Monstervision's Joe Bob Briggs Looks At
The Dead Pool: Dirty Harry 5 (1988)
(From Joe Bob's Ultimate B Movie Guide)
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Dirty Harry goes after yet another schizoid in San Francisco blowing
people up with remote-control toy cars and using butcher knives on people
at KGO-TV, and the basic plot is that everybody in the media is hoping
Dirty Harry gets blown away so that (a) the ratings can go up, and (b) he
can't be mayor of Carmel anymore. Fortunately, Dirty Harry Callahan looks
even MORE deadly now that he has those lines on his neck and his face skin
is cracking and, when he squints, it looks like his head is about to
explode. This time they give him a CHINESE partner, which means, of
course, Insult Fu. Clint is still the only man alive who can take a word
like "Chinese-American" and say it in a way that sounds like "worthless
scum wimp brain-dead reetard." But then they hit Dirty Harry with the
final straw--they tell him they want him to work in the public relations
department.
Nineteen dead bodies.
Two exploding cars.
Two bullet-riddled
cars.
Two motor vehicle chases, including one with a radio-controlled exploding toy car that's the
best San Francisco car chase since "Bullitt."
Harry single-handedly
destroys three cars and four Mafia goons.
Harry single-handedly busts a TV
mini-cam.
Harry single-handedly destroys a Chinese restaurant full of
robbers.
Average San Francisco citizen pours gasoline on himself and
lights a match to be on TV.
Gratuitous Empty-V video.
Kung Fu.
Heroin Fu.
Fortune cookie Fu.
Harpoon Fu.
Forty-four Magnum Fu.
With Evan Kim as
Harry's partner ("Harry, did you know that celebrities always die in
threes?"),
Liam Neeson of Darkman as a drive-in movie director making a flick called
"Hotel Satan,"
David Hunt as the psycho killer who thinks he's a drive-in
movie director ("Those are my nightmares, not his!"). 
Sudden Impact: Dirty Harry 4 (1983)
Dirty Harry keeps
finding bodies with their balls blown off, and it BOTHERS him. There's a
gazebo-mangler out there, but Clint Eastwood is all tied up, dealing with
a bimbo judge who tells him he "conducted an illegal search" so she's
going to set free some goon jerkolas. So Harry goes to a diner for coffee,
and while he's there he blows away four black guys in the middle of a
robbery, and then he feels a whole lot better--until the police
commissioner calls him in and says "You're a dinosaur, Callahan. Don't you
know who I am?" And Harry says "Yeah--you're a legend in your own mind."
(Best one-liner of this third sequel in the "Dirty Harry" series.) It's .44
Magnum Automag time (that's a .44 that shoots FOREVER), because Harry is
sick and tired of "a society where teachers are being thrown out of
fourth-floor windows because they don't give A's." When he gets in trouble
for an endless car chase ending with a bunch of hitmen drowning in San
Francisco Bay, he gets reassigned to the missing-testicles case in the
little town of San Paulo. But first he has to steal a van from a nursing
home so he can chase a bank robber through the streets and knock him off
his motorcycle. Then somebody gives Harry a bulldog named Meathead. Then
Harry goes into a bar looking for information, and this sleaze lesbo
starts to get familiar and so he has to deck her with a right cross. Then
Meathead saves Harry's life. Then Harry goes around San Paulo making
friends with great opening lines like, "Tell me, how's your slut sister?"
And then Harry gets to say "Go ahead, make my day" TWICE more, before his
.44 Automag denouement.
Five breasts.
Two pints blood.
Three motor vehicle
chases, with one explosion.
Testicles roll.
Twenty-one dead bodies.
Some
Kung Fu.
Better than The Enforcer (Dirty Harry 3).
Sondra Locke as the bimbo gazebo
killer,
Paul Drake as Mick the Spic.
© 2000 Joe Bob Briggs. All Rights
Reserved. Not an AOL Time-Warner Company in this lifetime.
For this and other movie reviews by the artist formerly known as the host of MonsterVision, go to Joe Bob Briggs.com
Other Dirty Harry movies:
Dirty Harry (1971)
Magnum Force (1973)
The Enforcer (1976)
No one's home except Smith & Wesson
MonsterVision host segments for Play Misty For Me (Clint stalked by a psycho who won't be ignored)
Or, Mike Nelson's review of
Bridges Of Madison County (it is too a Clint Eastwood movie)
Back to Monstervision
"I haven't killed anyone all day...help me keep it that way." Clint Eastwood
Dead Pool movie's themesong is "Welcome To The Jungle" by Guns 'N Roses
Elvis has left the building, and he took Joe Bob with him.