Oh! I hate being jealous! But sometimes stuff just doesn't seem fair. Jealousy is all the more embarrassing when it involves a boy. So, it goes like this: I've had a thing for this guy since I met him 2 or 3 years ago. But, I didn't do anything about it for obvious reasons: I had a great boyfriend and this particular guy was way, way out of my league. Because, he's like, perfect, or something. He really is. But, when someone is way too far out of my league, I don't obsess over them or get upset. I let it go. I wouldn't even dare to think about him, because it doesn't really benefit me.
HOWEVER, when he becomes sort of close to a girl who I consider to be even more pathetic than me, it upsets me. Don't get me wrong, I like this girl. And there is absolutely no chance of anything really happening between them (he's out of her league and they don't live near each other), but she is desperate, whiny, and incredibly self conscious. Things I try not to be. Out of nowhere, they discovered eachother and now flirt constantly.
I, myself, am not really a good catch, I know. I would never expect anything to develop between this guy and me, but still... I've known him for however long and he doesn't even acknowledge my existance, despite certain obvious ties. He seeks out the one girl that I use to make myself feel better about myself, so now I have no choice but to feel like shit. Its less about not being with him (because I don't mind that), and more about my fragile self esteem.
Not to mention that only a short time ago, I made a complete fool of myself and the only one to witness it, and the only one that it may have bothered anyway, was this particular guy. If I were him, I wouldn't just ignore me, I'd dislike me. Does he dislike me? Or does he honestly not really know that I exist? I'd be happier with the first, because at least then he would have some idea of who I am.
Suddenly life has become dull. I've lost my passion for school, and I work all the time. I don't draw anymore, and I go to sleep only an hour or two after I get home at night. I'm nervous about money because I am being forced to choose between big things now. I've been living in my fantasies more than ever before, and its kind of scary because they feel more like real life than real life does.
Don't judge me by this post, I'm not normally so neurotic. Its hormones, I tell ya.
Listening to: "Living Lounge" - Sondre Lerche
