I heard Transatlanticism today. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of my life right now. I just want to start over. I'd be happy if everything in my life just changed right now, except for Jeff. I need him to be there, no matter what else happens. But I don't really have friends right now, so I can start over with that. And my new home. I hope to be able to spend most of my time alone, I prefer myself to other people. I look forward to staying home at night and working on dull repetitive art projects while the kitten plays with the rug. I'll be listening to Death Cab. Thats all I need/want. I don't want to live in a house where people constantly "drop by" and people know/care when I spend the nights at home, alone. I don't want anyone to care about what I'm doing, I want to be able to stay home and play the computer and not feel guilty. I want to be able to go get something to eat by myself, and worry that someone I know might see me alone. I look forward to the social aspect, but not so much....Not if its like anyone elses college experiences. Friends tell me about their new college buddies, or write about them in their livejournals, and I truly don't envy them at all. People like me...I could use a couple of them. The truth is, when I was a junior in high school I really looked forward to college because I figured that was going to be where I'd meet a guy/guys that I liked. But obviously that doesn't interest me anymore.

People have been asking me two questions lately. "Are you excited?" I hate to say it, but I'm not. I know I should be, life will be different. But I don't know, I'm just not..excited. or they ask, "Are you [nervous/scared]?" I say no, because I'm not. Once again, I probably should be, it would be natural if I was, but I'm not. Nothing has sunk in, and I don't think it will when I'm gone. I'll be in a different room, but really...Theres nothing to be afraid of. I spend about 22 out of the 24 hours in the day alone. That should stay the same. I won't be scared to be on my own.

I shouldn't have written any of this. I have this image of myself coming off as really pretentious or arrogant. Its times like these that I really don't like knowing myself. I miss Jeff. But I just got off the phone with him so he still exists. I want to sleep now. I don't want to go to Grand Rapids tomorrow.