Hi! This is my jokes page :) Even though the page is long, it's almost all text so it won't take long at all to load. All of these have been selected by me and reviewed by selected "editors" and are only the best! Enjoy!

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope- talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning, ok, no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So.. is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."

Famous Last Words

It's fireproof.

He's probably just hibernating.

What does this button do?

I'm making a citizen's arrest.

So, you're a cannibal.

It's probably just a rash.

Are you sure the power is off?

Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!

Pull the pin and count to what?

Which wire was I supposed to cut?

I wonder where the mother bear is.

I've seen this done on TV.

These are the good kind of mushrooms.

I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

Let it down slowly.

Rat poison only kills rats.

Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.

It's strong enough for both of us.

This doesn't taste right.

I can make this light before it changes.

Nice doggie.

I can do that with my eyes closed.

I've done this before.

Well, we've made it this far.

That's odd.

You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?

Don't be so superstitious.

Now watch this.

What duck?

Results of a "theories" contest sponsored by Omni magazine:

GRAND PRIZE WINNER

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

RUNNER-UP #1:

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

RUNNER-UP #2:

Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.

RUNNER-UP #3:

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.

RUNNER-UP #4:

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable, distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs... the tallest ones, anyway.

A local business placed the following ad: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." The next day, a dog trotted into the office and up to the receptionist. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager and said, "Meow!"

"Little Golden Books That Never Made It"

1. You Are Different and That's Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dad's New Wife Robert

4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

8. Some Kittens Can Fly

9. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

10. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

11. Strangers Have the Best Candy

12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

13. You Were an Accident

14. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

15. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

16. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

17. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering MachineMessages:

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

AIRLINE ANNOUNCEMENTS

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, bigfella. WHOA!"

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child ...pick your favorite.

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

What did one flea say to the other flea?

"Should we walk or take a dog?"

"I like to tease my plants. I water them with ice cubes." -Steven Wright

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

A. Right after you be eight you benign.

Germination is the process of becoming a German.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a freetrip around the sun.

There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions. Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride. They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story is...if you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower,he said: "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied:"Guess where!"

Excuses for missing work:

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Bears, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

NEW ZEALAND - Tired of listening to your rowdy neighbors party all night? Geoff Marsland in New Zealand has developed the perfect weapon to annoy the pesky partiers. It is an hour long CD featuring 64 uninterrupted minutes of the high-pitched whirring of a lawnmower. Marsland said that you have to sometimes remind people that there are others living nearby. Over 4000 copies of the CD have been sold since its release. And according to Marsland, this is only the beginning. "I'm going to do one on farm sounds as well," he concluded.

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said. "So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."

Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Rescue Anne, to practice. My group's model was legless to allow for storage in acarrying case. The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"

Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much

10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break"

9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina

8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bring-down"

7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded

6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap

5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying, "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts..."

4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts.

3. You smoke during sex.

2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys"

1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung

Things Guys think Girls should know.

1.. We're not as big of perverts as you think we all are.

2.. No matter what you say, your ex-boyfriend is an asshole.

3.. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.

4.. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.

5.. Don't treat us like crap, what goes around comesaround.

6.. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with you.

7.. Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us.

8.. If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong, just tell us it's that time of the month and nothing more.

9.. If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.

10.. We never shave our legs. Get over it.

11.. NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us. It's just wrong.

12.. Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us, if you don't.

13.. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.

14.. We absolutely do not care about, The Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, 98 degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.

15.. We may not be able to pee acurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and go pee.

16.. Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you dont't have to apologize when you do something "wrong".

17.. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.

18.. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.

19.. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might just get what you wish for.

20.. Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say".

21.. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.

22.. Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't fake anymore, but we like yours better anyway.

23.. Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a relationship

24.. PMS is not an excuse.

25.. If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you should put it up when you're done.

26.. Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on.

27.. And always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach.....and maybe....oh nevermind.

28.. And last but not least: We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway.

A jeweler called the police station to report a robbery.

"You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away."

The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?"

"What's the difference?" asked the jeweler. "Well," said the sergeant, "an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears."

"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweler. "He had a stocking over his head."

"You can't go to a public pool and splash around any more. Everyone is swimming laps now. Some guy jumped in behind me and said, "How long you gonna be using this lane, dude?" And I said, "Until my bladder's empty, punk." -Tommy Sledge

There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed, blowing a whistle, and then walking off the field.

At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football game, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field.

The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

Q: What STD do birds get?

A: Chirpies. It is a CARDINAL disease; and it is untweetable.

My father always loved fast cars. Taking advantage of the empty roads one morning, he accelerated down a wide-open stretch.

Unfortunately, a young police officer was waiting at the other end, and Dad was flagged down. He greeted the officer with a cheery "Good morning."

"And a good morning to you, Wing Commander," replied the officer. "Having trouble taking off?"

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM!!!! The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, "someone else must have shot that beaver".

The Doctor says, "My point exactly."

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

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