Family Funways, The Most Evil Place on Urth

(user takes a drink of water and tries to collect himself)

Sorry folks...... this is a park that is....... EVIL. It's awful, the most awful place I've ever visited. Worst of all, it's geared toward children. I can't even describe just how scary this place is!

First of all you walk in and the place is deserted. The first thing you see is a rusted water slide called Rampage. There is a *trickle* of water running down the slide and the whole thing looks like it's about to tumble over should anyone over 20 lbs. actually make their way to the top.

Located directly below this water slide is a trash can. This trash can has a clown's head for a receptacle and you put your trash in the clown's mouth. This clown does not look like the happy sort of clown that entertain children. This looks more like Shakes the Clown.

Next you walk past a row of small, dirty quarter kiddy rides - the kind you might see at a grocery store. Only these kiddie rides look like rejects - cars with square wheels, that sort of thing.

Then you come upon the "scenes." Row after row of the most STUPID, disgustingly violent scenes you'd ever see! You put a quarter in one of them - the scene is a doctor operating on a patient. Once the quarter is inserted the nurse begins to hit the patient over the head with a mallet while the doctor stabs at the patient's heart! Blood is squirted all over the walls and floor.

A few feet away there is another scene of a magician sawing a woman in half. You deposit your quarter and the magician begins sawing away while the woman begins kicking her feet and screaming. Once again blood is everywhere.

There are rows upon rows of this stuff!

The pop machines all have handwritten labels describing the pop, and they are covered with layer upon layer upon layer of scotch tape. Every single pop machine in the park is like this. I didn't bother to check if the machines were even turned on.

There is an extremely old paratrooper with all but two of its lights missing. There is a ferris wheel. The ferris wheel is the scariest looking thing I've ever seen - most of the cars are missing, in fact there were only six cars remaining on the whole ride. It's the only ferris wheel I've ever seen running with missing cars!

There is a homemade tea cup ride that has a painted garbage can in the center of the ride. The garbage can is there to hold up the crown that has all of its lights missing.

The park also has an ancient Rock-o-Plane. There are also these cages...... I've never seen anything like it before but I sure wouldn't get in them! They are *somewhat* like a Round Up in that you get inside the cages and you flip upside down. But these things look like a straight row of batting cages. You get locked in the ride goes around and around flipping you upside down. It looks extremely unsafe and I told Tina I couldn't imagine *anyone* being brave enough to ride it!

At this point a large, leather skinned, unwashed and unshaven carney type began following us around. There were no ride ops manning the individual rides. The park had only two ops who would run back and forth operating every ride. And when there was no one to ride they would simply follow you and let you know they were watching. Tina later pointed out the trailers in the back of the park where they live. (user shudders)

An empty fun house called "Castle". Some sort of "elevator." A rocket ride that looked like a painted white box that you sit in while it shakes. A wax museum (you don't even want to know). Animals in cages - I saw chickens, a dog, a pig, and something I didn't look at long enough to identify, I just wanted to get the hell out of there!

There was a concession stand with the window half open and no one inside - only a black and white TV running for no one.

Individual quarter-operated rides for children dominate the park. But these rides.... they all look like rejects, like bad ideas that never got past the prototype stage. There was a robot in one corner that spoke sporadically in a very low voice "FEED ME NOW." There was also a kiddie ferris wheel that I personally would love to put in my backyard - but I wouldn't put my children in it! There were other kiddie cars and kiddie rides that the other carney attended to while combining his cigarette breaks.

We walked in the "arcade." The four or five games featured were.....from another time. One said "Making a Better Urth." There were two dusty, extremely old skee-ball machines. Then we looked at the prizes - they were displayed in dusty old glass jars and I expected to see somebody's pickled brains at that point. As we walked out a grizzled, mannish looking woman behind the counter barked out "THANKS FOR STOPPIN."

Then we saw it. It was a home made quarter vending machine. A robot/monkey is nervously poking a broken stick on a rotating platform. On the platform are plastic vials containing "prizes." You drop your quarter in the machine, press the button and the monkey takes his stick and swats at one of the prizes - if it drops in the hole you "win" the "prize."

Now for the prizes. One was an OPENED switchblade. Another was a pocket knife. Another was a marijuana leaf key chain. The last one was a silver skeleton of a hand.

We left the park empty-handed.

I could go on and on about the things I saw at this park. Every ride looked *beyond* broken and abandoned, yet they were still operational, if that's what you want to call it. The whole tone of the park is just evil. Every single thing in this place looks scary! I can't IMAGINE taking my child there!

Have any of you ever had the pleasure of visiting this American gem? If not, I urge all of you to stop by and pay this place a visit - it's something you'll never forget!!!

Mark-
who won't sleep well tonight so he might as well share this experience with you