Ech.... I'm such a hypocrite. I hate having so many options...because I love having so many options, ne? I've been dragging out this part of my life because at this very moment, right now, I have the freedom to do anything. I could go study to become a park ranger, an artist, an anthropologist, an archeaologist, a herpetologist- any one of my dream careers. I'm in that part of life where each one of these could still realistically happen. But not for long. I have to make a choice. And that choice, whether it be to take general classes at Grand Valley, or LCC; or to study art at Kendall, will indeed rule out a great many options for me. Well, less so if I go to LCC, I guess.
So at this point, you're under the impression that I like having this many options, and I want to keep them, right? This is true, however, as much as I love having all of these options open to me, I would much much much rather have no options at all. I wish art was my only choice, so I could just go do it and never think twice. But, no matter what I decided to do now, I'm going to regret. If I go to GVSU, I'll regret passing up the great opportunity with Kendall. If I go to Kendall, I'll always wonder if art was really what I was supposed to do. If I go to LCC, well, I'll just be depressed. Its like..theres just so much pressure and hype about what school you go to. Everytime I bump into anyone's parents, they'll ask, "Oh, where are you going to school?" "I'm taking the semester off." "Oh, where are you going to next semester?" Then I answer with Kendall, or GVSU, or LCC. Whatever they want to hear. Which usually isn't LCC because "why would she do nothing for a semester when she could've just been taking classes there from home anyways?" Okay. So what other people think really isn't one of the deciding factors in my future.I want someone/thing to tell me what to do, because I'm fucked. I see problems with every choice out there. I can also see the positive side of everything, which is equally not helpful. I want GVSU to call or send a letter and say that I'm not accepted. That would help a great deal. I live in the past way to much, and I'm going to regret whichever decision I make, I always do, so I really shouldn't worry about it.
The past few nights I've been having trouble getting to sleep because I keep hearing these people screaming. I know that there aren't really people screaming, its this noise that happens (or maybe it doesn't) every 30 seconds or so that sounds like a huge crowd of people screaming. I'm trying to convince myself that its a puddle outside that makes the noise when cars drive through it. Maybe it has some sort of..broken hubcab or something...that gets dragged along causing a screaming noise? I don't know. I'm so easy to freak out at night.
Its the strangest people/things that I miss sometimes. What I find myself missing quite often are my old mental "movies". My whole life I've spent living in my head in different fantasies, which is not at all uncommon, I think. I've made up a few hundred characters by now and sometimes I'll look out the window and something will remind me of a character, and then I'll remember the way my life felt back when that character was the main focus. Remembering feelings is so wonderful, and so rare. Its like a time warp, I feel like I'm actually in the past for a minute. I hope that in the future I don't remember the way that I feel now though. I feel heavy, stretched and alone. The greatest part is that the feelings change every month or so, I'm sure this one's nearing retirement.
