MonsterVision Host Segments for:
Child's Play 2
QUEST FOR THE NAIR WITCH
Who is she? What does she want? Last week, Joe Bob, Rusty and Summer took to the Hollywood Hills to boldy seek out this hideous, hairless hag while hosting a Halloween marathon. Read on as Joe Bob deciphers Carrie, Child's Play 2 and Phantasm.
"Child's Play 2" Intro
Joe Bob Briggs, and up now: "Child's Play 2." Don't worry if you haven't seen the first movie, cause it's all explained in this one. Chucky IS back even though the toy-company stockholders are a little jittery about keeping a toy on the market that's been accused of being a serial murderer and stealing the souls of children. But they figure, "Hey, if the federal government says it's a safe toy, it must be a safe toy." It's just a bunch of NEGATIVE publicity. And so they step up mass-production of the little freckle-faced talking demon rug-rat with the filthy mouth. Here's the drive-in totals:
Eight dead bodies.
No breasts.
Two dead dolls.
Two motor vehicle chases.
Bicycle pump through the chest.
Head-bashing.
Electrocution.
Mechanical eye-gouging.
Throat-slitting.
Cellophane head-bagging.
Exploding head.
Heads roll.
Plate-glass window Fu.
Yardstick Fu.
Hot bloody wax Fu.
Three and a half stars. Check it out, and Rusty and Summer and I are going to continue with our Nair Witch Project. [handing rock to Summer] Here, feel it.
SUMMER: Just because it's plastic doesn't mean the Nair Witch wasn't here.
J.B.: Feeling a little plastic soul energy? Maybe the Nair Witch had plastic surgery!
SUMMER: Ha ha.
RUSTY: It's not funny, Joe Bob.
"Child's Play 2" Commercial Break #1
[pile of plastic rocks]
[SUMMER'S POV of Joe Bob and Rusty sitting, looking at hiking book]
SUMMER: Okay, you guys, do we know where we're going yet?
RUSTY: The delivery guy said Lake Hollywood.
J.B.: That guy didn't know what he was talking about. There's no LAKE in Hollywood.
SUMMER: Yeah, there is. It's right near where Madonna used to live.
J.B.: Hey, is that a Map of the Stars' Homes? That would tell us where Madonna used to live. We should have that anyway. For safety.
SUMMER: Safety?
J.B.: Yeah, if we got in trouble, we could jump over Steven Seagal's security fence . . . and probably get eaten by his Rottweiler. Okay, new plan.
RUSTY: [re: map in book] Look, it's right here.
J.B.: That says Santa Monica Mountains. We're in the Hollywood Hills. RUSTY: The Hollywood Hills are PART of the Santa Monica Mountains. SUMMER: Can we go inside? That pile of rocks is really freaking me out.
J.B.: Hey, Summer.
SUMMER: Yeah?
J.B.: Chucky's behind you.
[CAMERA SPINS AROUND WILDLY, LANDING BACK ON JOE BOB]
SUMMER: Don't DO that!
RUSTY: [re: book] Look, we're RIGHT where those children were abducted.
J.B.: Rusty, Chucky's behind you!
[RUSTY SCREAMS and RUNS INTO THE TRAILER]
"Child's Play 2" Commercial Break #2
[SUMMER'S POV. Joe Bob is seated, and Rusty is in the doorway, behind the screen]
J.B.: So we've got some footage of some plastic rocks--I think the Nair Witch Project is going pretty well so far. Don't you, Summer?
SUMMER: Well, we haven't really GONE anywhere yet.
J.B.: That's because Rusty won't come out of the trailer.
RUSTY: It's too scary.
J.B.: What if we talk about "Ally McBeal" -- will that make you feel better?
SUMMER: Oh, hello -- Calista Flockhart? Nose job. You should see the honker in her high school photo.
J.B.: Gimme a close-up, Summer. But not too close. Medium-close.
SUMMER: Action.
J.B.: I say action. Action. Well the mushmouthed p.r. guy who got his car hijacked by Chucky and then had his head baggied was Greg Germann from "Ally McBeal." Who, by the way, I saw get his butt kicked on "Celebrity Jeopardy" recently. You have to be pretty slow to lose "Celebrity Jeopardy." Now, come on out of there, Rusty, and let's look for Coffin Rock.
RUSTY: What happened at Coffin Rock?
J.B.: That's where Errol Flynn's poodle was disemboweled.
RUSTY: But the guy said the poodle WASN'T disemboweled.
SUMMER: I'm hungry.
RUSTY: Yeah, let's eat the frozen pizza.
J.B.: And how are we going to heat it up? -- we're in the wilderness.
RUSTY: How bout your oven?
J.B.: Fine. [going into trailer]
[CAMERA STARTS TO FOLLOW] SUMMER: Oh, goody.
J.B.: We're leaving RIGHT after we eat.
"Child's Play 2" Commercial Break #3
[cooked frozen pizza, diet Pepsi (cans)]
[RUSTY'S POV - Summer cuts pizza]
J.B.: Okay, Rusty, get me over here by the door. I'm gonna do something about not being surprised that the high-strung foster daddy isn't getting any babies for him and the little wife.
RUSTY: I don't really like you by the door. It looks like the lamp is coming out of your head.
J.B.: For the millionth time: I'M the director. Hey, here's my cooler! You gals want one?
RUSTY: I'll take a diet soda.
SUMMER: Me, too.
[He takes sodas out of a backpack and passes them out.]
RUSTY: What's the matter, Joe Bob, you afraid to try one?
J.B.: No, I'm not AFRAID. I just prefer this. You know what they say the Nair Witch drinks? Pepto Bismol. By the jumbo bottle. Guzzles it.
SUMMER: [sipping] Mm . . .
