I cry when I watch Death in Gaza, but not for the reasons I should. I'm a sucker for death. I mourn the death of James Miller the exact same way that I did Jim Fitgerald. Although, I don't think that it was James' intention to have such a large part in his own film.

This summer hasn't been friendly, but this weekend was great! Seen so many people that I haven't in so long. Did some Mint Festivaling with people. Our kickball team didn't work out because we were one girl short. Oh well. Perhaps they'll replace the tennis tournament again next year, though we would've gotten our asses kicked anyway. Had a marathon of The Critic with Alex, John, Marisa, and Lindsey. I was so happy because I never get to see that show. John is cool because whenever something happened to one of the characters, he seemed to see the tragic value in it, and acknowledge it with sympathy, instead of just laughing at their misfortunes. Now I'm judging people by how they watch television. Yes.

I'm feeling better about anthropology. This summer I've been regreting the move away from art, mostly because of what I read on the LCC website about anthropology. But I decided that it was untrue. Greg is an anthropology major, and it turns out that John is too. 700 in world? I think not. I'm nervous about school now though.

My body has been cruel to me lately, but the doctor wasn't as horrid as I thought it was going to be. Hopefully I won't have to go back. I did lose a significant amount of weight, apparently, but you don't know that this was in the last month or two. I could have happened gradually since April or so, I went a long time without being weighed. But I'm close to my low point again. Yesterday I spent the whole day reading out in the sun, then I took a bath with milk and vanilla. I felt great, not only that, but I looked really great! And I'm not full of myself or anything. I'm the first to admit that I'm not a very good looking person, but I have my good days, and yesterday was one. Should've taken a picture. I don't know if it was my sunburn, my hair being up, or the fact that I was wearing one of my skanky G Raps shirts, haha. I was hot!

Through a path of logic and maybe a bit of denial, I've come to a conclusion about Jeff and about myself. Jeff is wonderful, and perfect for me, however he is wonderful and perfect for 90% of the straight girls out there. Everything I like about him is something that every other girl would like about him as well, but I don't necessarily need it. I could settle for someone who isn't as incredibly good looking, I don't need someone who is that kind, or athletic and I don't need someone who is that smart. Those are things that I want, but I could be happy with someone without those qualities. There are some girls who wouldn't, who need someone like Jeff and will not settle for less. Its probably right that he goes off with someone with higher standards, right? Also, I am quite possibly perfect for some guys out there, but I don't think Jeff thinks that I'm perfect for him. However, there are guys out there who prefer skinny bodies to curvy voluptuous ones, and there are guys who will find my geekiness charming, my artistic skills sexy, and my laziness endearing. Jeff may not be interested in my type, but there will be guys that are. Now, the odds of me finding someone who fits into my ideals, while at the same time me fitting into theres? Close to none. It makes me wonder how real relationships are formed. I see people who end up together, not because of their compatibility, but because of their proximity, and that scares me. I don't want to end up with a guy just because I happen to be in a fairly isolated place, and he's the best out of the ten people I know. Sick! Sick, I tell you! Thats not love, and it makes me sad that so much of our population thinks it is. I think you have to really search for someone who works well with you. Thats why I assumed things would work out with Jeff. When we first started dating (and before), out of all the guys that I ever knew, he was the best. Out of every guy or girl, in every grade, he was my ideal. And then at one time, he seemed to like me too. Thats when I should have been suspicious. I think he hates me now.

I have a lesson: don't get your hopes up! Don't expect the best! The good part of my life comes from constantly expecting the worst, its the only thing that keeps me sane, that keeps me happy. I let my guard down in one area of my life, I assumed that it would stay good and I'd stay happy there, and when it died, I fell. And I learned from it not to lose sight of my ideals. I know its better not to expect that it will work out, and not to trust people. In the end, you will live a happy life if this is what you do. I seriously only made this mistake once, and I'm still suffering from it, I'm still sad because of it, and I still can't get over it. The more I mourn though, the more I realize how important it is to always question success, and never get used to good news.

But honestly, I've been in such a good mood the past few days! I had a strange dream about aquaintance of mine. I guess it wasn't strage, only the fact that I had a dream about him was strange. Do you ever have romantic dreams involving a platonic friend? I don't. I only have romantic dreams about Jeff, Grace, or about imaginary people that don't exist. Thats why this dream was weird. Then I heard his name for the first time in awhile, someone said, "Hey, ________ is going to be here today." And I got all nervous. Ha, cute. Nerd you are! Right now, I'm nervous nervous nervous about the next couple of weeks... I don't like not knowing what to expect.

Listening to: David Byrne

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