Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

If everything seems to be coming your way, your probably in the wrong lane.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

If confusion is the first step to knowledge, I must be a genius.

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.

Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.

Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.

Before you get in a fight with a person, walk 500 hundred miles in his shoes. That way you're 500 hundred miles ahead of him and you've got his shoes.

I drink therefore I am.

"The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a beer bottle, they're on TV." - Homer Simpson.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty damn good one.

I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I have been described as a lighthouse in the middle of a bog: Brilliant but useless.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.

Gravity always wins.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Where there is no patrol car, there is no speed limit.

Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it 'Jumping up and down.'

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.

Men are simple things. We can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Nobody can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish

I have never been in a situation where having money made it worse.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Tragedy is when you cut your finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I spent most of my money on booze and women. The rest I wasted.

The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take milk. Why do we drink 'cow' milk? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em!"

If you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?

Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-Seventh Street, and BANG, you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.