A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"
"What! Are you crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.
"No! Someone might see us..."
"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it."
"No! I said no!"
"Baby... don't be like that."
Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."
"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the blond from a nearby city.
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
There was a hooker named Jodi who mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him.
The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiful victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?"
Jodi responded, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's really original, it'll cost you an extra $20."
A blond walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one and mumbles, "This is for the shame." Then, she downs the second one and mumbles, "This is for the glory."
A short while later, the woman orders two more shots. Again, she downs the first one and mumbles, "This is for the shame." Then, she downs the second one and mumbles, "This is for the glory."
Finally, the bartender leans over and asks, "Ma'am, I was just wondering... what's this about shame and glory?"
"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework in the nude. And, when I bent over to pick up the vacuum, my Great Dane mounted me from behind."
"That must be the shame," the bartender smirked.
"No, that was the glory," replied the woman. "The shame was when we got locked together and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes."
A woman goes into an ice cream parlor. She walks up to the man at the counter and says, "I'd like some chocolate ice cream, please."
"I'm sorry, madam," says the man, "but I'm afraid we're out of chocolate."
"Oh," says the woman. "In that case I'll have some chocolate."
So the man says, "No, no, madam. You don't understand. We have run out of chocolate."
"Oh," replies the woman. "Then I'll just have chocolate."
The man behind the counter looks at the lady and says, "OK, spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla.'"
So, the woman spells "V-A-N."
"All right," says the ice cream man, "spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'"
The woman says, "OK. S-T-R-A-W."
"Good!" says the man. "Now spell 'fuck,' as in 'chocolate.'"
The woman looks at the man and says, "But there's no 'fuck' in 'chocolate.'"
The man shouts, "That's what I've been trying to tell you, you dumb bitch!"
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor."
"Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell."
"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
A sixteen year-old virgin girl has a bad day, so she goes to visit her priest after hours in his office. Late that evening, she goes to his office for guidance and confession.
"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?" the priest asked.
"Because, Father, he touched me on my arm without permission."
"Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he touched her arm.
"Yes, Father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But, Father, he also touched my breasts."
"Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he touched her breasts.
"Yes, Father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But, Father, he took off my clothes."
"Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he removed her clothes.
"Yes, father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But, Father, then he put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Do you mean like this?" he asked, as he put his you-know-what in her you-know-where."
"Yes, Father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But, Father, he has herpes!
Remarked the Father, "That son-of-a-bitch!"
A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips and lands spread-eagled on the bathroom floor. She tries to stand up but she has landed so hard her pussy has stuck to the floor, creating such a vacuum that she can't move.
She calls out to her husband for help. He tries with all his strength to lift her but she won't budge.
"Why don't we just get a hammer and break the tiles around me and lift me up that way?" she asks.
"Great idea," says the husband, "but just let me rub your tits a little."
"Why?" asks the confused housewife.
"So I can slide you into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there."
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.
Morning comes after them, and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.
When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to him bride where she sees all of him well.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?"
pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words (this was before the time of letter writing or sign language).
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say, "my darling," But, at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).
But, at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So, he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.
Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most
secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her
lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"
And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"
A beautiful woman is sitting on a train with an empty seat next to her. A cowboy dressed in a Stetson hat and
fancy boots saunters over and says, "Pardon me, ma'am, do you mind if I sit here?"
The woman looks up at him and says, "I most certainly do! Cowboys are disgusting! I hate cowboys! Cowboys are mean, crude, vile, and uncouth! I'll tell you something else I know about cowboys. Cowboys will screw anything! Cowboys will screw sheep, they'll screw cattle, they'll screw dogs, they'll screw lizards, they'll screw chickens..."
The incredulous cowboy remarks, "Chickens?"
A very popular blond girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.
The doctor asked, "Do you know who the father of the baby is?"
The girl remarked, "Doc, let me put it to you this way -- if you ate a can of baked beans, would you know which bean made you fart?"
John Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying.
"What's wrong" he asks.
"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty
pussy."
"WHAT!" he shouts.
With that he grabs a baseball bat from the cupboard and storms down to the doctor's office and through
reception. Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's private office.
The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination.
She screams and tries to cover herself.
Without waiting Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and shouts,
"You flaming pervert! How dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!"
The doctor replies "I'm sorry Mr. Smith but there has been a misunderstanding. I only told you're wife she has acute angina."
