Talked to Jeff last night for the first time since he left, about two months ago. It was strange on so many levels, one being that it wasn't strange at all. I don't know why I'm suddenly terrified of him. He's already done the worst, we're not a couple anymore, what could I possibly expect him to say now that would hurt me more? I don't know, but still he just really scares me. He's turned into one of those people, that... you know, the ones that are superior to you in some way, so you always watch what you say around them, and you're really nervous or shy; and everything that you do say, you think sounds ridiculous or stupid in hindsight. Thats how I feel about him, every time I uttered a word last night, I regretted it because everything I said sounded so stupid. I felt like a fool. There were other moments though. As we were talking, I'd gradually forget about the breakup and it felt like we were talking just like old times. But then I'd remember suddenly, and it felt like I was punched in the stomach and I'd stop talking for fear of sounding like an idiot in front of him. Am I going to get over this, will I ever not feel like an idiot around him again? Well, not even around him. He's still on the island, it was only a phone call last night.
There was a moment when he asked something like, "Do you think we're doing the right thing? Do you think this break up is a good decision?" I said no. Duh. I mean, I understand it completely, but not to the point where I support it or agree with it. The question itself created many reactions. Maybe he's having second thoughts? Maybe he's changed his mind? But then I came to my senses. He only asked because he cares about how I feel, because he's nice. He cares about me still, he's just not interested. He's too nice in some cases though, and that leads to me not being able to trust him. I think he only does certain things, and says certain things, to shelter my feelings because he doesn't want me to be sad. Let's face it, I have the tendancy to take bad news really badly, and I get into these horrible depressions.
May I add something? My mother is horribly, horribly discouraging. She keeps telling me the opposite of what I want to hear. "Does he have a girlfriend yet?" "No, he's not interested in dating." "Oh, thats just what all boys say." grrr.... "Why did he call you? Why is he going to call you again?" "Because I want him to, because we like talking to eachother." "Oh Weezie, give up!" GRRRR Seriously. I am going to keep a speck of hope, so fuck you. It doesn't help when people say I deserve better, or Jeff wasn't good enough anyway, because its blatently untrue. Jeff is one of the best human beings I've ever met, he's beyond my equal, and he's above most other people too. But he'd never admit it.
Tired of hearing about him? Me too. The other night I went to Liz's for a short while, and Annie, Jessica and I were predictably antisocial. Ha. But then we went dumpster diving until the wee hours of the morning. That was fun stuff, though we left empty handed. Tonight is the summer orchestra concert (which I'm still so bitter about!!), but I'm going anyway. Then, on to Marisa's for movies. I like seeing people. I know that I like being on my own, for the most part, but when I'm alone I have the tendancy to waste time. Oh well.
