At stop signs and lights, inch forward slowly and never make a complete stop. If necessary, hit cars in front of you while going 1 mile an hour.
ANYTHING to get on COPS
Stare intently at pedestrians waiting to cross. When they start to walk across the street, rev your engine. you could even lurch forward suddenly, as if you didn't see them. If possible, fire guns or a missile and just barely miss them.
Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
Two words: Chicken suit.
Two words: "Babe Magnet"
Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
Stop at the green lights.
Go at the red ones.
Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
Eat food that requires silverware.
Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
Sing without having the radio on.
Honk frequently without motivation.
Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
Ask people for Grey Poupon.
Let pedestrians know who's boss.
Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
Restart your car at every stop light.
Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
Keep at least five cats in the car.
Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
Stop and collect roadkill.
Stop and pray to roadkill.
Throw Spam.
Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
