Part 18. Sex
22-7-67 Sun
Dear Sophie,
I’m going to tell you what has been happening with Peter and I. No, we haven’t slept together yet. But, we’ve come pretty close. I know I want to. He’s so sexy. I think about it all the time, but when it comes close… I don’t know. I just freak out because I’ve never done it before. I can’t seem to get over it. Every time we come close, he’s ready and everything, but I have to keep on apologising. He says he understands. I’m glad he does. And I don’t have the courage to talk about it. It was like when I was depressed. I eventually built up the courage to go and see the doctor about it, but it was really three years late. When I was at my worst I wanted to die so badly. Fortunately I had the little bit of optimism to get me through. I kept on thinking it’d get better, but it didn’t. Small things that went wrong got me depressed. When I went to the doctor I started on the pills. 1 every morning with food. Because I had ups and downs I started to wonder if I really needed them or not. But now I’m glad I did. I’m much, much happier and I’m not so bad in crowds or at parties. So I took the plunge and it was worth it. Maybe I should forget about my worries and just do it. After all it is with Peter, and I know he’ll be gentle. Now all I’ve got to do is get over my nerves. I was so nervous at the doctor’s. And then after I was nervous that everyone would find out and hate me. I told my best friend pretty much straight away. She was good about it. It took me ages to tell mum. When I finally did she took it real well. And that was that. So Sophie, I’ve just got to get over my fears. I can do it. Maybe I should talk to Peter about it.
Eb
24-7-67 Tue
Dear Sophie,
I did it. I talked to Peter. It took a lot of guts. I was so nervous.
"Hey, Pete…"
"Yeah?"
"Um… well, I just…"
"What?"
"Ah, we need to talk."
"Ok. What about?"
"Um, you see… it’s just that…"
Peter looked at me expectantly to say something.
"Well… it’s… um…" I didn’t think I’d be able to get it out. I was fiddling with a pen I had picked up, and almost broke it in two.
"What’s wrong Eb? You seem nervous."
"Well, I… sort of am…"
"Why? Is something wrong? You don’t want to break…"
"No." I said quickly "It’s not that…"
"What then?" Peter was looking quite confused
"Well, it’s about…" I stalled and he looked at me waiting for it. "It’s about um… our.. um…our… sex life." I finally got it out. Now all I had to do was wait for a response from Peter.
"What about it?" He asked. He was taking it very well I thought.
"Well, the fact that we… don’t have one."
"Oh. Well, you know that I don’t mind that you want to take it slow."
"Yeah. About that."
"What? You don’t want to take it slow?"
"Um, not exactly. I do, but I don’t.
"Huh?"
"Well, I just feel that… I might be ready."
"Ohhh. That. You know that I’ll do whatever, whenever you want."
"Yeah, it’s just that, every time it comes close, I freak out."
"Mmm. Yeah, I’ve kinda noticed that."
"It’s not that I don’t want to… I just get… scared.. sort of."
"Right. Well, you don’t have to worry Eb. I’ll be gentle."
"Yeah, I know. It’s just that…"
"You’re scared that…" he stopped to think for a second "it won’t fit in?"
"Oh, no. I know that it will. It’s stretchy enough for a baby’s head to fit through."
"What then?"
"Well, I’ve just heard that it hurts your first time."
"Oh."
"I’ve never had something that… big in there before."
"I’ll be gentle Eb. All you have to do is relax a bit. It’ll be ok."
I was so relieved after that. I’m glad that we talked about it. We relaxed after that, and tried to forget about what we just talked about. He was so good about it, I just had to kiss him. He didn’t complain, of course.
Ebony
25-7-67 Wed
Dear Sophie,
Things have been getting more intense since our chat, and it’s only been a couple of days. I have a feeling that it’s coming soon. We’ve been dating for 2 and a half months now. Is that a normal amount of time before we start having sex? I mean, I know some start straight away - like Davy and Tina, and some wait - like Micky and Di. I suppose it’s different for all couples.
I can’t stop thinking about it. I mean, I’m still shit-scared but still, I really want it to happen. We’ve decided that it has to be the exact right place and time to do it. We almost did it yesterday, but we both stopped. We want it to be special. Not just anytime, anywhere.
Love Ebony
