The Fear (1995)

Right now we've got the 1995 psychological horror flick, The Fear.
Speaking of psychology, have you guys heard about this brother and sister team in New York City who've come up with, you ready for this? The Hair Part Theory. They say the way you part your hair gives people a subconscious impression of you, which over time affects your personality. If you part your hair on the left, it calls attention to left-brain processes: logic, verbal skill, stuff like that. If you part your hair on the right, people think you're a right-brainer: visual, artistic, musical -- the non-linear type. Now, here's the interesting part, no pun intended. They theorize that if you're a right-brain person, but you part your hair on the left, or vicy-versy, it can work in your favor by tricking people into thinking you're something not. But usually it creates discomfort in onlookers and may lead to being shunned. Yes, shunned!

For no other reason than being a student of psychology myself, I was intrigued, and wanted to do my own "Hair Part" research. I turn on the news to see where the important people are parting their hair. There's a story on President Clinton. But guess what -- Clinton doesn't part. He's got that helmet coif that never moves. The guy's head can be two inches under a whirring helicopter blade, and nothing happens. I change the channel, catch one of those dang Michael Jordan commercials. Bald. That doesn't help me. Try another channel. Jack Nicholson. No real part goin on there. Hugh Grant -- he's got that floppy hair that the women loved before he got caught with the -- well, let's not dwell on that. I sit through an En-Sync video. You know those guys? Very popular. NONE of em part their hair. I check every channel, looking for all the subconscious right- and left-brain messages. Adam Sandler's on a talk show -- he's got the hair that's so short, he couldn't part it if he wanted to. Same with Ben Affleck. Then there's the tousled look.

Mick Jagger MAY part his hair, but it's too messy to tell which side. I watch TV for an HOUR, and not one person that I recognize parts their hair. Heck, EYE don't even part my hair! I know what you're thinking. Joe Bob, what about the gals? Two words for you: center part. Cher, Demi Moore, Catherine Zeta-Jones -- who I swear would look good with NO hair -- every one of em. Is it a form of rebellion? No, it's dead organic matter from when we were monkeys! It's the only thing on our body that we don't NEED. About the only time they use it is when they dig you up after you've been in the cemetery for 40 years so they can do a DNA test on you to find out if you killed your wife. I mean, it's HAIR!

Anyhow, I'm getting sidetracked, aren't I? I was talking about "The Fear," the old story of a psych student who takes his pals out for a weekend of fear exploration in his old house, where a wooden mannequin named Morty is about to scare the bujeezus out of em.
Here are those drive-in totals:
Seven dead bodies.
Three breasts, which are repressed in this version.
Two rapes, also excised by TNT.
Head bonking.
Crucifixion.
Death by falling.
Death by aging.
Log to the head.
Gratuitous Wes Craven.
Puzzle-ball fu.
Three stars. Check it out.

[fading] I have my own theory: The No-Part Theory. The way you DON'T part your hair gives onlookers a subconscious impression, which over time translates to: That guy never combs his hair, does he? Cool!

Good job by Wes Craven as the psychology professor, don't you think? Although, don't you think he SMIRKS a little too much for a professor dealing with a student? Naw, they do that, don't they? Of course, we all know why he plays the part so well -- it's because Wes WAS a professor before he started the whole Nightmare on Elm Street franchise. Professor of Humanities at Clarkson College in Potsdam, New York. Who else do we have here? Eddie Bowz is the student with the crazy nightmare, doing all those cutesy little hand gestures that Michael J. Fox invented. We have the white guy who thinks he's black, and the black couple just kinda came outta nowhere. We have the sister with the plastic surgery -- good casting on that one, she LOOKS like she's had a couple of face lifts -- and Vance the sullen boyfriend. And the pretty girlfriend, who is purely decorative, so far as I can figure out. And a wooden guy named Morty. So far Morty is my favorite character, and all he's done is lie around in a drawer. Okay, fear exploration comin up.

[fading] You guys know what Wes Craven is directing now? "Music of the Heart." A true story about a single mother who moves to East Harlem to teach children how to play the violin. Starring Meryl Streep. Wes, if you're watching: you're joking, right? Meryl Streep gets decapitated and then comes to life in the kids' dreams, right? Great marketing ploy, man. The housewives are gonna scream their heads off.

I bet you guys aren't too happy to see ME right now, right when Monique Mannen was taking off her top for Vance the creep. But believe it or not nothing was edited out, you don't get to see em in the original version either. Okay, Dr. Joe Bob, with a PhD in psychiatry from the Tunica Community College down in Mississippi -- right next to the casino -- is going to give you the proper clinical names for each character's phobia. I should let you know that a phobia, according to the American Psychiatric Association is an uncontrollable, irrational, and persistent fear of a specific object, situation, or activity. Or, according to the Joe Bob Briggs Psychiatric Association, something that gives you the willies. Troy, the white rasta man, suffers from Entomophobia, or fear of insects. Alternatively he may suffer from Acarophobia, or fear of itching or of the insects that cause itching. Leslie, the gal with the silicone cheekbones, suffers from Rhytiphobia, or fear of getting wrinkles. Vance the nutjob suffers from Peniaphobia, fear of poverty. Tanya, the cute blonde dating Santa Claus, has Aquaphobia. And given who she's making the sign of the triple-toed centipede with, she may also have Rhytiphilia, which is the LOVE of wrinkles. Mindy, who's afraid of heights, has Acrophobia. Rich, who's afraid of commitment, is harder to diagnose. He could have Gametophobia -- fear of marriage. Or a simple case of Hypegiaphobia, fear of responsibility. He could have Novercaphobia, fear of your mother-in-law. Or Caligynephobia, fear of beautiful women. But most likely, he's got Chorophobia, or fear of dancing. That tends to scare a lot of guys off the ole campaign trail. All right, more psyche lessons as we go along.

