I feel violated to the extreme. I've actually had one of those experiences after which you just want to sit in a bathtub and scrub yourself until your flesh comes off because you feel so dirty. Let's face it, I'm a very indirect person, and if I'm bothered by something, I won't let you know. Today I came very close to punching someone. Rather than that, I did tell him, "Get out of my house, I want you to leave," which is very direct and aggressive for me. Little good it did though. Eww eww eww... everything lately seems like its either a test or a punishment. I must've really pissed someone off.

Today was the last day of my psychology class, I took the final exam. Pre-exam, I had the third highest grade in the class. I think I did well on the exam, so hopefully I'll be bumped up to first in the class. Not that I'll know either way. I'm so competitive when it comes to numbers and scores. This is the first time that I've done outstandingly well in anything school related though, especially in an academic course with other college students. It might have something to do with the class being the only real obligation in my life at the moment.

I'm disappointed because I really liked those Kent and Kelsey kids in class, but I'll most likely never see them again. That's really the closest I've come to making friends in school. I doubt I'll be so successful this fall. We got Dairy Queen after the test, and that was nice, even though I ate suspiciously little. As usual. I'm a little ashamed of myself. I don't remember if today is Rachel Hettler's birthday, or was it June 29th? I always get June and July mixed up. I would've liked to send her an email or something.

I've been listening to a lot of The Format and Sondre Lerche lately. And The Shins. I get into these redundant phases where I'm only interested in two or three bands. Bleh.

After finally talking to Janet, I feel much... better? about the whole Jeff thing. I went from being sad for me to being sad for him. She really made things clear for me, and I feel stupid that I didn't understand his position before. Its just that we think differently. I'm motivated so much by logic and experience. I like to think long term, and far into the past. Jeff is just motivated more by emotion, and individual circumstances and situations really seem to be the main factors in controlling his emotions; that short term, instant stuff. It makes sense that he would feel immmature and "unevolved" when he's the youngest and least experienced person in his current home. I think it would be best if he didn't compare himself to the others, or expect himself to suddenly be at their level, but I suppose its a natural reaction for him to. Total emmersion, right? There is an immense difference in maturity between a 20 year old and a 23 or 24 year old, it's unfortunate if people don't realize it and set large expecations onto themselves. If I thought like Jeff does, I wouldn't want to be with me either. I would think of me as something thats just holding him back from being whatever he wants to be at that moment.

Janet and I didn't spend a whole lot of time talking about that though. It turns out that I may be facing larger problems. Even though no one came out and said it, I know what I'm being suspected of having. We talked about the differences between extreme pessimism and paranoia. Am I paranoid because, not only did I have fears, but I let the fears affect my behaviour? Am I paranoid because of my new views on god? Or not. I've always been a pessimist, but within the past couple of years, I let it take control of me too much. But I'm changing, right? I'm not so bad. I don't fear death when riding a bike. I don't fear death when riding an escalator. I do expect them though. I expect that I might die if I ride a bike, but all of a sudden, I really don't give a shit. If I die, I die. What do I care? I'll be dead. There was a point at which I was so happy, I had Jeff and everything, that ending life before I did so many things.... It was a thought that scared me every minute of the day. Now, I mean.. I know it would suck to die, there's a lot of stuff that I still want to do. But, thats not going to stop me from enjoying certain other things that I irrationally believe to be dangerous.

Today was just so bad! I never ever want to be in that situation again. But what the fuck am I supposed to do? Why did I have to be put in a new situation that I had no idea how to handle, and had no logical way to solve or get out of? There are certain things that I am capable of, that most of humanity is not. Then there are those things that most of humanity can handle naturally, and I cannot. I feel like I hate someone, or something, but thats really not possible for me. There are very few people that I would ever want to physically harm, and those are the people that I would never actually be able to punch because the thought of my hand coming in contact with there skin is simply too disgusting.

I'm upset with many things right now, but I do not feel sorry for myself. Everybody has there rough moments, I think mine are all choosing to come at once.

The other day, while searching for pictures to draw, I stumbled upon a nude picture of Tobey Maguire. It wasn't one of those fake ones, it was real. It was actually pretty disappointing, I mean he's very well endowed and all, but that means very little to me anyhow. It was sort of like being desensitized. I don't want to see the one of most attractive men in the world without clothes on. I want to use my imagination, I don't want him to exist in real life as a sexual being. I just want him to be... Tobey Maguire. The more I learn of the real life Tobey, the less I like him. This nakedness didn't help. But he's still beautiful. He's the type of guy that I would want, not for sex or anything, but just to hold me. That would be nice. Of course, he is 29, and that might be a problem. I don't think guys that old enter relationships just to "cuddle". He already has a lady, anyway.