So you think you've seen it all, do you? You've seen death by impalement, death by electrocution, by being hit repeatedly with a large rock and so on and so forth. But have you ever seen death by nosebleed before? Well, tonight's MonsterVision flick, Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice, answers the age-old question, "What happens when a Goth Nebraska teenager with an attitude wills a bloody nose on a pesky priest?"
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"CHILDREN OF THE CORN II" Intro I'm Joe Bob Briggs, and some Rhodes Scholar decided to make the sequel to "Children of the Corn" -- TEN YEARS after the first one came out. And there wasn't enough story to make a whole movie the FIRST time, but we've got Part Two for you tonight, a mere SEVEN years after IT came out. Because this is just one of those timeless stories that you could watch forever, isn't it? It's got both of those universal elements -- children, AND corn.
And that's the moment when you pull the goldurn trigger. I say it's justifiable homicide. These I-Don't-Care-Whatever-You-Want people, they want you to THINK they're being agreeable, but what they're really saying is, "I'm gonna sit here on my butt while you plan my whole life and ferry me around and make me happy, and if you don't, I'm gonna make you feel like a jerk." Shoot em on sight. Shoot em as soon as they say, "I don't . . ." Before they even get the words out of their mouths. All right, we gotta start the movie. "Children of the Corn II." I'll do the drive-in totals at the first break. [fading] You kill one of those I-Don't-Care-Whatever-You-Want people, I'll testify for you in court. I'll tell the judge it was definitely self-defense. Or maybe, when the judge says, "What do you have to say for yourself?" you could say: "I don't know. Whatever YOU have to say for me." Just to show him how it feels.
"CHILDREN OF THE CORN II" Commercial Break #1
"CHILDREN OF THE CORN II" Commercial Break #2 Little homage there to "The Wizard of Oz," where the old lady gets crushed under her house with her feet sticking out like the Wicked Witch of the East. Notice how her name was Mrs. Burke -- in The Wizard of Oz, the Good Witch of the North was played by . . . Billie Burke. Pay attention later when her sister comes along. All right, Terence Knox took some time out from his bad-guy roles on the Lifetime Network to play the dad here. Terence's real name is Terry Davis, but he took his wife's last name when he started getting acting roles. There's a liberated man, huh? Well, some would say he's a liberated man. Others would say he's a big weenie. Okay, commercials, and then back to "Children of the Corn II." [fading] By the way, was the motorcycle bimbo washing her hair in the waterfall -- while wearing a bikini top, cutoffs, and her sneakers? Not exactly the Playboy Channel, is it? For one thing, her feet are gonna be squishy the rest of the day. You know that sound your shoes make when they're wet? VERY romantic. All right, let's have some more of those TERRIFYING scenes where people are killed by computer-generated blue light.
"CHILDREN OF THE CORN II" Commercial Break #3
[fading] Ned Romero always plays the wise old Indian. You never see a stupid old Indian. You know why? Video poker. Okay, maybe a white man INVENTED video poker, but it took a bunch of wise old Indians to make it PAY. Right? And, by the way, what the wise old Indian said in that scene ORIGINALLY was "Those kids went ape and killed everybody." Only he didn't say "ape." He said the longer version of "ape." So they had to take out the s-word. So what do they change it to? "Those children rebelled and killed everybody." Why didn't they just change it to "Those children went ape and killed everybody"? Wouldn't that be easier? Okay, the Indian guy's here. Can nickel slots be far behind? Let's find out.
"CHILDREN OF THE CORN II" Commercial Break #4
RUSTY: You ever think of getting a post office box so I don't have to hike up here every week?
J.B.: Yeah, you got a thing for Terence Knox. You LOVE those Lifetime Network sleazeballs.
Lemme think about this, Chris. Oh, I got it: The Colon Killer. Of course, if it was on Lifetime, it would have a colon IN the title. "The Colon Killer -- colon -- The Margaret Simpson Story." Do you get it?