J.B.: I could drink it if I wanted to.
RUSTY: Uh huh.
J.B.: Okay, lemme have that. [takes Summer's diet soda] Here's to the Nair Witch. [swigs, as if it's whiskey] Yuck! How can you guys drink that? Elh.
"Child's Play 2" Commercial Break #4
[ancient book, remnants of pizza]
[EXTREME, BLURRY CLOSE-UP OF JOE BOB'S BODY as he sets up camera. Rusty & Summer read book. The shot isn't perfect]
J.B.: Okay, we'll set it there so we can get all three of us in it. [sits at table] Okay, the cranky foster daddy got it in the basement, and teacher got a bicycle pump through the chest. We missed some of the gory details on that one--
SUMMER: [re: book] Listen to this from the Nair Witch Cult book --
J.B.: I'm in the middle of taping, here.
SUMMER: "With the doors shut about him, he saw a black Thing jump in at the window, and come stand before him. The body was like that of . . . " I can't make out this part.
RUSTY: [reading over shoulder] "The body was like the head of the man on the . . . police show. The one in the . . . large metropolis."
SUMMER: "The Streets of San Francisco"?
J.B.: "Kojak." Kojak was bald. The witch is bald.
SUMMER: " . . . did in the holes of the said Old Wall, find several Poppets made of sticks. The blood . . . " The rest has something spilt on it.
J.B.: Yeah, I knocked my can over -- sorry about that. Okay, let's hit the trail! Let's go find the Nair Witch.
SUMMER/RUSTY: No way./Huh uh.
J.B.: Look, we'll just go up the hill a little ways and get some footage, and then we'll go back to the house.
RUSTY: Won't Miss Verona be asleep?
J.B.: I have a key.
SUMMER: He helps her out around the house.
RUSTY: I bet he does.
J.B.: You know, you've both got attitude.
SUMMER: What attitude?
RUSTY: I don't have attitude.
J.B.: Attitude.
SUMMER: That is not cool, Joe Bob.
J.B.: It is so not cool to have attitude.
RUSTY: All right. Enough.
J.B.: This is not a picnic. We have a movie to make!
SUMMER: Then stop saying we have not-cool attitude.
J.B.: Okay. Cool. Where's the videotape?
RUSTY: That's all we have.
"Child's Play 2" Commercial Break #5
[hanging Popsicle stick figures; website sign]
[JOE BOB'S POV as he faces the trailer]
J.B.: Rusty, Summer, stop friggin around -- let's go.
[Rusty and Summer EXIT FROM TRAILER and freeze on the steps]
J.B.: Oh, come on, the piles of rocks aren't gonna bite you.
[Rusty and Summer point above Joe Bob. CAMERA PANS UP JUST SLIGHTLY, revealing stick figures hanging into frame.]
J.B.: What are these?
RUSTY: They're s-s-stick figures.
J.B.: Yeah, so? What's the big deal -- let's go.
SUMMER: Well, the website said that they found stick figures in the Hollywood Hills where the Nair Witch was spotted. I thought you knew. If you don't go to the website first, you can't understand the whole Nair Witch story.
J.B.: The Nair Witch has a website? I know WE have a website [pulls out sign]: tnt.turner.com/joebob. But the Nair Witch has a website?
SUMMER: Yes.
J.B.: Did you know about this?
RUSTY: Yes. The SAME stick figures are in the website.
J.B.: What kind of witch has a website? The website says "Beware the popsicle sticks!" or something?
SUMMER: "Beware the voodoo stick men."
J.B.: How does the witch go on-line.
RUSTY: I'm freaking out.
J.B.: They're just popsicle sticks!
SUMMER: Voodoo stick men.
J.B.: Would you stop friggin saying that.
RUSTY: Take them away. Take them away.
"Child's Play 2" Commercial Break #6
[Popsicle stick figures]
[SUMMER'S POV of Rusty standing on something, cutting down last two stick figures. Joe Bob holds the rest.]
J.B.: Action. You know that scene where Chucky tears his hand off at the wrist to cut himself free of the conveyor belt? There was a guy underneath the set wearing a facial waldo controlling Chucky's face.
SUMMER: Cut. What's a facial waldo?
J.B. Cut?! I was just gonna explain it.
SUMMER: Okay. Action.
J.B.: That scene where Chucky tears his hand off at the wrist to cut himself free of the conveyor belt -- here was a guy underneath the set wearing a facial waldo controlling Chucky's face. A facial waldo is this helmet thing with a chin strap that's connected by cables to the doll, so whatever facial expression the guy makes, that's what the puppet makes. Kinda like James Carville.
RUSTY: Okay, that's the last of em.
SUMMER: You sure it was okay to cut them down?
RUSTY: I think we shoulda left em up.
J.B.: Girls, look. They're Popsicle sticks. Okay? Are you afraid of Popsicle sticks?
RUSTY/SUMMER: Yes.
J.B.: Come on, let's go. [exits]
"Child's Play 2" Commercial Break #7
[SUMMER'S POV following Joe Bob and Rusty. They stop. They carry flashlights.]
RUSTY: Are we almost there?
J.B.: We just started.
RUSTY: Yeah, but how much further?
J.B.: I want to get to the old cemetery.
RUSTY: WHAT old cemetery?
J.B.: It's supposed to be near Lake Hollywood.
SUMMER: Then why didn't we just take Mulholland?
J.B.: Summer, for the million-and-oneth time: who's the director of the Nair Witch Project?
SUMMER: You are.
J.B.: Okay, let's tape the intro to the next movie. Go.
Elvis has left the building, and he took Joe Bob with him. But you can still visit the new official website: Joe Bob Briggs.com
MonsterVision Host Segments from 10-30-99 ©1999 Turner Network Television. A Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved.
