YOU DON'T KNOW ME
I would like to be able to tell you all the things that I feel, all the thoughts that I think, all the fears that I have, and all of the things that are of the utmost importance to me.
But my conversations are based on the unimportant things.
I laugh when I really want to break down and shed the tears that have built up over the years.
Sometimes, I even tell you the things that I just think you want to hear, even though these are not my thoughts or feelings.
There are times that I disagree with you, but again, I keep these opinions to myself.
There are even times that you trust in me when I can't trust in myself. You always seem to have confidence in me, and this scares me because I am afraid that I might disappoint you or let you down, or maybe you will think less of me.
Sometimes, I get so enmeshed in your ideas that I forget I have my own. They get pushed into the recesses of my mind. It's as though they are put on "hold" for a later date.
I don't mean to be dishonest with you, but I don't want you to reject me either, and if you knew what I think, you may do just that.
Occasionally, you will make me angry with something you say or do, but again, I bury these feelings. The problem with this is that I eventually let my anger loose, and by the time I do, you don't even know what I am angry about.
You see, it is difficult for me to let you see the real me.
If I were to express my thoughts, would you find me stupid? Someone who is not intelligent enough to communicate with you on an equal level?
There are times that you try to reach out to me and I back away. I don't like doing this, but I'm afraid that you will turn against me, so I have built my walls to protect me. Maybe, I have built them to well. I want so much to be able to take a chance on you, but again, I am afraid you will turn against me...that I will have exposed too much of ME to you.
Please try to understand my fears, even though I don't fully understand them myself.
When I try to make you angry by using my anger, please don't walk away from me. Try to be patient. Let me walk towards you softly, at my own pace.
I have so much to learn about me. So much to understand.
I need your strength and your support.
I need you to care about me.
There are times that I may appear strong on the outside, but inside, there's a small child that is so unsure of life and what it has to offer, and afraid of what it is going to take.
Sometimes when I fight against you the most is also when I need you the most.
You see, you don't know me, only the parts of me that allows you to penetrate through my wall. Please help me break down this wall. Brick by brick, memory by memory, so the day will come that you WILL know me. The real me. The me that is hidden by my own disguise. Please don't let me frighten you away. Not now... not ever.
Slowly, I AM learning from you. I'm learning to see me for what I am. Some of these parts are very unacceptable to me. I need time to work on changing them. I need your guidance and consistency...even though I may not show it, or express it in words. Words come so very hard to me.
There has just been too many years of keeping silent about the things that are crucial to my being. Too many years of hiding my feelings. Too many years of burying me...the real me. The fear of you striking out at me verbally or physically is so strong, and yet in reality, I know this is just my fear.
This is part of the real me...a part you may or may not know. My fears run deep, whereas my reality is shallow.
Please don't give up on me...real or otherwise.
Written By:~Chris
Midi Playing: God Help The Outcast
 
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