"CHILDREN OF THE CORN II" Commercial Break #5
[fading] It's symbolic, right? It's not about gratuitous sex, it's about giving back to the land. Koyaanisqatsi. [chanting] "Ko-yahn-is-kaat-see"! Electric blue death ray. "Ko-yahn-is-kaat-see"! Wheelchair through a window. I still don't get it, though. Who IS the electric blue death ray? Is that the devil? Is the devil in the corn? That sounds like a great country song. [singing] "Oh, there's a devil in the corn, a devil in the corn . . . "
"CHILDREN OF THE CORN II" Commercial Break #6
[fading] I don't know what I was thinking. It's sex and death. Same things Milton was dealing with in "Paradise Lost." I mean, come on, opening lines: "Of man's first disobedience, and the fruit of that forbidden tree, whose mortal taste brought death into the world, and all our woe . . . " Do I need to go on? Because I will. "I never think that I will see/A poem as pretty as a tree." Val Kilmer.
"CHILDREN OF THE CORN II" Outro
Anyhow, that's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you, better late than pregnant. You guys hear the one about the Christian couple who decide they want to get a Christian pet? They find a kennel specializing in Christian dogs. They pick out a dog they really like. When they ask the dog to fetch the Bible, he does it in a flash. When they tell him to look up Psalm 23, he does it, using his paws with dexterity. They're impressed, so they buy the animal and go home. That night they have friends over. They're so proud of their new Christian dog and his religious skills, they call the dog and start showing him off. The friends are impressed, but they ask if the dog can do any of the usual dog tricks. The couple says, "Well, let's find out." The man says, "Sit!" The dog does nothing. The woman says, "Lie down!" Zippo. One of the guests says, "Heel!" The couple gets very excited as the dog gets up and goes to the guest, till he puts his paw on the guest's forehead, closes his eyes, and starts to pray.
Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die.
CHILDREN OF THE CORN (1984)
No host segments available for the original Children Of The Corn movie, but here's what Joe Bob says about it
on his JoeBobBriggs.com website:"When the Babtist church in Gatlin, Nebraska, lets out, everyone heads over to the coffee shop, takes one sip, and starts grabbing their throats and making noises like a Maytag appliance breaking down, and then their kids come into the restaurant and mow them down with meat cleavers and sickles and one guy gets held down while they stick his hand in the automatic roast beef slicer. That's all before the TITLES. Now it's three years later, and this little kid is running through the corn fields with a suitcase, trying to make it to the highway, but a man with a butcher knife in his holster turns the kid into shishkebob meat and then puts him out in the road so some tourists will run him down like a potato pancake. After that the movie starts to get grisly. What's happened here is that the brats have killed the grownups and now they make gasohol all day and murder tourists and worship this kid named Isaac who has a Buster Brown haircut and stands about two-foot-six and looks like Charlie Brown with a piece of goat meat lodged in his throat. There's also a kid named Malachai who looks like Alfalfa with his hair grown out like a hippie, and Malachai likes to kill little dogs and old-coot gas-station owners. The Cornflake Kids get caught when a doctor and his blonde girlfriend come along and see the streets of the town deserted and rotten cornstalks sticking out everywhere. Pretty soon she gets hung up on a cornstalk cross so she can be sacrificed to He Who Walks Behind The Rows. But first they have to wait for Amos, a 19-year-old wimp who likes to carve on his chest with a farm implement and drain his blood into a cup so everyone can drink it Jim Jones-style. Amos wants to "go to Him" by strapping himself up there on a cross while the Cornflake Kids crowd around and do a Vienna Boys Choir number. Amos and the blonde bimbo are gonna "go to Him" together, because the bimbo's husband is hiding out over in the atomic-bomb shelter with a couple little kids who have been hiding out from Isaac and playing