I ran into a wall today. That about sums it up. Nahhhhhh. I saw Garden State again. Read my opinion of it here, or if you don't have the time, read this: I loved Garden State. But I had to drive to Celebration, and that was a little scary. My dad is... not wanting to let me take my driver's test. That makes me sad. I know I'm a good driver, I just need affirmation that I'm making the right decisions at times. That doesn't mean I'm not ready! I'm way better than any 16 year punk kid, and they're the normal subjects of road tests.

We went to dinner at this tiny middle eastern resturaunt, with only the owner working. There were these massive storm clouds moving in from the west. The owner gets a phone call, and talks very loudly, but I can't understand what he's saying because he's speaking Arabic. He hangs up and informs us that its his daughter, Mona. She says that he should close the resturant and go home because a tornado was spotted and its heading in our general direction. He brushes it off, saying that the media in the US makes to big a deal of storms, and he wishes the weather was always like this. He turns on the television to the news. "...tornado spotted 6.5 miles south east of the city of St. Johns, and heading directly for town. If you are in St. Johns, take shelter immediately."

"See?" says the owner, "Its not even around here, its too the north."

"Actually," I respond, "Thats where I live. My house is in St. Johns."

I wish I could've been worried. I would love to have that kind of fear in me, fear of my city being destroyed. Secretley, I knew that there was no tornado coming to St. Johns. If anything, maybe a funnel cloud that would never touch down and would dissapate before it hit town. Not that I want my town to be destroyed, but I'd like to think there's a chance for danger in my life.

I meant to talk about death in this entry. My original intent was to talk about the teens killed in Holt last night. There were six of them in the car, a man coming from the other direction decided to pass and ended up hitting them head on. The two teens in front were killed, the other four passengers were seriously wounded. The teens were being followed by some of their friends. One of their friends jumped out of the car and raced to the wreckage of the teens' car. The driver, a 16 year old boy named Robert, was pinned by the dashboard, and was screaming, "Help me, get me out!" The kids in the non-wrecked car debated whether or not to pull the Robert from his seat, but decided against it, in fear of hurting him worst. One of the boys reached in and grabbed the drivers hand, attempting to console him, saying everything was going to be alright. The Robert kept screaming, until he eventually seemed tired and said, "Wake me up from this dream." Then, a moment later, he died. His friend, who was holding his hand, said that he could tell the Robert knew he was dying. The passenger, Alysha, 19, was killed too.

My thoughts on this. I cried when I read all the detail of the crash. First off, it reminded me of my friends (a bunch of 18,19, 20 year olds, heading to Bell's Pizza), but that didn't really have to do with why I was sad. The worst possible feeling ever is the feeling, the knowledge, that you are going to die within moments. Knowledge of your own impending doom, there is no way to describe it. I can't say that I know what it feels like first hand, except that I have had a series of dreams, that I thought were real, in which I am in that situation, where I am going to die in a matter of seconds no matter what. The airplane is going down, you're falling of a 70 story building, the elevator is crashing. You have 5 seconds until everything goes dark, and you know it. This is such a huge fear of mine now. Death, itself, is so terrifying. The fact that all of your thoughts, secrets, emotions, will no longer exist, will never have existed once you die... Everything in your head, that you never let out, is permanately erased from history forever. Your mind is so active, you're constantly feeling, thinking, hearing, seeing, smelling, and it never stops. If you die instantly, you won't have time to care that so many of your thoughts were just wasted. But if you have those 5 seconds, or 5 minutes, to just sit there and think, "Well, everything I feel right now will soon not exist in any plane, evereything I think will, essentially, have never been thought. And theres nothing I can do." That poor boy, knowing that he was going to die in just minutes, trying so desperately to evade it. I just... I can't comprehend that kind of terror.

I just deleted a big paragraph. But, what I was basically trying to get through with it was, nobody deserves to die a violent death, not matter how horrible a person they are. And, that its important to find some way to empty your head of all your secrets before you die.

Basically, this is why I have a computer, and this website. I want to get ALL of my thoughts out for everyone to read, so when I die, whenever that may be, my thoughts don't die with me. I don't want everything in my head to quit existing when I do. Thats why this journal is public, and I do write things that are embarrassing, or I'd rather not tell people in real life. I don't want them to go unknown all together.

Such as, I'm not remotely over Jeff. It shames me to say that, because I don't think he ever felt the same way about me, and if I wanted to play it cool too, I could say that I never loved him. But thats not true. Even though I said I wasn't mad at him, I'm mad at two or more his decisions. I'm not mad about him saying he wanted to be alone, but other things (and several incidences that only occured within my head, and I have a hard time telling from reality). I don't hold grudges, and I don't believe in having to "forgive" people for things. I believe that ever act a person commits, whether good or bad, shouldn't really be looked at as an act, but as a reflection of their character (this is what I'm currently choosing to believe, but these beliefs might not last long). I'm not mad at Jeff for doing anything, I'm just upset that I'm being subjected to parts of his character that I don't like, and that I'm discovering that the things I most liked about him (as a person, not a boyfriend) might not have been there to begin with. It's just a rude awakening. People all seem to be alike in their flaws. When you discover someone without those basic flaws, it just means they can hide them better than the rest of us. If I cared about embarassing myself in front of people, I would quit writing about the same things. But all that I intend to do anymore is get things out of my head, and onto the internet, or something equally public.

Had a fun time with Annie and Jessica last night! Went to the cheese store, pet farm animals, cruised Owosso, and watched tv til 4:00 am. Good times. I can't wait for the rennaaiissance festival!