[fading] I don't have any of those phobias. I have Arachibutyrophobia: Fear of peanut-butter sticking to the roof of my mouth. [shudders] I can't even think about it.

I see Mindy not only likes to make others happy by flashing her garbonzas to whoever wants to see em, but she also likes to make herself happy, if you know what I mean and I think you do. And speaking of gals I'd like to take a bath with, Rusty the TNT Mail Girl is here to supply me with another of your wonderful letters. Yes, it's time for "Joe Bob's Advice to the Hopeless." So, Rusty, do you have any phobias?

Jed, you expect me to believe that you trust a redhead? Ha!

Why doesn't Mindy just . . . JUMP OUT? She's trapped on a toy train travelling at about ONE mile per hour, screaming "Stop the train! Stop the train!" And somehow the wily campus rapist is able to run and catch up to the train, jump aboard, and do his crime while the train is going through the dark tunnel. Is that what we're supposed to get from that? I guess Mindy has Siderodromophobia--fear of train travel. Okay, let's do some ads and get back to it.

[fading] Actually she has Siderominidromophobia, doesn't she? Fear of toy train travel.

So the face-lift woman somehow dies of rapid aging. I'm not real clear on how Morty did that. But I do think Morty looks pretty dang cool, even though the story has become kind of a mess. That was Ann Turkel as Leslie--ex-wife of Richard Harris, Professor Whats-His-Name in an upcoming movie based on the popular Harry Potter stories. And in order to be married to him, I hope she didn't have Potophobia--fear of alcoholic beverages--cause that was in Richard's big drinkin days. Actually, this movie's not bad. Up till this point, it could've been an old-fashioned murder mystery. You don't know it's supernatural, cause it looks like someone is just moving Morty around. So when Morty starts REALLY moving it's a surprise. Right? Unless you saw the ads, and then you already knew he came to life. Score one for the marketing people. They also promoted the heck out of Wes Craven, and then it turned out he was only in it for five minutes. Two for the marketing guys. Okay, back after the ads.

[fading] You know who DOES have Potophobia? TNT Standards & Practices. Also Pharmacophobia and Gymnophobia -- fear of drugs and nudity. And Aulophobia--fear of flutes...Don't ask.

So Troy was the rapist, and Uncle Pete was the guy Rich's mom had in her little sex room. Good old Uncle Pete, played by the late Vince Edwards, otherwise known as young Dr. Casey from the sixties TV show "Ben Casey." Who here remembers Vince Edwards' six record albums and big sell-out shows in New York, Vegas and my new hometown, El Lay, California?
And of course we all recognize Heather Medway as Ashley, right? Star of "Viper," the crime-fighting car show. Okay, I don't want to hold things up here. Let's get those ads out of the way and get back to the flick.

[fading] "Diametric" is an anagram of "matricide." You think they saw "The Shining"? Just a hunch. That's good, though. That's a nine-letter anagram. I'm impressed.

That's a good way to sell a house, huh? "There were some grisly tragedies here, but the price is right."
I have a question: What was going on after Morty walks into the swamp, when Richard, Ashley and Tanya have that awkward moment, and then Tanya just walks away? Did I miss something? And more importantly, why was Tanya wearin a leotard out in the woods? I think they needed one more psychological explanation for that one. They didn't have enough of those, did they? Anyhow, I guess the deal was that Morty tortured people with their fears unless they confronted him, and then he lived in the swamp and retrieved soccer balls.

Lemme remind you that next week is a favorite of anyone who was nine years old in 1987, "Adventures in Babysitting," where Elizabeth Shue and three annoying kiddos careen around Chicago in a station wagon, trying to outrun gangsters and, more important, not get caught by their parents. And our "MonsterVision" feature is the no-budget Bigfoot flick, "Grim."

That's it for "Joe Bob's Hollywood Saturday Night" -- we put the "K" in "Kwality."

You guys hear the one about the boss of a big company who calls one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers? He dials the employee's home number and a kid picks up and whispers, "Hello?" The boss says, "Is your Daddy home?" The little voice whispers, "Yes." The boss says, "May I talk to him?" The voice whispers, "No." The boss says, "Is your Mommy home?" Kid says, "Yes." "May I talk with her?" The small voice again whispers, "No." The boss decides he'll just leave a message with the person who's probly there watching the kid. Boss asks the kid, "Is there any one there besides you?" Kid whispers "Yes, a policeman." The boss is wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, so he says, "May I speak with the policeman?" Kid whispers, "No, he's busy." Boss says, "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman." The boss starts to get worried as he hears what sounds like a helicopter, and he asks, "What's that noise?" Kid whispers, "A hello-copper." Boss says, "What is going on there?" Kid says, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." The boss is REALLY alarmed, says "Why are they there?" Kid says, "They're looking for me."

Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die.

[fading] A man and a woman meet on vacation and fall in love. At the trip's end, they decide to open up to each other. The man says, "It's only fair to warn you. I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep, and breathe golf." Woman says, "Well, I'll be honest, too. I'm a hooker." The man looks crestfallen, and then he says, "Are you keeping your wrists straight?"