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Love Sucks!
Or How I Learned to Quit Worrying and Hate My
Life
A Rant in Angry Blusterameter
Welcome to my whine/rant page on "Love Life." If you
can't stand to hear people whining about the lack of
romance in their lives, please go somewhere else.
This has been a warning of the International Mercy on
My Ears Foundation... :)
I'm tired. I'm twenty-seven years old, and I'm tired.
Tired of trying, tired of failing, tired of looking
for a kindred spirit, someone to share my life with,
someone to love. I'm tired of the bars. I'm tired of
the Internet. I'm tired of the whole scene. I'm tired
of casual sex, anonymous sex, quickie sex,
one-night-stand sex, bar pickup sex, sex with
strangers, sex with almost-strangers, and sex in
general. I don't care that much about sex anymore. I
want to cuddle. I want to just be close together,
whether watching tv, reading, listening to music,
talking, or giving quality time to a pet.
I'm tired of might-have-beens, almost-weres, and
possibilities that never happened. I'm tired of
flirting in bars and never having a real
conversation. I'm tired of the looksism that's
rampant in the gay community. I'm tired of the
shallow, affected ennui of the "young gods" of the
bar. I'm tired of games, and I'm tired of naked
(excuse the term) lust that passes for love and
adoration so often. I'm tired of hearing about
someone's latest boyfriend when I haven't even had a
first one yet. I'm tired of the hypocritical attitude
some segments of the gay community have toward other
segments (such as the man who picks up a new stranger
every weekend and looks down his nose at the hustler
for doing the same thing but getting paid for it).
I'm tired of having a "leather scene" body with a
"sweater scene" disposition and not being really
welcome in either clique.
I'm tired of being twenty-seven and never having had
even a teenage-style "going steady" relationship. I'm
tired of being a social recluse out of a sense of
futility rather than a genuine desire to be alone.
I'm tired of the fatalistic air of the bar scene, the
desperate attempts to find someone before closing
time, the frantic search at last call, the trudge of
the still-single to their cars at the end of the
night, like soldiers marching home from a battle they
had lost.
What happened to the vision of a true gay community,
where everybody took care of everybody because we
were all in this together? What happened to the
vision I had in college, when I came out and joined
the Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Student Alliance at
Penn State (Hi, Paul, Katie, Jamie, Shine, and
everyone else, wherever you are!) and met people who
cared, really cared, about what I had to say and how
I felt? What happened to the sense of belonging I
felt then, the warm feeling that if I ever had real
trouble, I had someone to turn to? I don't know.
Since leaving college, the warm feeling has been
replaced by either a mutual standoffish neutralit or
an active disdain. I wonder sometimes if it's just me
who feels this. Am I emotionally crippled from
dealing with my weight throughout my childhood and
teens? Am I too shy to take risks in dealing with
others? Am I too wounded to see real overtures of
friendship and caring and therefore merely missing
something that's really there?
The only thing I can say is that I don't know what I
want out of the gay community anymore. If it were
possible, I'd probably leave the gay community behind
socially, and just form my own little community of
two if I ever find Mr. Right. I don't think I could
leave behind a political activism in the gay
community, but the notion of going to bars every
weekend just to be friendly doesn't make me shiver in
anticip.........................ation. (Sorry, RHPS
flashback!) At least I don't have to worry about
turning down invitations to circuit parties! :)
Email: soapster@webtv.net
