Find a patient undergoing a sex change. Switch the placards with a patient getting something like his tonsils removed.
Experiment with your neighbor’s IV bag. Squeeze it. Replace the blood therein with cherry Kool-Aid.
Arrange wheelchair races with the other patients late at night.
Find some of that novocaine gel, the stuff that numbs on contact with the skin. Coat neighbor in such.
Confide in other patients that this place is nothing compared to "the Rock."
Walk the halls wearing a black robe and carrying a scythe.
Steal a pair of scrubs and a facemask, then somehow get your hands on a chainsaw. Walk the halls, announcing that the regular surgeon’s on his day off.
Same as number 7, only replace the "chainsaw" with "baseball bat," and "surgeon" with "anesthesiologist."
Bust into an elderly patient’s room with a fire hose from the hall and announce that it’s time for his weekly enema.
Fill bedpan of neighbor with fake blood. Watch horrified reaction when he checks his latest movement.
Reenact the chestburster scene from Alien with a bottle of ketchup and a Kermit the Frog puppet.
Pretend that you’re stuck in a certain decade {say, the 1960’s}. Constantly discuss the events of that period. Hum "new" tunes.
Get a LARGE number of empty IV packets, and pile them next to the bed. Use your bedpan often, complaining that that stuff just "goes right through ya."
Put noisemaker snaps under neighbor’s slippers.
And a rock in his pillow.
Find some way to use your iron lung to smoke a cigarette.
When your elderly, nostalgic neighbor starts to talk of "the war years," refuse to discuss it, and tell him that you were for "the other side."
Two Words: "babe magnet"
Find some way to provoke a water balloon fight.
As a side note to 18, don’t use actual water balloons. Use saline IV’ s.
Pass word around that the new nurse will perform questionable acts {free} if you give her the code, "The blue monkey flies at noon." Watch her bewildered face as a crowd of drooling old men in walkers chanting that cryptic phrase chases her down the hall.
Buy a fake voodoo doll. Show it to your neighbor. Then keep it out of sight until the next time he complains of a new ailment. Then, stick a pin in the prescribed area, and leave the doll out in plain sight of your neighbor. Continue this trend until neighbor is committed to the mental ward.
Foam at the mouth. Accompany this with growling and barking noises.
Explain to your neighbor that you’re in due to EA syndrome: "Explosive Ass." Refuse to discuss it any further.
Attempt your own cure with a squash and a hypodermic needle…be creative.
Sneak into the office, page Dr. Kevorkian, and give him the room number of a patient undergoing tonsil removal.
