These bimbos-behind-bars people are definitely maturing as
artists
"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" for
6/??/83
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
Remember the guy last year who wanted to show Wanda his hotel room in
Italy, and she went with him and showed up a week later with
enough jack to change Le Coiffure to Le Bodine and hire Vida to
do manicures only? She found the sucker again this year.
Touched him for another few hundred, got him to spring for a
Frog ticket, told her he'd build Institut de Beaute Bodine on the
side of the highway. Probly took her back to Italy, too, and
he'll regret it the rest of his life. I never met Maurice but I
imagine he was fairly normal and decent, for a Frog anyway,
before all this happened, but he don't have a prayer now.
It was so depressing that I needed a good women-in-cages
flick to give me some perspective on real life. Of course, most
of you maniac turkeys already know what I'm talking about because
you were all acting like gorillas last weekend at the Astro D.I.
We're talking lust. We're talking perversion. We're talking
male guards in a female prison.
We're talking best Bimbos Behind Bars of 1983.
We're talking "Chained Heat."
"Chained Heat," of course, is Part 2 of the serious
documentary study of our nation's prisons that began with "The
Concrete Jungle," currently No. 2 on the Joe Bob Briggs Best of
'83 Drive-in Movie rankings. The same turkeys made this one,
only instead of Jill St. John as the crooked prison officer, they
got Stella Stevens. And instead of Tracy Bregman as the little lambchop that gets put through a commercial Osterizer, they got
Ms. Exorcist herself, Linda Blair.
You turkeys know how I feel about sequels, and the reason Halloween III was a ripoff and Friday the 13th Part 3 was such a
great flick. If you know what you're doing, the sequel can be
exactly the same movie as the first one. That's what we got
here. It starts out with Linda Blair going to prison for no
reason at all. She really wanted to be an interior decorator,
but then she killed this guy in a car accident, but it wasn't her
fault, but it doesn't matter because they pack her off to the
Crossbar Hotel. Okay, then we got the Good Friend (poufy
brunette named Sharon Hughes, about a 6 on a 10 scale) and the
Evil Friend (Sybil Danning, a blonde fox, as the white gang
leader). Then we got the black gang leader, Tamara Dobson. In
this version she's a graduate of Vassar. We got the warden, John
Vernon, who likes to take jailhouse bimbos to his hot tub and
entertain, if you know what I mean and I think you do. We got
the S & M freak guard, Henry Silva, who does pimp and drug work.
This one has some plot, but it doesn't get in the way.
These bimbos-behind-bars people are definitely maturing as
artists. "The Concrete Jungle" had less than 10 breasts. This
time we got 33 complete breasts without any body-stocking fakes.
One shower scene.
Three rapes.
One bimbo neck impaled on a
wire.
Two strippers doing their stuff.
One transvestite
wrassling scene.
Minimum of lesbo stuff.
Two brawls, one black-
one-white, with plenty of gouging, hair-pulling, knees in
embarrassing places.
Pretty good hot-tub murder.
Nine corpses.
No motor vehicle chases.
Another death-in-the-john scene.
Moderate kung fu.
Heads do not roll.
Academy Award nominations for Stella Stevens, Sybil Danning,
director Paul Nicolas, Henry Silva as the geek sadist prison
guard.
I would've ranked this one higher, because I was
expecting some pickets from the feminine movement, but I haven't
heard a peep out of those bimbos. So, three and a half stars,
and it goes to No. 7 on the Best of '83 list, right behind "10 to
Midnight," the best Chuck Bronson-sweeps-the-scum-off-the-street
flick of the year, and just ahead of "The House on Sorority Row,"
about a psycho who makes meat salad out of college girls.
Joe Bob says check it out.
*
A lot of you asphalt-brains asked me about "King Frat," but
everybody who knows their outdoor flicks would know that this is
a 1979 drive-in classic that they just brought back for a little
trip down memory lane. "King Frat" ranks as the finest "Animal
House" ripoff ever made without John Vernon. It's so disgusting that I can't tell
*any* of it in the paper, but if you rearrange two letters in the
title you get the general idea of what 80 percent of the jokes
are about. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.
Hang in there.
© 1984 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved
For more of Joe Bob's pre-TNT reviews in Grapevine, Texas, go to his Drive-In Reviews Archive over yonder at www.Joe Bob Briggs.com
