We were this close to making it to our two year anniversary. Jeff broke up with me today. Actually, he broke up with me last week but I didn't know until today. It really sucks because I really love him, but this summer was too fucking hard. No, our relationship all together was too fucking hard. We were always far away. I really, really wish circumstances were different, that we could have had a normal relationship where we lived in the same town or at least within an hour of each other or someting. I can't even comprehend what a normal relationship is like, where girls see their boyfriends everyday. I don't even know if I could handle that, I've been conditioned to think its normal to see my boyfriend once a month at the most, I think it might be overwhelming to always have them around.

It sucks because over the past couple years, I've pushed all of my friends away to make room for him. I know he did the same. He was my best friend. He has a new best friend now, and I don't have any close friends at all. Time to start a new life, eh?

It's strange, because even though I knew it was coming, I cried a lot. And I don't think I'm done crying. I haven't really missed Jeff this summer, but the thought of him not missing me, or worse, not loving me, is just horrible. I don't think I'll ever be able to accept him being with another girl. The thought makes me physically ill. It's a complete double standard, because I picture myself with other guys all the time...but when I do picture myself with other guys, I'm never really me. I'm always Penelope or Angelina in my fantasies. I guess I've always had problems with self confidence, this really doesn't help.

I'm going to have to give up a lot of things that I like. I know that I can't listen to Postal Service anymore. I don't want to attempt to listen to Death Cab either. I won't be able to watch Vanilla Sky, my fucking favourite movie. I don't know what I'm going to tell Janet, we talked about the possibility of this already, except when we talked it was about me possibly breaking up with Jeff, I wasn't prepared for the ol' switch-a-roo. Not that I wouldn've had the guts to do it myself anyway. I think I'm going to cut my hair short, I know that he liked it longer, but I think I might like it short. I'm not going to tell anyone about this for a few days, and since I know that no one reads this journal, I fell okay writing here. I will delete this entry eventually, I just needed to get some stuff out.