I'm so empty, I feel drained. Today was horrible because of a stupid, poor little bird. It was a crow. I went outside because there were crows being really REALLY loud outside. I then realized it was because my cat was chasing one of them in the street in front of my house. After putting the cat inside, I went to go see what was wrong with the crow. It turns out that the crow was pretty messed up, but not from my cat.

The crow was very sick it couldn't walk straight or fly right. It was walking towards the highway kinda funny. Garrett was with me too because he heard the birds too. We were trying to get it to walk up onto the sidewalk by chasing it from the opposite direction (so he wouldn't be hit), but after a little bit Garrett said "Lets just kill it" and he started throwing rocks at it. I got so mad, but then the crow hobbled out into the highway and gotran over right there. I don't know why, but it felt like I was hit or something. Garrett was just being happy and stupid and I just fought the urge to cry. It was so horrible. I feel so sick right now, but I know that altogether it has little to do with the sick bird.

Today was one of those really cloudy heavy type days that I can barely get through. I can't really describe the weird feeling, or maybe lack of, within my mind, but I feel like its killing me slowly, like my brain is crumbling or something. I'll feel better for a couple days and then it comes to me tenfold.

Everything in my life seems to just be going wrong, and all of a sudden I have nothing to look forward to and I hate myself because I have lost control of my actions. I want so badly to do good in school and get a job but it is impossible for me to even try these things. I just cannot get my body to do the things I want to it to do and I hate it. I feel so dumb writing all this shit because I'm giving people the wrong impression. I don'y pity myself at all, everything that goes wrong in my life is obviously the result of my own actions in some way. I must have really screwed up this time because I am fucking miserable.

I was so happy a couple days ago! Not happy, but content. Because I suddenly had $50 of spending money. I bought a CD. And thats all. I have nothing that I even want anymore. I didn't even really want the CD. Its rather disenchanting to have money and not really desire to keep it or use it. Damn.Damn.Damn. I used to think that I was the only one who understood me, but it turns out that I don't even get myself. I don't think anyone could even attempt to understand me.