Monstervision Host Segments for

John Carpenter's The Fog (1980)

"The Fog" Intro

"Hey, Joe Bob Briggs here, and I can't believe I've been sittin here for two hours twiddlin my thumbs while you guys watch "Fargo."

It's about time TNT put me on, cause it's Adrienne Barbeau Night here at "MonsterVision"! We got a double-header: "The Fog" and "Swamp Thing." Do you know Adrienne just gave birth, at the age of 51, to ... twins? Is that amazing, or what? At least they have a father, though. Is anybody else noticing how many new babies are being born these days without fathers? I don't mean they lost their father. I don't mean their mommy got divorced. I don't mean the daddy deserted the family. I don't mean some guy was killed in peacekeeping maneuvers. I mean those situations where, from the very first moment, the woman decides to have a baby but NOT to have a husband. Jodie Foster just did it. Madonna did it. If possible, they go down to one of those anonymous sperm banks, pick out some suitable genetic material and nine months later out comes little Willie, launched into a world where some day he's gonna be saying: "Mom, the Boy Scout troop is having a father-son camp-out. I think we should SUE EM."

I have nothin against ladies who raise kids by themselves--God bless em--but wouldn't you think they would WANT a guy to tag along for at least the first 18 years of that process? Don't they need somebody around to deal with it when the kid turns 13 and starts becoming a Testosterone Monster? I mean, dealing with a teenage boy, a lot of it has to do with WHO WEIGHS MORE. You can't just say: "Now, William, that's not very nice. Don't do that anymore." Sometimes you have to say: "Okay, that's it. Last man standing."

Of course, nobody believes this anymore. Nobody believes that boys need dads. Nobody believes that you should fight with your dad, or get drunk with your dad, or learn about sex with your dad. In fact, a big theme of the feminist movement is that women should teach young boys about how to deal with young girls, so we can start getting that testosterone under control. EL WRONG-O. The guy who knows how to control the testosterone is the guy who HAS the testosterone. You don't understand the animal unless you've BEEN that animal. A lot of father-son stuff, like it or not, involves violence. It doesn't have to involve actual physical violence, although duking it out can have its benefits. But it does involve Dad ripping the boy away from his mom and forcing him to face manhood. You don't have to ram broom handles through his breasts, like they did in A Man Called Horse, but you do have to make him bleed a little. To use a phrase from the feminist movement, he does have to UNDERSTAND HIS OWN BODY.

Who's gonna do that? Hopefully, Dad's gonna do that. Or Granddad's gonna do that. Or Uncle Sal is gonna do that. But I'll guarantee you, it's only a MALE who's gonna do that. Mommy can try to do it all she wants to, and you know what she's gonna end up with? Best-case scenario: A wimp. Worse case scenario: A gang member. Neither of these kids is gonna like himself very much. Ladies, listen to me. If you're gonna do this--if you're gonna raise a son without benefit of any Evil Men around--then at LEAST plan on sending him to boarding school when he hits 12. Military school is even better. But some place with a guy named "Sarge" on the staff. A bald-headed guy with a tattoo who can pop the heads off rattlesnakes with his bare hands.

Anyhow, I don't wanna talk any more about that--how'd I get off on that?--it's time to watch John Carpenter's classic "The Fog." It's Adrienne Barbeau, Jamie Lee Curtis, Hal Holbrook, and a whole bunch of John Carpenter's friends going "The fog is evil! Don't go into the fog!" Frankly I don't think you can make FOG that creepy, but tell me what you think. Those drive-in totals are:

Eight dead bodies.
No breasts.
Sword through the chest.
Hook through the chest.
Dagger to the chest.
Six zombies.
Strangulation.

I give it about ... three stars.

Check it out, and [Effects: CHEESY FOG ROLLS IN] Oh my God! The foooooooogg!"

"The Fog" Commercial Break #1

Kinda surprising, huh? Jamie Lee Curtis and the guy shoulda got killed just for jumpin in bed too fast, right? Isn't that what's supposed to happen in horror flicks? Nookie equals death. But this time it's the FOG that we're supposed to be afraid of. There's some guy right off camera just pumpin that stuff in as fast as John Carpenter can use it up, right? And just so we'll know how evil the fog is--it moves AGAINST THE WIND--oooooooooo. [whispering] "The Fooooooog."

"The Fog" Commercial Break #2

"Okay, did you get that? The creepy pirate zombies are actually dead lepers, from a leper colony that wanted to live at Antonio Bay a hundred years ago. But Hal Holbrook's grandpa TRICKED EM and made em shipwreck and stole their gold. But I have a question: If priests don't get married, then how does Hal Holbrook have a grandfather who's a priest? Don't try to put stuff like that over on me."

"The Fog" Commercial Break #3

"Well, what was that dang corpse trying to do? He gets up, walks across the room, writes somethin stupid on the floor. And they all just look at one another, like, "Well, there goes another one?" And what was that stuff about liquid drippin off the wooden plank and settin Adrienne Barbeau's tapes on fire? This is one of those movies where anything can happen and you don't have to explain it. . . . Adrienne looks good, though, doesn't she? Two enormous talents on that woman. I mean that with all due respect."

"The Fog" Commercial Break #4

"That'll teach Dan to make fun of the fog, right. "There's something different about this fog, Dan. IT GLOWS." So it's green, and it moves the wrong way. Excuse me if I'm not impressed. Okay, it starts gettin a little better. You've got nothin to do, right?"

"The Fog" Commercial Break #5

"My question is, why did he let Jamie Lee Curtis drive the truck in the first place? He was driving the truck the whole movie until he had to go rescue the kid. They almost got eaten, like the babysitter. Obviously, at this point, you can tell the zombies are p.o.-ed. Don't give the girl the KEYS. Okay, now the fog's gettin serious. "Stay away from the fog!"

"The Fog" Commercial Break #6

"Hal Holbrook's gonna give em their gold back and the zombies are gonna go home?
I don't think so.

Here's the conclusion of "The Fog." After it's over I'll still be here, cause our second feature tonight is "Swamp Thing," the story of a research scientist who continues to love Adrienne Barbeau from afar even though a chemical turns him into a walking salad bar.

And now, the last of "The Fog."

[fading] Looks like we may make it to sunrise again. After this we can all go out to Denny's and order the Grand Slam Breakfast. How many people you think'll still be up? Two, three? Know what? I'm buyin."

"The Fog" Outro

"All right, "The Fog" is finally over. You know, that's a John Carpenter movie that everyone knows about, but nobody really LOVES IT. It's kinda shaky as a horror flick. You got the Adrienne Barbeau plot, you got your Jamie Lee Curtis plot, although she doesn't have diddly squat to do after the first ten minutes of the movie. You got your Hal Holbrook, playing the guilty priest for the 7,000th time in his career. And you got the zombies--although you never actually SEE the zombies, because there's too much dang fog. Not too satisfying, IN my opinion. "
And right now, Adrienne Barbeau is guest-starring in a new animated tv-movie Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island. Kinda a theme going on here.

OK, on to Wes Craven's classic "Swamp Thing" Monstervision host segments for the second half of tonight's double-feature, not counting those of you who have been with us since the "Fargo" Monstervision host segments

The Fog is available on video, and The Fog:Special Edition DVD includes an interview with John Carpenter and his long-time partner Debra Hill.
By the way, Debra Hill also made MonsterVision movie Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead

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A fog bank 50' thick covering 105 square miles only contains enough moisture to fill a single bucket.

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