Monopoly for the last three years. Obviously, a little too much plot getting in the way of the movie. Ten dead bodies. One dead dog. One motor vehicle chase. Two pints blood. Hands roll. Excellent groundhog-mushroom-cloud monster. Great scene where Peter Horton, the tourist with an IQ of 24, gets strangled by a demon cornstalk. With Courtney Gains as the hippie Alfalfa, John Franklin as Charlie Brown. Directed by Fritz Kiersch from a Big Steve King story. Three and a half stars." Back to MonstervisionCorn grows so fast after a rainstorm that you can actually hear it growing, believe it or not! Animated graphics (c) 2002 by The Animation Factory
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Speaking of obnoxious trends, you know who's responsible for half the murders in the world? The I-Don't-Care-Whatever-You-Want People. I hate these people. I'm declaring war on these people. Here's how you recognize one. You say, "Where do you wanna eat?" And they answer -- it's the ONLY answer they ever give to a question: "I don't care. Whatever you want." So what happens next? You say, "Okay, let's go to McDonald's." And they say, "No, I won't go to McDonald's." They oughta be assassinated right there on the spot. But most of us continue as follows: "All right, no McDonald's. So where would you like to go INSTEAD OF McDonald's?" "Anywhere you want. Anywhere except McDonald's." And so what you do is you have this conversation over and over and over again, and each time you have it you eliminate ONE choice from the universe of restaurants. Because you know what's gonna happen next? You're gonna say, "OK -- Burger King." And they're gonna say: "No, I can't do that. No fast food." And now the argument REALLY takes off. Because you're gonna say, "You just said anyplace except McDonald's." "Well, Burger King is the same as McDonald's. No fast food. Anything else." "DON'T SAY 'ANYTHING ELSE'! TELL ME WHERE THE HECK YOU WANNA GO! YOU SAY 'ANYTHING ELSE' ONE MORE TIME, I'M GONNA KILL YOU AND YOUR MAMA BOTH." And now you're in full-fledged War Mode, because these Whatever-You-Want people always act like they didn't do anything wrong. In fact, the more you yell at them, the more they get all self-righteous, until they finally say: "I'll go anywhere. I'm not trying to fight. I'm the easy-going one. You're the one with the attitude. You want to FORCE ME to choose the restaurant."
Whoa! Some major cleavage there on motorbike girl Christie Clark, better known at the time as the hot girl on "Days of Our Lives." The innkeeper with the Dorothy Hamill haircut is a cutie, too. We got a whole different cast from "Children of the Corn," since the kids killed all the grownups in that one. This is a new batch of kids, too, because the previous kids BECAME grownups before they got around to making a sequel. I have a theory about why they did this. I think some of these movies have played 17,000 times on cable in the last few years, and so what happens is 1) you forget how bad the movie is, and 2) you think it's new. "Children of the Corn II" probly owes its life to cable, but it does NOT owe its story to Stephen King, I'll guarantee you that. Anyway, I'll try to keep you entertained, as we continue, after the ads. Oh, lemme do the drive-in totals. We have: Twenty-nine dead bodies. Zombie youth brigade. Throat-ripping. Cornstalk impalement. Exploding face. Old-lady crushing. Wheelchair Lady creamed by a dumptruck and launched through a plate-glass window of a bingo parlor. Character actor grinding and threshing. Death by voodoo nosebleed. Hypodermic attack. Palm-slicing. Body-part jubilee. One motor vehicle chase. Baseball bat Fu. And, of course, International Harvester Fu. Two stars.
Well, that's certainly environmentally responsible. Start a GIANT funeral fire in the middle of a cornfield and DRIVE AWAY. That's not dangerous or anything. How about that double-virgin sacrifice? Well, we know at least ONE of them is not a virgin, because we saw her making the sign of the twin-ribbed cucumber a little earlier, didn't we? And I still don't even know what happened. Redbear said the spirit will open the corn and let through one who finds truth in himself. So why was he walking through THE SWAMP? I don't get it.